Wanting Approval

Chapter Fourteen

Unfortunately the next was not going better for Lewis. His thoughts were going a mile a minute in his head as soon as he got up. He has to go through the actions of his day in his head step by step four times this morning before he can even get dressed. Lewis was trying really hard to focus while brushing his teeth because his sister has already yelled at him to hurry up in the bathroom but he can't get his mind to focus on moving his arm. All he can think about is Blake, that last thing he ate and whether or not he should be on the soccer team. Is he even good enough to be on the team or do people just keep him around out of pity. He had too much to eat at dinner last night but he was just so hungry, he couldn't help himself. Lastly, Blake is never going to like him back and he is eventually going to leave Lewis behind. All these horrible things keep twisting together in his head while getting ready for school.

While walking to school Lewis can see Blake a little further up the road but he can't bring himself to catch up to him. Blake is never going to like him back and he is eventually going to leave Lewis behind. Lewis just keeps walking and turns the volume on his music up a little bit. Callie sees him in the hallway and knows immediately that it is a bad day so they don't talk while waiting for class and she just walks him to his first period.

During his third period he can't listen to anything the teacher is saying, it doesn't seem to matter as much as the thoughts ambushing Lewis at the moment. He can feel Blake looking at him, Blake is never going to like him back and he is eventually going to leave Lewis behind. Lewis didn't eat lunch again today but he doesn't feel hungry. He just feels a bit nauseous from the anxiety of everything winding him up today, yet he did have too much to eat at dinner last night so he shouldn't be hungry yet. Luckily he doesn't have soccer practice so once the day is done he can run home and spend his time reading to get rid of these thoughts that are flying by at an amazing pace inside his head. Lewis is finally getting his breath to stay steady when the bell rings, meaning he has to go out into the hallway with all the people again.

Blake has been watching Lewis all class. So far he has watched Lewis pick at his finger and is almost positive that he can see blood coming from the one, he has also seen way too many deep breaths coming from the boy. That can't mean anything good. Blake isn't paying attention to the teacher either as his concern only grows when the bell rings and Lewis physically flinches. He decides that maybe it would be best if he walked Lewis to his final class since he seems so jumpy and nervous. He can only imagine what the poor boy is thinking as he stands up grabbing his things with shaking hands.

"Hey, I'm gunna walk with you to your next class okay?" Blake says helping put things in Lewis's bag and staying close as they make their way out of the classroom door. He only gets a small nod from Lewis.

Once they are in the hall they make it about halfway before turning a corner and being separated by some stupid guy who tried to round the corner to tight. The guy bumps into Lewis who stutters out a "sorry" and backs up out of the guy's way. But the boy only scoffs at him before pushing past Lewis.

Lewis can feel his world closing in on him, there are too many people in the hallway. He can hear all the shoes making noise against the tiled floor, he can hear people making conversation with each other. Then someone else has pushed past him and he is against the wall. He must not be getting any air into his lungs or his chest wouldn't burn like this. Before he can try to calm himself down another wave of panic comes out of nowhere, he is pushing himself into the wall and bringing his hands up to his ears as all the noise just seems to get louder and louder. His left hand starts to rub at his chest because it is starting to feel like something is stabbing him.

Suddenly there are hands on his shoulder and someone is trying to get in his face. Lewis can't get his eyes to focus enough to push this person off of him but they have a gentle hold on his shoulders still. Lewis finally lands eye contact and realizes it's Blake talking to him. So he tries his hardest to hear Blake's words and nothing else. When Blake can't get a response from Lewis he just nudges him towards the bathroom since the hallway is a little less crowded now that the rush is over it isn't too hard to get them there together. Thankfully no one is in the bathroom when they get there so he just turns Lewis around and can keep all his focus on getting him to calm down. Blake stands right behind Lewis with his arms wrapped around to hold his chest to his back. He brings his hand up to gently push his knuckles into Lewis's sternum. This is relieving the building pressure in Lewis. He can hear Blake talking in his ear about breathing, he is trying so hard to get any air in but it just isn't working. He focuses his senses on feeling Blakes chest against his back, his arms holding him tight and his gentle reminder against his chest. He can see the tile floor and the white walls of the bathroom. Lastly he can hear Blake more clearly now. 

"You got this Lewis, just breathe nice and deep with me, please Lewis, just breathe let's do it together ya? In ... and ... out" Blake says trying his best to coax him to breathe. Finally, Lewis feels like he can get a little bit of air. He can feel himself taking in some staggering breaths.

"Yes Lewis! You're doing so good, come on keep going" Blake says encouragingly after he can feel Lewis breathing against him. He can't hold back the concern written all over his face but also the small smile that he lets slip knowing that Lewis is finally coming around again. Meanwhile Lewis is just squeezing his eyes shut and focusing on counting his breathing to keep it normal.

"Hey, why don't we go home? I think we've done enough today" Blake suggests once Lewis opens his eyes and his breathing has been level for some time now. Blake is already grabbing Lewis's bag and putting over his shoulder and his own over the other. Lewis only nods in response and follows Blake out of the bathroom into the now quiet hallway.

The two boys go to each other's locker and gather their things before leaving the school. Blake is wearing a plain gray t-shirt and jeans and carrying his backpack on his shoulders while not so subtly looking at Lewis every other second. Lewis is wearing his favourite navy blue long sleeve shirt and light wash jeans also now carrying his own bag on his back. While walking down the street towards Lewis's house they look exactly like they were two highschool students skipping class. 

"I'm s-s-sorry" Lewis says a couple minutes into walking. He stops walking and looks down at his hands playing with the hem of his shirt and notices there is a little bit of dried blood on his finger from where there must have been a hangnail.

"No, don't you dare apologize for that. Lewis, a panic attack is out of your control. You should never feel sorry for that" Blake says, grabbing Lewis's two hands in his own, making Lewis look up at him. Blake holds eye contact with him, wanting to really push his message into Lewis.

Lewis just drops his gaze to past Blakes shoulder and nods his head. He can't find the energy to fight Blake on why he should have walked away from Lewis a while ago. He never wanted Blake to have to see him at his worst like that. Lewis didn't like people knowing what it was like to watch him struggle to do something as simple as breathe. Plus, surely now Blake must think he is weird and want nothing to do with him. Blake is never going to like him back and he is eventually going to leave Lewis behind.

Only Blake continues walking but doesn't drop his hand. They walk all the way to Lewis's house holding hands. Lewis finds it so comforting to have this little bit of contact after such a bad attack. He has always craved contact after. This is why his mom usually rubs his back or just hugs him until he feels better. He could never ask Blake for this but hand holding is good enough if it's what Blake is offering.

Once at Lewis's place Blake sets Lewis up on the couch with the tv turned on. He goes into the kitchen to grab them both a glass of water. This of course takes longer than expected because it's not his house and he doesn't know where the glasses are so he has to search for them before finally finding them in the top right cabinet. When he comes back into the living room he gasps because Lewis isn't on the couch, he's not even in the room. Blake quickly sets the glasses down and checks the hallway, he still sees Lewis's shoes by the door so he hasn't left the house. Just as he is going to go upstairs he sees Lewis round the corner to go down the stairs. Lewis is wrapped in his favorite fuzzy blanket off of his bed. This blanket is his safe blanket that he wears to help with attacks.

The two settle down on the couch together to watch some tv for a little bit. Blake has made sure to sit first that way Lewis can pick the distance he wants in between them. Luckily for Blake it was none. Before Lewis sat down he wrapped the blanket around Blake's shoulders too and sat down with their side pressed against each other. Blake has never smiled so wide in his life, he is sure that his dimples were standing out because of how happy he was that Lewis wanted him around right now. Lewis just leaned into the warmth and let himself rest against Blake's side.