Starts with a Match

Life's too Short to Write Short Letters

Time passes too fast, and it's me and Don in the back of a shuttle full of the remaining three soldiers from border-troop, pulling into JBLM.

My heart is in my throat, which no longer swallows right. I've had a hand on my bowie knife on my hip since we pulled out of the border base, eyes locked on the other faces in this shuttle.

Don's at my side. He keeps spinning his wedding band with his thumb.

We pass the PX. No big black truck. No truck at the gym. Or at the park. Maybe there's a chance Toby happens to be at home today.

The building we're pulling up next to catches my eye. Cause there's a familiar truck parked outside of it.

By the time I'm done with the debriefing, mostly Hockins phoning in to talk to us five about keeping safe, holding back from PT, await further orders, I'm walking slow from the hall with Donovan limping at my side.

"Did you call Gracie?" I ask.

The truck is still there. Maybe it's magically not theirs. Maybe I'm hallucinating again.

"No, I thought I'd surprise her."

"Where you think she's at?"

"Dunno. It's the first of the month, I'm betting she's at a spouse—"

"Spouse event?" I offer, pointing across to the other building. Don looks up at me, follows my arm, and laughs.

"Holy fucking shit." He then giggles, covers his forehead with a large hand. "Ah fuckity man if I wasn't so janked up I'd run. Carry me, Kooper, let's go surprise our people."

"I ain't carrying you," I scoff. But I move his pace across the street, toward the building. He's so sloth-like, it's a blessing and a curse. Gives me too much time to think, gives me enough time to prepare what to say.

Never surprised someone by coming home early before—I mean, I don't count May. I'm talking about like what you see on the Internet. Happy families reunited, big hugs, tears. No one talks about what that soldier's actually got going through their mind when their loved one screams like that and rushes them. Shit, that would send me into overdrive. I'd run the opposite direction.

Obviously, Beth's gone; she and Jim moved while I was in the field. Hated that, wanted last hugs and shit before he moved. Hoping to see him soon somehow.

We see the families before they see us. To my surprise, Gracie's leading, and Toby's taking minutes, nodding and writing. I'm gonna steal those for my letter-nest.

Gracie's exuberant, moving her hands fast, getting people to laugh. Even though they confirmed she's expecting back in early June, they must've been waiting to tell people she was pregnant, unlike Beth and Jim. Gracie's not showing yet, but she continues to rest her hands on her stomach when another spouse is talking.

I'm still at a loss for words when Donovan comes up with something to do. He knocks on the open-door threshold. "Room for two more?" he asks.

Gracie's green eyes bounce up. She looks from his face to the way he's leaning on a crutch and me. "You asshole!" she shrieks.

Don just laughs, and she scrambles up from her seat and runs for him, even as he's begging over and over for her to be gentle. He gets a punch in the shoulder, then a hug, and his crutch falls loud to the concrete floor as he pulls her to him, thumping into the wall to their side.

I tear my attention away from the reunion and look at Toby. Less dramatic, but their eyes are still wide, still right on me.

Hi, beautiful. God, I fucked up.

Gracie calls out that the meeting is "fucking over" and spouses laugh and start filing out.

She and Don stand in the hall, him trying to talk quietly, her continuing to interrupt him with more angry questions about his wound. I wander over to Toby and sit in a chair sideways to face them, leaving one between us.

With just in here, I take off my mask, shoving it in my pocket with a twitchy hand. "Hiya, Fritzy," I mumble to my boots, chancing a shy glance at them.

They take off theirs, too. A line in their jaw is going haywire. "Hey."

I didn't write. Didn't text. Didn't call.

Didn't wake them up the morning I left and hug them like they asked. Didn't kiss their head before I went like I wanted to.

I left a note.

Short, too short.

Toby, stay safe. I'll miss you. I'll think of you daily. Yours, Kevin

I didn't. Think of them daily. I couldn't. But I missed them painfully.

I don't think they'll forgive me for leaving like that.

I wouldn't, if they did that to me.

No, I would. I'd forgive them for anything. And I'd run after them, too; find them and bring them home.

I get up and slink to the closer seat, plastic creaking with my fidgety knee. Extending an olive branch, I reach a finger to their hands clasped in their lap over their notepad and pen. My knuckle strokes their finger. Should get them a ring. "Missed you," I say quietly, in case my words echo in this large concrete hall.

They jump to their feet, scattering meeting notes, and bring my face to their chest. Third Toby hug I've ever received. Best one yet. They stand between my open legs, and I cross my ankles behind them, trap them and wrap their waist in my arms until my fingers tap my elbows. If I had wings, a tail, more hands, more of me—I'd just enclose around them entirely like a cocoon.

Something stings my eyes. It's that smell I missed. Vanilla, orange zest. They're shaking so hard. Unless that's me. Might be us both.

Shouldn't have left the way I did.

"I hate that you're here," they mutter.

I look up, alarmed. "What, why?"

Toby wipes at a cheek and glares to the empty room. "I was going to go to Maisie's tomorrow, stay for a few days. Be back by the time you get home."

"Why?" I ask again, holding tighter.

"I just wanted to visit."

"Can't you visit another time?"

"I'm not sure you get to ask me that, Kevin." I hide the lower half of my face in their shirt in shame. "You—you left. Like that. You didn't even text me to let me know you were okay. And it. That really Hurt."

My chin rests on their chest. "I'm sorry."

"I figured, we're friends, friends come and go as they please. So I could do the same."

"You could," I nod. Maybe if I squeeze hard enough I can mold them to me. "You...if you wanna go visit her, you can go. That's fine. I'll be here waiting for you."

Toby smiles and I fight, I fight to smile, too. At least I have this, them in my arms. They'll be back. I'll be okay without them. Facing the empty apartment, facing the fireworks for the Fourth that I was looking forward to missing. No, it's fine, I'll be fine.

"Can you stay just...one more day? With me?" I whisper, trying to sit up straighter to be closer to their face.

Toby shifts their weight, nods, and God bless I get another hug.