Love Letters [KTH FF]

Lᴏᴠᴇ Lᴇᴛᴛᴇʀ 5

Dear Tae

January 3rd, 2022

You have no idea how happy I was to get your letter. I've missed you so much and to know that you are still my friend means the world to me. Hopefully one day, we will meet again and be as close as ever. I've been watching a lot of your online performances lately. Why are you so good, so talented. I always knew that you would do something, but this big? I've watched the fansign events and find myself getting jealous of all the people who get to see you, who get to touch your hand, who get to look you in the eyes. I get jealous of the fact that you look so in your place. You belong right where you are. And if you weren't there, it's like you wouldn't even exist.

I kept deciphering every word of your letter. Are you not allowed to have them for some reason? What made your PD's finally allow you to have them. Did you have to convince them that I was a childhood friend? I have so many questions, but not enough answers. 

Sometimes, I will fall asleep, and have a dream-memory. Do you know what those are? They are memories that have been forgotten by the conscious brain. In my dream, all my memories with you are replayed. When I was finally able to sleep -I haven't been sleeping much, lately- I had a dream about the old polaroid we found. The one that had all the film and all the requirements right next to it. As we were walking on the sidewalk, it was just there, right in front of an old building that was no longer used. I picked it up and brought it to you. I have to admit, you take better pictures than I do. I guess that's just because you're talented.

I've been working on a lot of poems lately. Do you want me to share one? I know you won't be able to answer, so I'll just share one with you:

I am a deep, philosophical thinker, eager to see the world go ablaze.
Eager to see the world burn for the lies being hard-wired into my brain.
For allowing these lies to try and mold me into a conformist with no free will.
For trying to form me into a non-emotional being.
I was made to have feelings, not to dilute them, but to embrace them.
I want to know what it feels like to have an adrenaline rush.
I want to be able to cry, scream, smile, and feel my feelings.
But the psychologists, who are paid to sedate me, try to control how I feel.
It is truly a wonderful thing to feel my feelings fully,
Because to live without feelings, is not living at all.

I wrote this because my mom had scheduled me an appointment to see a medicine doctor. She said I wasn't, 'as happy as normal', this was shortly after you left, how could I be my normal happy? With you gone. They put me on an antidepressant. A mood stabilizer. They didn't work. They just made me feel worse, and the only thing that would make me feel better would be to see you again.

Kim Taehyung, I miss you. I love you.

Yours,
Han Minyoung