Dear diary

Chapter twenty

My eyelids flutter open and I can see the brightness of my room. I try to open my eyes but they still need to adjust to the light that shines through my window. I just keep my eyes closed I think to myself and slowly let myself get lost to the darkness I once again woke up to. 

"Naila wake up, you're late for school!". I hear a voice say. It feels like a whisper in my ear, a voice that I can't quite identify just yet.

„Wake up Naila, it's already 7 AM ".

And suddenly the once bright room I tried to adjust my eyes a couple of minutes earlier is now faced with an openly clear window which welcomed the bright sun happily right into my face. An annoyed groan is building up in my throat, that I'm barely able to contain.

"Naila what's wrong? you need to go to school. Wake up!"

The anonymous voice that I couldn't identify a few minutes ago is suddenly clearer than ever. my mother.

How I wish that I would never need to hear that voice again. How couldn't I recognize it earlier? That voice is brand-marked in my brain, deep inside in my memories, my soul. A voice that will follow me for the rest of my life. Maybe I'm dead and this is my punishment in hell for all the sins I have done, or rather all the sins I wanted to do and hid in my thoughts. Yes, that's the only plausible answer as to why I can hear her voice.

"Naila!"

I opened my eyes half open and felt my mother shaking me to wake up.

„I know." I say with a Voice I don't even recognize. Why do I sound so...weird? I feel a rush of air leaving my body and feel the missing blanket that just covered me two seconds ago. The next thing I hear is a loud gasp that leaves my mother's lips.

" Naila! What did you do?! What did you do!?." she says in a hysterical voice.

She sounds shocked and maybe even...scared?

„Let me alone"

but she doesn't stop asking me what I did. What the hell is she talking about? I try to open my eyes fully and try to look at my now cold body that misses the heat of my warm blanket.

But the sight my eyes were met with is red. My once light blue pajamas have now a long, bright stain of a red substance in the middle of my chest. Is that blood? My eyebrows furrowed at the sight my eyes are seeing. Oh shit. With fast movements my upper body did, which left me in a quiet dizzy feeling, I can finally understand the reason for my mother's cries and touchiness.

I tried to kill myself.

The sight of my open-cut wrists looks disgusting. How could I forget? Hold on. You don't say...

„Oh my god! Why did you do it? what did you do?!"

my mother repeats over and over again but I don't listen anymore. Ím lost in my thoughts. I didn't even realize that she called my dad and how he said to her why she was calling him first and not the ambulance. Or that she is now on the phone to call them at the very moment and wraps a towel on both my arms to prevent the bleeding.

It feels like time has stopped. Like every single blood vessel in my body dried out and left my soul in a corpse full of emptiness. I'm still alive. I wanted to kill myself. twice. In one night I tried to kill myself two times and still, I'm fucking alive.

How is that possible?

Why does this world want to keep me in it? Why can't it just let me go? I just wanted to be free, to be able to leave all this pain behind and just let myself fall into the darkness that already screamed to me to come. To let myself go. But of course not. Not once can I do something without it being crumbled down into tiny pieces and not thrown back in my face.