Broken Bodies, Severed Feelings (Erwin x OC)

|5| The 23rd Expedition

"Marry me, Nat. Tomorrow, right here. No dresses, no suits. You, me, and our brats. I don't know whether we'll survive the next Expedition-"

"We will. We will, Levi, you don't have to-"

"Let's not wait to find out,"

She jumped up. Her eyes snapped open. She breathed hard and pushed the bedsheets off her body. She sat by the edge of her bed and buried her face in her hands. What the hell? Levi? Why did that voice sound like her own? Why was Levi's voice in her dreams? No. That was no dream. It was something strange that she had no idea what. But her, marrying Levi? How? When? She had never thought of Levi this way. And Levi was supposed to be an enemy – a threat. He was there to kill Erwin.

But he was a good man. She was probably the only person in the Scouts – asides from Isabel and Furlan, who had actually taken the time to get know him. He was hard to open up, and he was finding it particularly hard to socialise. And she too was exactly that, so, she could understand him, and she knew exactly how to approach him. Having those three transferred to her own squad was a better idea than leaving them in Flagon's. Flagon could not appreciate them enough.

It was the morning of another Expedition. The twenty-third Expedition. No wonder she was waking up from a weird nightmare. No wonder her hands were shaking, and a cold drop of sweat was running down her temple, and her gown was clinging on her body. What the hell was going to happen today? She had no idea. She just knew she was going to have few more lives on her shoulders, and they could die, and it was going to be her fault. And it was going to be terrible because she had lost squad members before, and she was about to add to that. And maybe she was the one who was going to lose her life. Or maybe it was going to be Erwin, or Hange, or Moblit, or the other two members of her squad – the two that survived the last time.

Why the hell was she into this? She was supposed to have a simple office job, tending to people like every doctor should, and she was going to be making a good amount of money, and she would be able to have her own home, or she'd live with her parents and she'd take care of them – returning the favour of them raising her when her parents gave her away. These had always been her plans. She had never planned for anything more than this. Then why the hell had she followed Erwin in this damn regiment where she had to deal with these all?

There was no backing out now. She'd rather die than be a deserter.

She understood well Erwin's noble intentions. Wiping out the titans and bringing down the walls, and finding the truth about the world, and freeing humanity, and exploring everything that they didn't yet know. But she never planned to fight.

Either way, she was here now. She was here and everybody said she was a good soldier and that her statistics were impressive and that she was a Captain, but it just never felt like it. She never felt safe enough out there. She didn't care about being out there on her own. She'd probably survive more than a day. But she didn't want people's lives weighing on her conscience. But, no, Erwin had insisted that she led a squad. Erwin said that she was could do it – that she should learn to lead because one day she might end up becoming the Commander of the Survey Corps.

She was never made for that.

She was made to be in a lab. She was made to be a doctor, a scientist, a researcher. She wasn't a soldier no matter how good she was at it. It was strange because she was good in many things. Whatever she tried to do – she did it to perfection. But she wasn't happy as a leader and Erwin seemed to be blind to this.

Nathalie forced herself up. She washed her face and changed her clothes into her uniform. It was still too early in the morning. She was to meet her squad by the stables.