Letters & Poetry to no one and everyone

VII

You know...I one tried to explain depression to someone. I thought that I did a pretty good job in the description.

"It's like being under a boulder that has finally
Done it's job and almost finds amusement
In crushing me underneath its weight."

I was wrong. I didn't quite know how wrong I was until tonight recently, seeing as it's it's almost midnight.

I was wrong in the sense that while I lay here, having just finished talking to my boyfriend which I was lucky enough to have, and reading for nearly two hours; I feel this pit.

It was small at first, comparable to a peach pit. But it grew, not quickly like one would assume. But it grew.

And grew.

And grew.

Quickly...silently. Like a serpent in one of those old western movies I spent a few afternoons watching. You know what I'm talking about?

One of those scenes where the main character is fighting the bad guy, and the bad guy falls to the ground, only to be bitten by a rattle snake? One of those.

It's not a boulder...no it's much smaller. I've found another analogy finally. Say your laying on the ground, smiling up at the clear blue sky. A white fence blocks your view of the darkening cloud on the horizon as you eat a peach.

You fall asleep after finishing it, not bothering to throw away the peach pit so you just lay it on your stomach.

Your asleep a lot longer than your thought you were. And before you know it an entire peach tree has grown.

Do you know how hard it is cut that tree off once it grows?

It's hard. Really fucking hard.

And the only thing I feel as though I can do in this situation is help. Help in any way possible, whether it be cleaning the white board off, listening to my friends complain or just making them smile, listening to the problems of the suicide line worker, anything. ANYTHING WILL DO. Anything to try and help the ache in my heart. Anything to make others feel what I can't.

Anything to let others know "IM STILL HERE!"

You know, I get a lot of crap online, not because I'm mean—well I am, but in a different way. But because of my zodiac sign.

I'm a Leo. Which are apparently "self absorbed, attention seeking bitches" well you know what? I try.

I try not to be self absorbed, focusing on everyone else—ignoring my needs half the time. Which is usually due to me forgetting to drink water for days on end, or eat, or sleep.

I only want others attention because I need to be reminded that others still see me. No matter the type of attention, as long as they see me. As long as their aware that I'm still live—will notice if I'm gone. Because that way, I can't do anything to myself.

I try not to be a bitch, but sometimes I have to snap too. I can't always be the straight A, student council, surrounded by friends, adored by the teachers, has a loving boyfriend girl. SOMETIMES I have to be mean!! Sometimes I need to try and feel something other than shallow happiness!!!

And that makes me feel really fucking guilty. But here we are. Still laying in bed awake.