constant • pjy + jsw ✓

1.

"They just got married, Nyoung get over it." The weight of Jackson's words falling on Jinyoung's shoulders was too much to let him stand straight. Those weren't just words. Those were pleas. Requests soaked in desperation.....desperation to make Jinyoung stop. A request he, no matter what, could never fulfill.

Yugyeom, the youngest one in their friend group often complained how biased Jinyoung had always been towards Jackson. He could never say 'no' to the Chinese boy he met and befriended seven years ago, no matter what he had asked him for. 

But this? What he had been asking for, at the moment? It just made Jinyoung's blood boil.

"Get over it?" Jinyoung scoffed, turning around to meet the set of chocolate eyes staring right at him. "What do you mean get over it, Wang?"

"I—"

"NO!" The Korean practically screamed. "No—you tell me how do I get over the most beautiful book I read in my life?"

Jackson's lips quivered. It felt like someone had punched him in guts. He wasn't sure if the gloss in his eyes was the giving of the amplitude of Jinyoung's voice or the poison it was spiked with.

"He isn't a book. He is not your book."

"What did you say?" Jinyoung barked, stepping forward. He was trying his best to keep himself from pouncing at the elder and grab him by his collars.

"I said he was never your book!" Jackson's yell resonated in the empty room the two of them were in. Jinyoung was the one who flinched this time. "Lim Jaebeom is married to Youngjae, Jinyoung! He was never a book. He was not even a chapter in your life! He was just a sentence you were reading over and over again, refusing to move ahead." Jackson lowered his head to stare at his feet, mainly so that the younger didn't get an idea about the tears that threatened to fall from his eyes.

"He is just a sentence that has already been stretched too long. It's time for you to put a full stop to it, Jinyoung-ie. How would you be able to look at your happy ending if you're not willing to read past him?"

"How?" Jackson's head shot up to look at the hot streams of tears that already spilt off the younger's eyes. "How could you think of my love as something so shallow, Jackson Wang?" He screamed between his sobs and Jackson felt like dying at the very instant.

"Jinyoungie—"

"Don't." Jinyoung jumped back, jerking Jackson's hand that was reaching out for him. "Leave me alone, Jackson. Don't make me say something that I will regret. I's better if you leave. Right now."

Listening to Jinyoung say those words was nothing less than walking barefoot on millions of shreds of glass for Jackson.

Jackson had been with Jinyoung since they were twenty. He had been with him when he graduated the university. He had been with him when the younger first discovered his crush on Lim Jaebeom. He had been there for him, standing in the background, wishing for a happy life for Jinyoung on his own birthday when he finally asked Jaebeom out. He had been there for him when he and Jaebeom decided to end their relationship on 'friendly' terms and when Jinyoung tried his best to get Jaebeom back. He had always been there for the younger...only to hear this in the end?

This....whatever it was, not healthy. Not for Jackson at least.

"Not everyone you love will love you back, Jinyoung." Just because his voice was low, didn't mean it stung Jinyoung any less. "You can't always be so selfish."

Don't say it Jinyoung.

Don't say it Jinyoung.

Don't—

"What do you know about love?" It was too late to hold back now. "Do you even know what it means? What love means? Is your heart even capable of beating for someone? For all the bother I have gone through these years, trying to set you up with friends of mine, have you ever been to date even one of them? Do you even know the pain, the suffering that comes along?" Giving Jackson's shoulder a last push, he said said through gritted teeth. "So tell me Jackson Wang Jia Er, what do you know about love?"

"You—I...." Jackson was speechless. "You aren't my Jinyoung."

"I was never yours Wang. I had always been my own. I had always been on my own." He screamed in frustration. He screamed through his tears.

Liar. 

Liar.

Liar.

Jinyoung was tired how his brain repeated the same words again and again inside his head. He knew it was a lie. Jackson had always been his fallback. Always.

But he was in pain and Jackson should've known it was all a consequence of his frustration, right? Jackson knew Jinyoung just lost the love of his life and he should understand that, right? Because that's what he always did... understand Jinyoung. So, why today out of all the days he had to make such a big deal out of it?

"I—" Jackson let out a chuckle...his signature high pitched one, noticing how heavy his voice sounded. This. This sound alone was enough to spring hope in Jinyoung's heart. A hope that Jackson understood him. Just like he did. Always.

"I wish I never met you, Park Jinyoung." The wider Jackson's smile grew, the deeper a knife bored in Jinyoung's heart. He was thankful he still had a hand over Jackson's shoulder from his previous act or else he would have collapsed just at the moment.

Jackson raised his own arm to pull Jinyoung's off his shoulder before turning on his heels and walking away from his now ex best friend.

Jackson never seemed this far to him.

He felt cold. Miserable. He felt deprived of the warm, fuzzy aura Jackson's presence radiated around him.

Jackson's teardrop on his wrist felt like the last remnants of warmth on his body.

***

Jinyoung drank like he never did before. Glass after a glass and a bottle after one.

How miserable he had to be to lose both, the man he was in love with and the man he called his best friend on the same day?

With his hazy mind and trembling steps, Jinyoung reached out to the bulletin at the end of his study. He felt like he could drift into a deep slumber considering how defeated he felt under the dim lights and oddly lit scented candles that Jackson used to stock up for him.

His eyes travelled to the four post-its Jackson had pinned for him to look at whenever he felt not motivated enough to write his manuscripts.

He traced his fingers over the yellow one on the left.

"Jinyoung-ah, 

I hope all your wishes come true.

-Your Seunie  <3 "

A bitter scoff escaped Jinyoung's lips while ironically, water pooled into his eyes. 

Didn't all my wishes come true, Wang? He thought to himself. If only I could get a chance, I would have shown you what Jaebeom meant to me.

Crumpling the thin note through his fingers, he pulled it off the board and tossed it over a candle flame. Jinyoung witnessed his old friend's words burn in the flame with his well wishes.

The deep orange flame dazzled his vision. He didn't realize he had been staring for too long. It looked weirdly captivating.....alluring. 

Jinyoung leaned forward, observing it more diligently. 

Suddenly, it flickered, as though growling at him for staring too long but before Jinyoung's drunken mind could alarm him of the danger, the flame burned wilder, with it's intention of burning him along with.

With all his might, Jinyoung flung his eyes open.