Letters & Poetry to no one and everyone

IV

Why is it I feel these fantasies? Why is it that I feel that deeply set aching down to my very bone?

Why is it, that when I imagine him, I am filled so deeply with glee?

It had be the worst of fantasies, even fantasies of him raping me and I'll feel just so ecstatic. As though nothing in the sense matters because he noticed me for once. Not the other way around.

I'd like to think I fill peoples sexual thoughts, those thoughts that keep people up until 4 AM, on this amazing feeling. This amazingly awful feeling.

That maybe people think of how their name would sound with my last name, or mine with theirs.

Maybe they lay in bed imagining over and over again what it would feel like for me to hug them; kiss them even.

Or maybe people crave to be back to the hell called school so they can sit behind me in that short span of ten minutes in homeroom. Or have short conversations with me at our lockers. Even if it's only two or three words.
Locker 166. That's my locker number, locker 168 is is. We're so terribly close, yet so far.
This may be stalkish, but at a point in time, I started memorizing your schedule, not just yours, but others to. I think it's a form of control?

I don't know, all I know is that when I'm in math, I need to take a walk, so I can catch a glimpse of you through the door as I walk by, your usually looking down at your laptop, never noticing me, but that's fine.

We used to have two classes together. Those classes I do terribly craved, some days I only reason I got out of bed at all was for those classes.

But I had to be a petty bitch, and as for a more advanced English course, and it ended up with me switching classes. Away from you. But I still have homeroom, I still have locker time, and those small moments where I can pretend that you notice me, right?

Lately, and this is only today, since we were on thanksgiving break this last week, I feel as though your more aware of me. That you can sense when I'm there.

And that you watch me sometimes, just sometimes when you don't think I'm looking. Is it bad that even if it is my imagination, I would oh so gladly let it run away with me? I would let it carry me higher than I thought possible?

I once had this day dream, and it sorta stuck with me. I was touching myself, thinking of you (per norm) and I suddenly had this thought that I couldn't control.

You were there, and we were laying in the front area of the schoolyard, people passing by us without a care, as if we weren't even there.

And you were on top, smiling that smile of yours as you kissed my neck. I was a breathy mess of whimpers underneath you, and you just chuckled, you let out that half laugh, have breath thing people do when they find something funny but don't have the energy to actually laugh.

You have this own joke of sorts. I mentioned above that I switched my classes around so I no longer have any classes with you, but you seem to have this joke that goes something like this: "thought you switched, huh?". And I have

No. Idea. Why.

Are you mad that I switched? Well I really am too! Do you find it amusing and want to torture me? Please stop, it's becoming painful.
Why...Why!?...WHY!? DAMN ITT WHY DO YOU SAY THAT!?!?!?

And it's like you understand that I was pushed so far that I was going to ask why. Or did you just not find it amusing anymore, not feel glee upon seeing my reaction fold out in front of you.

Did I not react the way you wanted?

Did you get bored of me and decided to move on?

Was I always just a play thing you played with when you were bored?

And why didn't you ask that question when they're were a lot of people around?

Were you protecting me because you knew k would get anxious? Or were you just protecting yourself because you were embarrassed so you hid it?

Why do I feel this way?

I fell hard and fast, and not even I could stop myself by looking at others.

I love you.

I will never ever admit that to your face, because I am too afraid of the rejection that I know will undoubtedly come. Should I just take my chances and say it?

Already I'm thinking of the multiple ways I would say it to you tomorrow. I could say it at lockers before homeroom, or perhaps sometime during the day in passing? I can imagine the shock registering on your face as you try to softly reject me, the guilt in your eyes of hurting me. Or maybe you won't care? Maybe you'll feel so compelled to have anyone give you the attention that you crave that you'll accept that I have a crush on you, and say you return the feelings?

Maybe.

God I hate that word. Maybe. Maybe. MAYBE.

What I vile word. All of my thoughts end with words like that. Maybe, possibly, probably, no offense.

How do I make my mind just not?

HOW!? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO DO THAT!?
Please...

AJ I love you please let this reach you somehow...