The World That Was Mine (Part I & II)

Part II:X

And I knew I should have hated her for it. No mother should treat their child that way. But on the contrary, I couldn't bring myself to hate her because she was my mother. The only one I ever had. And at times, the best one I ever had. Marley had made me question my existence too. When she left me, it cost me the only safe place I'd ever found in this cruel world. I was angry with her for leaving, and so sad that it hurt to think about. And a part of me hated her. Even if she hadn't intended on leaving me, she had. And that had hurt me worse than any insult my mother had ever thrown at me. It had consumed me for the first few weeks after her death.

Over took every inch of my being and crippled me like nothing else ever had. But eventually, I'd pushed Marley and all the anger I held for her towards the back of my head where I hoped it would rot and die off. But now, being here, seeing her after everything that's happened, the anger had returned, fresh and strong as it ever was.

A soft hand grazed over the bare skin of my elbow. If I had been more alert, I may have jumped at the unexpected contact, but in my dazed state, I didn't do more than tense under the fingertips against my skin and swallow a thick lump of emotion that had begun swelling uncontrollably in my throat. The hand moved upwards, gently tugging on my upper arm in an effort to get me to turn and give the culprit my full attention.

"Izzy, honey, look at me please," Logan urged gently, his tone as soft and careful as it might be if he was talking to an emotional toddler. Perhaps I would have minded more on another day. But today, I had nothing in me strong enough to be upset about it. I wasn't sure I had anything strong in me at all today. Slowly, I turned my body towards Logan, my face an empty sheet of emotion as I regarded my brother and his visibly worried expression. Logan wasn't good at hiding his emotions. He couldn't mask anything he was feeling, worry and fear least of all. It was written all over his face like a eulogy, a sorrowful expression of things he couldn't quite understand.

"Izzy?" He questioned in a whisper. The sound rang through the workings of my hearing aids like knives, slicing into the sore spot where they sat on top of my ear drum. Tyler had asked me to wear them. I hadn't argued. He'd said that it would make him feel better. He didn't care if it made me feel worse. But then again, when had anyone.

I pushed gently on the ringing pieces of technology to ease the ringing sensation the sudden noise had caused. Logan's eyebrows were scrunched in worry, his bottom lip pulled tightly between his teeth as he looked me up and down from head to toe as if he expected to see something on my face that wasn't there.

"Are you okay?" He asked so softly I barely heard him. I lifted my hand to sign something to him, but as if words themselves had left me, nothing worth saying came to mind. A shrug of my shoulders was the best I could come up with. Logan's frown deepened. He went to put his hand back on my elbow but I slowly pulled away, retracting into myself and away from his grip.

My skin felt hot being here. Like the overflowing emotions inside of me had turned to lava in my veins. I'd touched my face more than once since this morning to see if my skin was melting into a puddle without me even knowing. As far as I could tell, it wasn't. But I wouldn't be surprised if it did in a little while.

I saw Tyler's eyes flicker towards me in the rear view of the rental car he was driving. He had a look similar to Logan in his eyes, with a touch more understanding than our brother. I'd barely even looked at him all morning. But to be fair, I'd barely looked at anyone all morning. My mind was in another dimension today. And I was making no effort to bring it back. Reality doesn't bite so hard when you're not within its reach.

Tyler didn't say anything, but he didn't need to. What needed to be said could be done so without the expense of air from either of us. Any other day, I may have been wondering what he was thinking. I may wonder how he was feeling, or how he is taking this. But not today. Not now. Selfishly, even if I could know, I couldn't find it in me to care.