What the Heart Wants: Book 3

7

We ate, drank, talked, and laughed for the next couple of hours. I couldn't remember a time I had felt this happy since the night under the stars in Rivendell. I felt somewhat guilty for neglecting Thorin but I knew that the dwarf lord was most likely held up in his room, coming up with lies about the company. Being with him at this moment would have only left me heart-heavy. The night seemed to go on for hours and part of me felt nervous about the interaction I would be having with Thorin once the party was over.

"You ok?" Bofur whispered to me, leaning over to ensure no one else could hear us.

I nodded and tried to give a convincing look, "Just tired."

"Yeah, I think we all are," He said standing up, "Alright lads, I think we should try and get a good night's sleep. Who knows what tomorrow will bring but for now, we have filled our bellies and we should rest our minds."

The dwarves all mumbled in agreement and I watched with a soft smile as Gloin gently woke up a sleeping Ori. The dwarves slowly began to file out of the dining hall, leaving only Balin, Dwalin, Bilbo, and myself.

"I think we should begin to get used to the idea that our kindhearted leader may lose that trait for the next little while," Balin said to the four of us.

"I'm doing what I can, I promise. It's just-It's, that nothing is getting through to him. Even when I'm with him, he remembers he cares about me but it's not enough to pull him out of it," I told them.

Dwalin put a hand on my shoulder and smiled at me, "We all know and appreciate that you are doing your best. It's all we can ask of you; frankly, you have kept him around longer than most of us imagined he could stay for."

Balin nodded in agreement, "I know it's hard to love him right now-"

"But it's not hard Balin," I said, cutting the dwarf off, "It's not hard to love him, or care about him. Not in the slightest. What's hard is knowing that no matter how hard or how much I love him until the dragon sickness is gone the "him" I'm loving is barely there."

Balin nodded slightly and placed his hand on my upper arm, "I didn't mean it that way las."

I sighed and looked down at the ground in defeat, "I know Balin. I'm sorry. I just wish my love for him was enough to pull him out of the trance he's in."

"Is it worth it to try and talk to him again?" Bilbo asked, pulling my gaze towards him.

"I don't know anymore. Sometimes it feels mentally draining to try and talk to him. And then I feel guilty that I don't want to."

"It's understandable y/n," Bilbo continued, "But you both need each other. He needs you to come out of his trance and you need him to stay sane. I knew you before him y/n and only a blind Hobbit wouldn't be able to see how he's changed you. You're more open about yourself and what you're feeling. You're happier and calmer than I've seen you in years when you're around him. When he's here, he brings out a side of you I never knew existed. So I think you should keep trying, not because the others need him, but because you do. And he needs you too."

I was left looking at Bilbo, my mouth hanging open. Glancing at the other two dwarves I realized they too appeared speechless.

"Bilbo, I didn't realize you were that perceptive," I whispered.

He shrugged and placed his hand on my cheek, "Just try again, who knows what will happen this time, hm?"

I nodded and took a deep breath, "Well I think that's my cue."

"Good luck," Dwalin mumbled as I walked away.

I mentally thanked him. I would need it. Talking with Thorin, as this sickness stuck with him longer and longer, made him unpredictable. He had become verbally and physically violent in these episodes and there was no telling what he might do without noticing.