What the Heart Wants: Book 3

4

"Thorin!" I called. For a guy with short legs, he sure moved pretty fast, "Thorin!"

He finally stopped and turned around to look at me.

"I know what you want from me," He said, appearing as though he was holding back from yelling at me.

"Tell me."

"You want me to be better. To do better, well I can't. I'm doing my best and if that's not good enough for you then I don't know what to tell you."

"I never said it wasn't good enough but you're hurting people Thorin. I know you're sick but doesn't that bother you?"

"I don't feel anything anymore," He hissed, moving to stand in front of me, "Do you have any idea what that's like?"

"No I don't but-"

"Exactly. You have no idea what it's like to know you're supposed to be feeling something but you just can't. I don't feel happy, I don't feel sad. The only emotion I feel when I'm not feeling anything is anger."

"Why can't you just tell me that then! Or tell anybody?"

"Because no one will understand!"

"They can sympathize Thorin! Everyone understands you are dealing with stuff but so are they. They just got their home back, some of them are seeing their home for the first time. It is completely unfair for you to act like you are the only one suffering."

"I am their King-"

"Then start fucking acting like it."

"How dare you."

"No! No Thorin. I'm the only one willing to stand up to you so I need to speak on behalf of everyone else. Look in a goddamn mirror and figure out who you are because without them, you wouldn't have gotten this far. It's time to start showing them some gratitude and some respect."

He put his fingers on the bridge of his nose and touched my locket, "Why can't you understand, I'm doing my best."

"I love you Thorin," I told him, placing my hand over the one touching the necklace, "But as King, you need to do more than your best."

He didn't respond to me and just gave a deep sigh.

"I'm going to find Bilbo."

I left without another word. Thorin didn't try to stop me and, while a part of me hoped he would, it didn't come as a surprise. I walked back towards the throne where Bilbo and the others were still waiting.

"Hey!" Balin said as I approached, "What happened?"

"The sickness took over," I said, walking past him.

"Wa-wait!" He called after me, running to keep up.

I stopped at the entrance to the throne room, Balin hot on my tail.

"I know you all expect me to be able to diffuse every situation, Balin. But I cant. There is only so much I can do and if he isn't willing to listen to me then."

"We don't expect you to always be able to diffuse it dear," Balin said, placing a hand on my shoulder, "We just can see how much he loves you."

"He's sure great a showing it."

"Look las, I've known Thorin for decades. I knew him when he was just a wee lad and I've watched him question decisions, doubt himself, doubt others, I've watched him spend two months deciding what colour beads to put in his hair."

"Balin, what does this have to do with me? What does this have to do with anything?"

"Y/n. I've never seen Thorin so sure about anything like he is about his feelings for you. I truly believe you can help him. I don't want to put that pressure on you but, you can take him from 100% to 60% which is more than any of us can do."