Sonder

Greetings of the Night

Goodnight,

Nighty night,

Sweet dreams.

To remember those simple yet sweet words, oh how her eyes shut assuredly to the voice that brought her joy for tomorrow. It isn't a small gesture like "hello" or "goodbye". "Sweet dreams" and other gestures of the night bring her peace to her slumber. It isn't a gesture a definite stranger would say nor is it a goodbye that leaves you anxious. No. You could call it a small prayer of good rest for a better tomorrow.

However,

The mornings aren't filled with joy anymore, are they? She opens her eyes to a vibrant day, sun shining, children bustling to and fro to make it to school. Sleeping and awakening to not much but the cacophony of other people's daily lives brings an utter disturbance to her consciousness. The fact isn't that she's envious of their joy and reason to walk about, it's the fact that she can't even feel the slightest emotion they express that bothers her.

When did she become so numb to the feeling of joy or sadness?

When did she begin to not care and slip away from her own consciousness?

She works and studies but there is no rational feelings or purpose she uses to motivate herself. Books and novels are all she has of now to stimulate her imagination.

It's even worse when the sun settles back to its own place, leaving her to embrace the dark shadows of the night. There are no

"Goodnights",

"Nighty nights" nor

"Sweet dreams" ...

The silence is deafening... thump, thump, thump. The only comfort to know if she really is living is her own heartbeat. Enveloped in her own being, she is but a human shell with a soul that is lost somewhere in her memories. Living and closing her eyes once more would bring about the same monotonous lifestyle that she has been trying to avoid.

Prayers to God for forgiveness,

Prayers to Jesus to intercede on her behalf to hear her inner cries of helplessness,

Do they reach Him?

She is not certain for she is just a flawed daughter both on earth and in heaven. Even if she does try to cry the tears just won't come out, there is no motion in her heart to feel moved but a silent cry and urge for any feeling to awaken her spirit.

She knows she is not depressed like so many are, she is sadly just lost. Closing her eyes, she does not want to do that, so what must she do to really feel alive?

She reminisces on the word "sonder" which is the realisation that those living around her have lives and situations just as complex. Theirs may be less excruciating to live or more unique than another. However, the ability to understand that people's lives are just as complicated as yours, that is what she holds dear to her heart. She knows that we all struggle and it is in knowing that we all struggle in different ways, circumstances and levels that keeps her going.

That night she went to sleep on top of the world, now the world is on top of her. She doesn't want to shut them again, in fear of a heavier burden to carry tomorrow. Picking up a book and flipping the pages to immerse herself in the words she is at a loss for time. She stares outside the window to the wind howling and the trees dancing to the sun's radiant burst of heat. Longing to step out of her room and enjoy the view she spots the very same tree that she used to climb. Fond memories arise as she smiles sadly at the withered cut down tree. She could bet her lucky stars that the 10 year old her could not wait to wake up and claim the tree as her territory over her siblings. The wind tickles her cheek and the sun glosses over her dark brown eyes, back into the room she goes nose stuck into a book.

The sun settles down and the moon greets her in full peak. It is wide in shape closer to the earth than it usually is, sitting high up in the dark clouds next to her neighbour's palm trees or so it gives off the illusion to be. The stars illuminate themselves like fireflies in the sky, fluttering only to grow dim by morning.

There is no self-doubt that there will be tossing and turning for her tonight, so she finds comfort in attaching herself to the one thing that responds to her commands, her phone.

She puts down her phone as boredom kicks in, going to the mirror to re-evaluate her features as she has forgotten her own image. She doesn't want to go to sleep, so she stares deeply at her reflection practicing how to smile again.

One, two, three, smile. Hold... hold. Tilt head. Now drop the smile. She repeats this a couple more times till she feels satisfied, even fooling herself. She is selfish to the point of caring too much about herself that she believes it will benefit those around her. Her soft weak heart as a child could not handle the burden of being in a family that had cracks in the crevices of love they had for each other. She was oblivious and was too nonchalant of laughing at family drama since childhood.

It has turned her soft weak heart to cold hard stone. Early mornings she could hear the bustling of brothers and sisters complaining and trying to pinch the best lunch to take. But now as an adult the mornings are quite dull, no banter, no bustling. Just her own footsteps echoing in the kitchen.

She does not want to sleep once more, for if she does the memories that she had lived would only fade with time. The numerous nightly greetings that echoed from room to room in her household would be no more. So why sleep if there is no comfort or peace in the silence she so desperately wanted as a teenager?

After silently praying in her head to God, she whispers ever so softly

Goodnight

Nighty night

And

Sweet dreams my loved ones...