Some Head Canons...for Everything

Hetalia ~ Okay?

Dedicated to aAmandaclark101 and fgoi_2_ya_kili
ENJOY OR CRY YOUR HEART OUT EITHER WORKS.

"Alfred?" asked a quiet voice. Alfred whipped around to see a small blonde head peek around the doorframe. With a start, he realized that Matthew wasn't so small after all. No; he was growing to be almost as tall as Alfred himself.

Maybe one day he'll leave Arthur and Francis too, Alfred thought sadly. And me... Aw, come on. No one left you. You left them. Your misery is your own fault.

"Alfred?" Matthew asked again. "Are you alright?"

Alfred wiped a tear from his cheek and smiled sadly. "Yeah dude. I'm cool. I'm fine."

Matthew cocked his head, then bolted into the room and scrambled into Alfred's bed. Alfred stared, slightly shocked.

"What are you doing?"

Matthew laughed. "Alfred, it's almost as cold in your room as it is awkward to talk to you."

Alfred smiled, but it faded quickly to a frown. Tears welled up in his bright eyes again as he looked at Matthew. Don't cry, he thought. You have to be strong for Mattie. But Alfred couldn't hold it in anymore. He'd tried to be strong. Now that he thought about, he realized that he'd hardly shed a single tear in his life. Matthew looked up, startled.

"Alfred!" he cried. "What's wrong?"

"N-nothing!" Alfred stuttered through his tears, gasping and feeling himself blush. He was Alfred F. Jones! He simply didn't cry, especially not in front of other people! So why couldn't he stop?

"Alfred! Alfred, why are you upset?" asked Matthew, his eyes wide as he sat up, pushing Alfred's blankets. All the American could respond with was sobs and shake of the head. Matthew crawled over to him. "Hey, calm down, okay? It's gonna be all right..." He hugged Alfred from the side and patted his back as a mother would.

"Everyone hates me," Alfred sobbed. "E-everyone wishes t-that I d-don't exist!"

Matthew leaned back a little bit, studying his friend closely. "What makes you say that?" Alfred reached up and rubbed his eyes, trying to get his breathing under control. "I mean, I just want to know... I practically don't exist."

Alfred looked up at Matthew, still sniffing. He just needed to let his emotions out. "They hate me. Everyone does. They think I'm a dumb, selfish moron. They think I have such a high opinion of myself whenever I claim to be the hero... don't they understand?" He felt wetness in his eyes again and his voice broke when he said, "Don't they understand that all I'm trying to do is save them?"

"How?" Matthew tilted his head to the side and narrowed his eyes, desperately trying to understand what his friend meant.

"I get too attached," Alfred whispered. "I care about you!" He started sobbing again. "I love all of you so much; I just want to take away your pain! I want...I want all of it, so none of you have to have any. But you won't let me. I try to be the hero--that's what heroes do, isn't it? Save other people from pain and destruction?--but everyone thinks I'm being an arrogant ass, and they don't bother to think about why I care. Why would I want to be the hero if I had nothing at stake? If I had no one that I loved to drive me onwards? It's hard ... so hard, to feel so hated and useless when all I'm trying to do is help. I want to risk myself so none of you get hurt."

All Matthew could do was stare. He'd never seen Alfred break down like this before. And he's certainly never heard such deep thoughts come from him. "I'm sorry," he said. "I didn't know you felt like that. Are you alright, though? Besides this? I've never seen you cry before..."

"You know why? You know why I don't cry? I do other things instead! Things that keep my from crying! They work for a little while, but nothing helps long term!" Alfred was shaking now, his knees pulled up to his chest as sobs racked his body. "Nothing helps," he said softly. "Not the cutting, not the drugs, not the extra alcohol..."

Matthew bit his lip. He hadn't known Alfred cut himself. He hadn't known Alfred did drugs. He hadn't know Alfred was an alcoholic.

"Alfred, just..." Matthew closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "I know what it's like to feel like no one cares about you. People hardly even notice me, ever. It hurts, I know it does, but no matter what's going on with you, you've got be strong."

"I can't," Alfred whispered. "I feel like I'm going insane. I don't know what to do anymore."

Matthew pulled Alfred into his arms, sensing that he needed a hug. Actually, he needed a lot of hugs. He let Alfred sit there and cry for a while, and Matthew was glad that he could be there for him.

"I promise you it'll all end up fine in the end." He broke the embrace and put his arms on Alfred's shoulders. "Now, there's only one way to get better. You have to trust me, okay?" Alfred nodded. "Well, first off, stop cutting! It won't make you any better. Then you need to ween yourself off the the drugs and the alcohol."

Alfred paled. "I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"You don't understand, Mattie. You just don't get it."

"Actually I do. Now stop this. Please. We've all gone through tough times, and... and I care about you, deep down. And I know Francis and Arthur and Fel and Ludwig all do too. Everyone would miss you if you died. I hope you know that. And stop trying to make everyone happy. You're never going to succeed at that, no matter how much you want it and how many times you try."

Alfred managed a broken smile. "Okay," he said, wiping his eyes, which were now swollen and red. "Okay."

* * *

Dear Alfred,

Hey. We heard you were feeling down. Now, none of us (except Francis) like to write any deep stuff. But, well, we just want you to know that we will be there for you, no matter what. Okay? Look, if you have any doubts in yourself, stop. You are amazing. You are funny, strong, confident, and a great friend. Even to those of us who aren't quite as fond of you, we couldn't ask for a better enemy ;P

Love,
Francis, Matthew, Arthur, Fel, Kiku, Ludwig, Ivan, and the rest.