Discipline

A Power Struggle

My head lays in Max’s lap as we watch Breaking Bad together. It’s my favorite show of all time. This is probably the third time I’ve gone through and watched it all again. Max has never seen it before so it’s a lot of fun watching with him. The credits roll and I sit up and press the B button on my Xbox controller.

“We’re not watching anymore?” Max asks, a little sadness in his voice.

I smirk and I sit on his lap, facing him. I kiss him affectionately and I rest my wrists on his shoulders. Max’s brows furrow, misunderstanding at first but then it clicks. He puts his arms around my waist and kisses me gingerly over and over. Our lips finally lock and we begin the fight for control. A high-pitched moan escapes from my lips as Max’s lips move to my neck. I pull away to take off my shirt and then Max’s mouth attacks my chest.

“Come on,” I say, standing and grabbing the pitcher’s hand. A goofy grin spreads across his face as I lead him into my bedroom. “Get undressed…”

I slide onto the bed backwards and Max follows, facing me. He cranes his neck so that our lips meet. I lie on my back and Max hangs over me, drinking me in. I smile humorously and kiss him quickly. He lowers his head down and starts to suck on the soft skin of my neck, then moving down to my breasts. I jerk my head back at the touch.

My brows furrow together as Max continues to go lower and lower—and then it hits me. I try to relax since we’ve never done this before with each other. Max kisses below my navel and I slowly open my legs. My stomach lurches and I release a crooked gasp as Max puts his tongue against me. The warmth makes me all tingly. Prick by prick, the indescribable sensation travels throughout my body.

Max runs his fingertips back and forth across my thighs, causing goose bumps to rise along my flesh. My breathing grows shallow and I close my eyes, absorbing the moment. I raise my arms above my head, feeling the smooth comforter against my wrists. I put my hands over my closed eyes. I bend my knees and my back arches, my hips bucking.

As Max continues to go down on me, I can’t help but replace his presence with Alex’s. I imagine his rough, calloused hands against my thighs; I think about his soft, gentle lips against me. He and I never got to share this experience. It never got to that. I miss the feeling of his body against mine; the way he ran his fingers through my hair and then I would suck on his bottom lip. A misty smile spreads across my face as I ponder the thought of waking up next to Alex—the heat of his breath on the crook of my neck…

I let out a loud moan as I’m brought back to reality. Regretful tears fill my eyes and I practically start hyperventilating from my attempt to stifle a cry. But Max just takes it as me enjoying his head. I’m torn as I try to decide whether or not I should push Alex out of my thoughts. A jolt of almost unbearable pleasure shoots through my body and my mouth and eyes snap open.

“Oh, Max…” I whisper, running my fingers through his hair. He tickles my outer thigh and I crack a euphoric smile.

I grab my breast and bend my neck back. I then look down at Max, wanting to watch him work his magic. I yell out as the pressure grows in my head. I am uncontrollable and can’t be tamed as I reach my climax. My chest puffs out and I bite my lower lip to keep myself from crying out too loud. My skin is flushed; my brows are furrowed; my head is aching. And then it hits me—an exhilarating shower pours over me. My head is swimming from the release. Suddenly exhausted, I collapse and remain motionless on the bed.

Max crawls up next to me and kisses me sweetly. I exhale and smile softly, looking him in the eye. I put my hand up to his cheek and kiss him back.

“You’re good at that,” I say breathlessly.

“Thanks,” he smirks. “I try my best.” The smile then melts off his face. He runs his fingertips down the side of my face. “I’m so happy we’re finally together. You don’t know how long I’ve waited for this.”

I suddenly feel really uncomfortable. It really creeps me out when he says things like that—like he’s been planning this envious scheme; like he’s some evil mastermind. And I’ve seen the evil in his eyes—that day in the hotel when he told me that I had to service him. That wasn’t Max. Or was it?

Max kisses me again, gripping my cheeks in his hands. I kiss him back despite the little voice in the back of my head screaming at me to stop and get out of this situation. My breath waivers as I pull away. I look up into his eyes, feeling frightened of the possibilities.

Max slides off the bed. “Now, since I did that for you, I was wondering…” He steps over to my wardrobe where I keep all my BDSM stuff. He opens it up and pulls out a cane. “…if you could, you know, dominate me?”

I seriously feel like I’m going to throw up. I am so full of so many emotions—anger, hurt, frustration, an overwhelming sense of the loss of my control in this life. I’m speechless as tears well in my eyes and Max stares at me, grinning and waiting for me to answer.

“W-what?” I finally croak. I tilt my head and squint in my eyes.

“C’mon, Elizabeth! I did that for you, now you can do this for me.” He outstretches his arm, handing me the cane.

“No…” I say softly.

Max frowns. “What do you mean ‘no’?” He seems genuinely confused.

“No, Max. I won’t. Haven’t you learned anything? Having me dominate you has made us lose everything… and I don’t want to do it anymore.”

“But… but… you can’t just quit! What about all the great times we had together?” His mouth gapes.

I sigh. “They were great for you! I was just doing my fucking job! To be honest, towards the end there, I really didn’t even like doing it—ever since I signed that exclusive contract with you. It doesn’t feel right anymore.”

“But I’ve paid you already…”

“Take it back. I don’t want your money. I’m not your prostitute; I’m not your sex slave; I’m not your lover. Please, just go before we say things we’ll both regret.” My demeanor is calm but I’m holding on by a thread.

Max’s face turns bright red. “No! You can’t do this to me! I’ve been waiting for two long years for this! You can’t just decide to quit! I’ve paid my dues!”

I shake my head. “It doesn’t work that way, Max. You can’t force people to be with you. Can’t you realize that you’re just my rebound? The only reason why I’m with you is because you’re the only person I know in Detroit that doesn’t hate me.” It was a low blow but it had to be said.

A solitary tear rolls down the pitcher’s cheek. He starts to shake and I fear he might burst. “Well, then you just lost that one person. You’re all alone now.”

“And I’m okay with that,” I breathe. “I don’t want you in my life anymore. Please—go.”

With one swift move, Max takes the cane and snaps it in half over his knee. He throws the scraps of wood onto the floor, grabs his clothes and stomp out of the room. I wait until I hear the door slam, signaling that he left, that I drop to my knees. I put my fists over my ears and scream at the top of my lungs. I fall on my side and I lay on my bedroom floor, naked and broken, and feeling incredibly lonely.

I think back to that day where I sat on my best friend’s princess bed, holding her hand as I watched my life permanently change forever. I probably deserve all of this. I’m a horrible person and there is something severely wrong with me.