Discipline

A Cruel World

 finally decide to take a shower after days of lying in bed, sobbing. I strip off my grubby clothes and start the hot water. I lean over the sink, my hands curled around the lip. I stare at myself as the mirror as it steams up. I look disgusting—mascara smeared all over my cheeks, pale as a ghost, and my eyes are so puffy that they look like I’ve been punched over and over. But that’s how I feel.

I step into the shower and the scalding water turns my skin blotchy and red. I feel so lifeless that it’s a struggle for me to lift my arms to wash my hair. I roll the tips of my fingers in a slow, methodical pattern. I then move to my body. No matter how hard I scrub, I still don’t feel clean. I slowly slide down the wall of my shower and curl up in the corner. The water raining down from the showerhead beats against my shins. I don’t know how long I stay there but it felt like forever, but not even long enough.

My legs shake as I stand up and turn off the water. I grab a big fluffy white towel and wrap myself in it. The pain hits me like a train and my face scrunches up as tears begin to fall. I put my hand over my face and I wipe away the tears. I dry myself off and brush out my long damp hair. I put on men’s pajama pants and a Nine Inch Nails shirt and I exit the bathroom.

I sit on the couch with the only sound being the cars on the street below me. I curl up and lay down. Part of me feels like I should watch some TV just to get my mind off of this situation, but then I feel like I deserve this pain.

It’s been almost a week since that… night. I haven’t talk to any of the Tigers since then. They all hate me. The whole Clubhouse hates me. I can’t even confide in anyone because I don’t really have any friends and my family would be appalled. I keep replaying it over and over in my head. Alex’s face makes my heart ache. He’ll never forgive me. And why should he?

There is a knock at the door and I flinch. I sit up and wait for a moment, contemplating whether or not I should answer it. I decide to go for it. I look through the peep hole but I can’t see anything. I slow turn the doorknob and open the door to find a sad-looking Max Scherzer.

“What do you want?” I don’t say it nastily; just a plain statement.

Max clears his throat. He looks so depressed. His skin is grayish and he has massive bags under his eyes. My heart almost sinks for him. “I want to talk.”

I haven’t had a conversation with anyone in a week, so I guess I’ll go for it. “Come on in.”

Max walks over the couch and takes a seat. “You have a nice place.”

That’s right. He’s never been to my apartment. “How did you find out where I live?” I cross my arms.

“Elizabeth, it’s 2014. There’s a thing called Google Maps.” Max sighs. “Could you take a seat?”

Eyeing the pitcher suspiciously, I slowly sit down next to him. “What would you like to discuss?”

“I know you may not want to but we need to talk about that night.” He hangs his head. “I need someone to talk to. None of the guys will even look at me. My game is completely thrown off. I need help.” He chokes up.

I roll my eyes. “Stop being such a martyr. None of this would have happened if you hadn’t forced me to service you that night.”

Max’s eyes turn dark. “Tell me, Elizabeth, when were you planning on telling Alex about us? Or were you just going to lie the rest of your life. I mean, a floral shop? Really?”

Tears spring from my eyes and I put my face in my hands. “I just didn’t want him to think I was a freak. I really liked him. He is amazing. And I fucked it all up.”

Max puts his arm around my shoulders and scoots closer to me so that our thighs are touching. “It’s going to be okay, Elizabeth.”

“No, it’s not! I’ve screwed up everything!” I sob. “I have no one.”

There’s a moment of silence. “You’ve got me.”

I cease my crying and look up at him. Without even thinking, I shove my lips against his. Max immediately puts his hands on my face, cupping my cheeks. Our mouths open and the kiss intensifies. Max’s right hand slides down my body to my waist.

I haven’t forgotten about Alex. I just really need to be close to someone—even if that person is Max Scherzer. I pause the kiss to take off my shirt and Max mimics me. I then climb on top of him, my bare breasts pressed against his chest. My left leg is in between Max’s thighs and I feel him grow hard. My lips move down to his neck as I unzip his jeans and stuff my hand down them. A groan releases from his chest and his quickly kisses me again.

I pull away and get up off the couch, taking Max’s hand and leading him to my bedroom. We both take off our pants and climb on the bed. Max leaves kisses from my lips and down to my breasts. I blankly stare at the ceiling as Max slides my panties off. He removes his underwear and then climbs on top of me, too excited for my taste.

“I’m so happy this is finally happening,” Max whispers into my ear.

I stare him silently. I then kiss him once more. I pull him on top of me, spreading my legs. Max thrusts himself into me and I let out a long, drawn out gasp. A jolt of pain spreads throughout my body. I tense up.

“Relax,” Max coos. “I’m not going to hurt you.”

I look at him and then slowly put one arm on his shoulder and the other on his cheek. “I know,” I croak.

Max kisses my forehead and then continues his thrusting. I feel so torn. I should be angry at Max but I can’t help but do this. He’s the only one I have left. No matter how much my furious side fights, my body is stronger. My body is betraying me.

I start to breath heavily as I feel that sensation of sexual pleasure start to pick up. Max has found his rhythm and I am whimpering. I start to lose myself in the situation: I grow lightheaded and dizzy. But then I remember that night I had with Alex… the night that we first made love. It was so beautiful and emotional for me. Why did I have to screw things up? And can’t Max see that he’s just my rebound fuck?

“Elizabeth, are you okay?” Max asks, his voice full of concern.

“What?”

“You’re crying…” he points out. “Are you thinking about Alex?” His voice is low and small.

I want to be honest with him. I’m sick of the lies. “Yes, but not in the way that you think.” I then think about it for a moment… maybe I’ll embellish the truth a little bit. “I’m just upset because I’ve hurt so many people. I never meant for anything of this to happen. I’m sorry.”

Max climbs off of me and lays on his side next to me. “Why are you apologizing to me? I’m the worst of them all. I put you and Alex in that position, knowing that it wouldn’t end up well.”

“No, Max. I was the one who started lying in the first place. God, I’m such a shitty person.” My face scrunches up as more tears fall.

Max wraps his arms around me and kisses the top of my head. “It’s okay. We have each other now.”

My eyes widen and I feel sick to my stomach. I ignore it and reply with, “Yeah, I guess we do.” I’d rather be with Max than be alone. What does that say about me?