Red Moon Rising

36. pieces

Chapter Song: Dog Teeth - Nicole Dollanganger

XX

Maybe I should have fought harder. Maybe I should have fought at all. Maybe I should have let him break my bones before I caved to him. I'm beginning to think the physical pain would have been better than this deep, wrenching ache that's heavy enough to crush my lungs.

Isaac's fingers are smoothing over my shoulder, but I keep my eyes closed for as long as I dare before he realizes that I'm simply avoiding him.

"Layla," he whispers, and my stomach twists when his fingers run up my neck. "I have to go soon." I blink in the late morning light, wiping a hand across my face before I can catch myself.

"Fuck." The jolt of pain that stabs through my skull is enough to make me screw my eyes shut again. My cheek aches, but my nose still feels like a spike driven into bone. When I open my eyes, I find Isaac sitting on my side of the bed with a plate of food in his lap—steaming eggs and bacon that my nose was too crusted with blood to smell.

"How are you feeling?"

"Okay." Exhausted. Crushed. Drained.

"I brought you breakfast." He doesn't look at me straight when he hands me the plate, and his neck is flushed red as I gently press my palm to my hurting cheek to absorb some of the heat there. It's like he's two different people who can't comprehend the actions of the other. "Can I see?"

Slowly, I let him look at the bruise that's blooming across my skin. It started turning darker last night, and I'm sure it's a swollen wash of color now. The soft frown on his face isn't comforting to me—I don't know what to do with his guilt when it won't make up for what he did. If anything, it only makes me more frightened of him. How can he be so tender toward me, so genuinely affectionate, and then change so quickly?

"Thanks for the breakfast," I say quietly, and his hand finds my knee through the blankets. "Isaac..."

"What?"

"I really miss my family." The admission makes my throat ache, and his frown turns down a little more. "Could I call my sister today?"

"No, Layla. You know you can't." He says it gently, but I can tell he's bracing for me to push him. I can't handle his anger right now, though, and I don't try to convince him. Still, the thought of hearing Tasha's voice makes me chest feel like it's unraveling.

"Okay." I let him thread his fingers through mine. It's a gesture I don't think he would have cared for before he broke my trust. But there's doubt in the way he handles me, like he can't get a measure on me any more than I can on him. "Am I allowed to leave the room?"

"Of course," he breathes a laugh, but I don't find the question funny. "Just stay in the school for today, would you?"

"Why?"

"Because, Layla." Isaac drags out a sigh and runs a hand through his hair. "Look, I can't trust you yet."

"What is it you need to trust me with?"

"The boys know to keep an eye out for you. If you leave the yard they're going to bring you back."

"I'm being watched now?"

"Just until I know I can trust you."

"And how will you know that?"

"I don't want to argue with you this morning, okay?" His voice is tired, like he means it. "Just don't do anything stupid while I'm gone."

"Where are you going?"

"A meeting in Cedar Falls."

I wonder if he can see the hope I try to hide on my face. Maybe he'll take Max and Reiner with him—maybe I have another chance at leaving. There are other wolves here, but it's possible that some of them are just as disillusioned as Sam.

"I'll bring back burgers and wine and we'll watch a movie." He leans in and I tilt my face up to kiss him, marveling at how gently those hands hold me now. If I run, if I get caught, his gentleness will end. And after that, maybe he won't bother trying to court me into forgiveness.

"That sounds nice." It would have been nice, too, a few short days ago. I could have built a life with him; it would have been different than the life I wanted, but it would have been my own. "Hey, Isaac."

He squeezes my fingers in response, eyes already searching my face.

"Why did you hit me?"

Isaac recoils at the question as if it has a physical force, and he drops his gaze to the floor. "God, Layla..."

"I just want to know."

I watch the muscle along his jaw tighten as he glares at the floor, letting go of my hand to lace his fingers together in front of him. "I just lost control. I don't think you get how sorry I am..."

"But why?"

"Because I was pissed that what we had meant nothing to you. You fell into my life and I fell hard for you, and then you just ran away like that." His knuckles clench together and he drops his head. "I don't do feelings, Layla. It's only you—and I don't know what the fuck I'm doing. I can't lose you. And then when you were in front of me again, looking at me like I'm some fucking monster and I just wanted to...I don't know."

I do know, though; he wanted to kill me, to break in my face until I stopped moving. I felt it in the way he hit me and the way he hovered so near after, anticipation tight in his heaving chest. Can you love someone so much you want to kill them? Is it his feelings for me that drive him to violence or is it something else inside of him that lashes out when he lets his guard down? It hurts to think about. My body is filled with a mournful ache that what we had fell apart in the way it did, that those butterflies in my stomach have turned to this.

"I'll keep trying," he says softly. "You know that, right?"

"I do," I manage, and its hard to meet the earnestness in his gaze.

"Will you ever forgive me?"

I swallow hard and lift my shoulders. I don't know what forgiveness looks like anymore. The old Layla wouldn't dream of it; but life is different now—I'm different now. I want to escape, and I want to go back to a time when I was still blissfully caught up in the storm that is Isaac. When he's looking at me like this, fingers stroking gently through the blanket over my leg, I want to have a good enough reason to forget about all of this. I want him to be a shelter that he isn't. But there is just as much a chance of forgiving him as there is of going back to my old life. I didn't know him before, not really.

Isaac's hand leaves abruptly and he stands, not looking at me when he swipes his jacket off of a chair. "See you later," he says in a low voice, and there is nothing to say as he stalks to the door. I expected him to be angry at me for my admission, but if his anger is directed at the shuddering door frame instead of me then I can at least breathe a little easier for now. 

XX

Will still be posting on Saturday, just wanted to throw in an extra one for ya <3