Discipline

A Lost Tree

A sharp pain jolts me awake. I immediately sit up in bed and put my hand over my belly. Wincing, I feel the pain again. I swing my legs over the side of the bed and stand, still holding my lower abdomen. The pain hits me again and I double over, grabbing the bed for support. I then look to my left to find a blood stain on my sheets. I feel myself grow pale.

"Oh, God..."

I try my best to move as fast as I can but it's difficult due to the aching inside of me. I step into the bathroom and make my way to the toilet. I pull down my pants and sit, my eyes growing wide at the sight of blood and grayish clumps in my underwear. Time slows and I begin to sob uncontrollably.

"Alex," I cry out but it comes out hoarse and weak. "Alex!" I finally manage to scream.

"What? What is it?" Alex comes running in a few seconds later. He stops dead in his tracks when he sees me. "Elizabeth..." he whispers breathlessly. His face is a pale and his eyes are glistening.

"I think..." I start to say but I can't bring myself to continue to say '...I lost the baby.'

Alex leaves and comes back in a few moments later with a pair of new underwear and joggers for me. "Here..." he croaks. "I'll be right outside the door if you need anything." He shuts the door behind him.

Sniffling, I clean myself up and change into the new clothes, sticking a pad to my underwear just in case. The situation hasn't hit me yet and I just stay very calm and very quiet. I wash my hands and then exit the bathroom. I immediately feel Alex's arm around my waist as he guides me to the kitchen. He helps me up onto the stool at the counter and gets me a glass of water.

"Drink," he orders softly.

I take a sip, feeling lightheaded. We stay there in silence for a few moments before I manage to speak. "Alex..." Suddenly the room starts spinning and the edges of my sight start to go black. The last thing I see is Alex lunging forward to catch me.

The air is warm and damp and I feel Alex's scruffy beard scratch against my belly. I slide down and put my hands on his face, kissing his tenderly. A tingly sensation wiggles throughout my body as Alex's fingertips brush against my skin. He softly bites my neck, causing a shiver to run down my spine. I kiss him over and over, never wanting to let go. His presence is like a drug.

I wake up feeling disoriented in a hospital bed. Without moving, I look around the room, a tear rolling down my cheek as I am brought back to reality. As expected, I have an IV pumping fluids into my arm. I spot Alex sitting on a bench to my left. He's focused on a magazine. I watch him silently, wishing so desperately that I was back in my dream. I clear my throat slightly, unable to speak.

Alex looks up and immediately jumps up and over to my side. "Elizabeth!"

"Not so loud," I whisper.

"Oh... sorry..." Alex looks down and then back up at me. "How are you feeling?"

"Like shit," I say without missing a beat. I turn my head to look at him. "Well..?"

"Well, what?" Alex asks, playing dumb to spare my feelings.

"What are the results? What happened?" I question bluntly. Alex bites his lip and I put my hand over his. "You can tell me, Alex. I need to know the truth."

Alex looks away. "You lost the baby," I whispers.

My hand slides off his and Alex's gaze returns to my face. I feel my limbs got limp and my heartbeat slows to the point that it hurts. Tears spring from my eyes, but I remain quiet. "I want to go home," I finally say after a while.

"I don't think you can..."

I look at Alex, my eyes darkening "I want to go home."

"Okay..." he mumbles. He leaves the room to find someone to get me the fuck out of here.

I know I should stay but I can't stand to be in this place. It reeks of death and illness. It's a stabbing reminder of the fact that my womb is empty. A tingling pain creeps up on me—the pain that with everything that has been happening, I'm somewhat relieved that I lost my baby. There's no way I would have been able to take care of it, especially with the crazy father.

"Okay, Elizabeth," a nurse says, coming into my room with Alex behind her. "You just need to fill out this paperwork and then you can get dressed."

I snatch the clipboard out of her hands and quickly sign and initial my name in the appropriate places. The nurse takes the clipboard back with skepticism in her eyes

."Are you sure you don't want to stay?"

"Yes—I'm very sure. I just want to go home."

"Alright... your clothes are over there." She gestures to the shelves across the room.

"Thank you," I say, trying to sound appreciative.

The nurse leaves and I climb out of my hospital bed, lumbering over to the shelving unit. Alex closes the door and closes the blinds to the windows to the hallway to give me privacy. I slowly get dressed, suppressing mournful sobs and tears. Alex then puts his arm around me and helps me out the room and down the hallway to the elevator.

I sit silently and look out the window on the way back to my apartment. It's raining—how cliché is that? I don't even take little glances at Alex. I feel like he'll read my mind and judge me for the thoughts flying through my head if we make eye contact.

"Here we are..." Alex murmurs, opening the door. "If you need anything, just call—"

"—No! Stay! Please?" I exclaim, wrapping my hand around his forearm

.Alex searches my eyes. His are laced with pity. "I-I thought you would want to be alone," he whispers.

I shake my head, breaking eye contact. "Will you sit with me?"

"Of course." Alex's voice is soft and kind.

I make my way over to the couch, still gripping Alex's arm in my hand. I sit down soundlessly and Alex does the same. A moment passes by and a brick wall of emotions hits me. I put my hands over my face and I begin to sob uncontrollably. Alex reluctantly puts his arm around me. I lean into him and I dig my right fingernails into his shirt, desperately trying to get a grasp on something.

"It's okay..." Alex mumbles.

"No, it's not!"

"It's not your fault..."

"Yes, it is! It has to be!"

"What do you mean?" Alex asks, puzzled.

"I drank—I drank last night, Alex! I was pregnant and I drank!" My voice drops at the word 'pregnant.'

"Elizabeth... that didn't cause your miscarriage."

"I didn't love my baby enough!" I blurt out.

Alex's chest tightens. "Elizabeth, that's not true. I know you loved your baby—that you still do. I saw how happy your baby made you..."

"But... Max..."

"Fuck Max!" Alex pushes me away from him, gripping my arms, so he can look me in the eye. His eyes are so serious and pleading. "Listen to me, Elizabeth. Do not do this to yourself. You can't... and I won't let you. I can't let you." A tear rolls down Alex's cheek and he breaks away from me.

I slouch, in shock. I've never seen Alex cry. He pinches in the bridge of his nose, trying to hide his sorrow. I sit there for a moment, dumbfounded. I then put my arm around him. It's my turn to be there for him. He immediately collapses against me. I stroke his hair and kiss the top of his head.

"It's going to be okay, Alex," I whisper. I push him away slightly and put his head in my hands. I kiss his forehead. "It's going to be okay," I repeat.

Alex and I stare into each other's eyes, both wet with tears. We slowly get closer and closer until our lips brush up against each other... and it erupts. Our mouths wrestle in a frantic match. Alex's mouth moves to my neck, biting at my skin. I fall back against the couch, running my hands on the back of his neck. Alex slips his hand under my shirt and a small moan escapes from my lips. We're like animals, fighting for control but in a sexy, destructive way.

"Oh, Alex... I'm so sorry..."