Letters & Poetry to no one and everyone

II

To anyone whom cares to listen,

Depression

Depression...depression is hard to explain, some days is suffocating- the thing that decides your every move, and when you try to fight it, its grip just tightens. Sometimes though, it's locked in a cage in the back of your mind; just waiting to escape its cage.

One day, I can be this bright confident girl. Others, I can be this timid forgettable one. But...depression doesn't quit work like that, it isn't separated by days, or even weeks or hours. No. It's separated by mere seconds.

Something just clicks in your brain, and all of a sudden you're sad, or happy. It could be a person, or event, or even just yourself.

And what's funny is that you'd think that the worst thing about it is the mood swings but no- it's not. The worst fucking thing about it is that when it comes, and you first experience it, it just stays. It never truly goes away.

That's something that often scares me. The fact that in a mere moment, or when I wake up the next day, I will have such a strong temptation to kill myself. It's scary, really fucking scary. Not knowing whether it'd be a good day or not when you go to sleep, yet slip off into black abbis anyways.

You see, I'm one of the lucky ones, I know I am. I don't dream, and when I do I don't remember it. I just might wake up with my teeth clenched.

Most people- after they get out of their depressive state, try to move on with their life, get back into the swing of things before they were depressed. And it's hard, it's really fucking hard.

Over the time that you've had depression, you build up this towering expiation for yourself, and you know inside that it's irrational, but you can't stop. And it gets scary when you don't reach your own high expectations.

Everyone has felt the guilt for not reaching someone else's expirations, but when you don't meet your own? It's completely different, and you've been put into this mind set to cope in any way necessary to at some points- drive the information in through pain. Whether that's cutting, scratching, hitting your head, pinching, biting, etc.

But it's not only physical pain that's made to drive in the information. It could be studying, practicing, dragging yourself down, getting depressed, etc.

You see, when you have depression for an extended period of time, you get used to it, it becomes almost retein to deal with it, and when it's gone you don't know what to do.

But I personally think that the episodes hit harder.

Because once it's there again, your body feels heavy, and your mind is racing- or numb. Your thrown out of retein once again back into your old one. And you can't stop it.

It's just, really fucking scary. As a person doing through a depressive episode right now to anyone seeing this, if you feel sad, or need to talk to someone just private message me. Or even comment, I'd much prefer you get help then be silent lovelies.

That's all for tonight,

-ODDBAll08