ON THE WANE

9

    I had thought pretending to smile and being happy wasn't going to be so hard.

    I forgot that problems varied. The one I was in right now, pretending to be alright seemed impossible. I knew it was going to be hard lying to myself. But I didn't know lying to my parents and siblings wasn't going to be as easy as I had thought

     I remember in my second year of senior secondary school (SSS 2) . We had just found out about a problem a classmate of ours had been facing.

   She said the only time she had a proper meal to eat was when she ate the school lunch at school. That was all till the next day and trust me the school lunch wasn't even so good.
   
     I was shocked when she told me , because you could never have guessed she was going through something like that. That was how I learned to smile and be happy in even the bad situations.
  
     Sometimes being optimistic has it's own part to play in turning around the situation in your life.

     That was why I still remained happy when Kay got admitted into the hospital for his appendicitis.

     I still remained happy when my parents rigged my election in Senior secondary school three just so I could become the school's senior prefect.

    The same way I kept being happy even when being forced to marry against my wishes.

     'It was when I was raped I realized that problems differed . Being happy wasn't so easy. This one incident made my whole life come crashing down and I realized that I had never been alright.

    It isn't a bad thing trying to be happy in unpleasant situations. But let there be a limit to your happiness. Let people also know that you are hurting.

    I knew this at some point. Yet, I did nothing. Just cause I was scared.

                   **************

      I woke up worn out again the next morning. It had become something usual  already.

    There was a knock on my door followed by a voice.
   
  'Can I come in?' .  It was Kay, I wasn't in the mood to speak to him right now, but I let him in anyway.

    Shutting the door behind him, he stood awkwardly staring at me.

      'Did you come in to stand or...'

' I came to talk to you' he replied.

' I'm listening' I told him. He walked gently towards my direction, taking a sit on my desk chair.

   ' I'm sorry' he whispered quietly.

   'For what'? I asked in slight confusion sitting up on my bed and leaning against the head rest.

      'For the other day, I should have told you about the plan mom and dad made' he said.
  
    'You know you could have apologized
that same day, or the next' . I pointed out.
  
     'I wanted to get the apology right. You know'.
 
    'I don't know Kay. You can't just keep hurting me and asking for my forgiveness , when before I know it, you've done another. Apologies don't work that way' . I told him with a sigh while he stayed silent.

       Seeing he wasn't going to say anything, I spoke again.

     'You can leave if you are done' I said to him making my way to get down from the bed but he stopped me grabbing my arm.

     'What was that yesterday?' he asked.

    'Did you really come to apologize?'

'I actually came to apologize but I'm also worried. You've never acted that way to Caleb. I mean you are beginning to act towards everyone differently, harshly' he said .

    'Because everyone is getting on my nerves. You hurt me , I let you know it' I said getting ticked off.

    ' You've being harsh to everyone, including me'. He said softly.

    I laughed in disdain ' Are you seriously indirectly asking me why I've being harsh towards you, mom and dad?. You should answer that question yourself'.

    'So why Caleb?'

  'That is our business, mind your's' I told him firmly, snatching my arm away from his grip and getting up. He got up to.

    'Kamara I'm your brother, you've always trusted me'

    ' And I've realized the mistake I made. Because you know, everytime I  trust you, all the times I've trusted you, you made me regret why I ever did' I cried out.

    ' I've said I'm sorry, I've apologized to you over a thousand times Kammy' he called out.

     'Even if you do so a million times, it wouldn't change how bad your decisions have affected me' I said quietly. So quiet that it was hard to even hear my own voice.

   'How can I make it up to you?' he asked sincerely.

    'You can't' I said, my voice cracking slightly. 

    'There should be something I can do' he urged taking my hands in his. 'Anything' he added.

   'I wish there was' I told him as tears brimmed my eyes. Taking my hands away from his, I walked towards the door , gently and slowly tearing it open.

    'You throwing me out..... of your room'? He asked hurt.

   I stayed silent, I couldn't bring myself to speak because I was close to bursting out in tears.

   Shaking his head briefly, he made his way out looking me in the eye one last time as I shut the door quietly behind him.

     Resting my head on it, I felt a tear stream down before a soft sob broke out through my throat. Placing my hands over my mouth, I turned to face my room sliding down the door.

    The same way waking up tired became usual. That was the same way shedding tears had become.