Matter of Desire || Oneus Xion

Love and Lost(4)

Xion's PoV

I fix the cuffs of my jacket before walking into the wide dining room of the restaurant. Grandpa is seated at the head of the table as always. He watches the birds play at the edge of the pond outside. My father and mother sit at the two sides of him and my older brother and his wife are sat respectfully waiting on my father's side. My younger brother and his girlfriend stand up and bow their heads as I come in.

I remember all the times I saw the graceful motion as my grandpa pours himself some tea. "Dongju's here," "Finally," coughs my sister-in-law. "Sorry for being late," I bow to grandpa shooting a glare in Son Dambi's way, he motions for me to take a seat. The fakeness of these family gatherings suffocates me. We all act with artificial mannerism, we greet each other formally and talk about surface-level things. How is your job, how are the kids, what should we add to the menu of the restaurant next... It's not like any of us would get to decide that, grandpa has the last say on everything about the restaurants.

I catch the wolfish look that passes through Dambi's eyes as she turns to talk to me. "So are you dating anyone Dongju, I heard something about the singer Ga..." I cut her before she gets to plant any seeds in my mother's head. She's constantly asking me to find a proper girl to go out with, in any case, it would only bother her to hear rumors. I don't get their obsession with the subject. I'm only 24, why the rush to settle down... "You know I have friends in the sector, people misunderstand. You go out drinking with a bunch of people and the story gets twisted to an unrecognizable degree." I did have a fling with the singer Garam but my family doesn't need to know about that.

But it is to no avail, the seed has been planted "I wish you would find a proper girl to introduce to us..." my mother sighs. My older brother grumbles under his breath "Then you could stop tainting the family name..." "You're one to speak, I'm the one tainting the family name?" that gets him fired up, he raises his voice despite being in front of grandpa "Are you comparing me to yourself, you womanizer rascal, how many women did you go through just this year?" I get ready to dish all the dirt but have to swallow it with Grandpa's ice-cold voice "Silence."

"I'll have my food in peace," just at that moment his butler serves his dish. "Let's speak of good news," my younger brother says. He stands up, holding and raising his girlfriend's hand for us to get a good look at the walnut-sized ring on her finger. "I proposed, we are getting married." Dambi and my mother go to hug the girlfriend, my father pats my brother's back "You're making us proud." I suppress the need to facepalm and opt to roll my eyes. This means trouble for me, now they will get to bring up my singleness a whole lot more as if it's a personality defect.

Grandpa congratulates them and eats in silence. He's clearly in a sour mood, I shouldn't have brought up my brother's illegal dealings, not in front of grandpa in any case. I think he doesn't like the idea of leaving his beloved business in the hands of a potential fraud but what do I know. After dabbing his mouth with an intricately laced handkerchief he announces "I will take a walk in the garden," his butler makes to bring his coat and walking stick but he dismisses the attempt "Dongju, come with me," he points to me.

I help him get into his coat and give him the walking stick. I can feel the glowers I'm getting from a very jealous brother and sister-in-law. There's a crisp cold outside, he wraps his arm around mine. "This time of the year..." he speaks slowly "reminds me of my youth, the way I worked day-in and day-out, carrying ingredients at night and working the kitchen during the day... I had your grandma then, she was more hardworking than me, she would tie your father to her back and run around the restaurant all day long." He laughs out a fluffy laugh. We walk towards the back of the garden where visitors are not allowed, where his chambers lay following the winding rocky trail. It seems strange to me that he keeps living in this place that constantly reminds him of what he loved and lost.

"I see her everywhere here, when I look at the garden, when I look at the trees she planted, when I look at the restaurant we built together brick by brick. I see her black hair flowing behind the drooping willows..." The sorrowful look that comes to his eyes is a contrast to the peaceful smile he wears. How can he forgive her for leaving him so early? Sometimes I wish I loved the way he does, that I loved something or someone... But I find myself disappointed in the pretentiousness of everything over and over again. When you know there's a definite end to it is it even possible to love so authentically? I would never believe it if I didn't see the look on his face.

"What do you care about?" he asks me, eyeing me the way grandpas do. I care that you activate my credit card, is the initial thought that comes to my mind. It would leave a weird taste if I said that with the sentimental way he looks at me. I know what he's asking but I don't have an answer. What drives me? What makes life beautiful? What do I want to do with my life? Who or what is important. I don't have an answer. "I don't know yet..." "I know you get stifled or bored when it's brought up, but love would do you good. I had a family when I was your age, if you keep telling yourself it's not the right time for things you'll only miss the opportunities that come your way. It's never too early or too late. I wish you'd love someone and let them love you..." An idea blooms in my head, I can't help myself "Is the deal still on grandpa?" I ask "If I bring you the woman I love..." "Yes I will activate your credit cards," he sighs, "I'm dating someone," I lie "You can't fool me, young man, if you hire an actress to bring to me I'll be able to tell." I bark out a laugh at that "I will bring you an actress alright grandpa, but she won't be acting."