Would Anyone Care?

Three

I get home and find dad in the kitchen sitting at the table, just staring into space. "Hey kiddo" Hey says as he notices me. "How was the first day back?"
"It was ok, it was school" I say rolling my eyes. He chuckles a little as he gets up going to the fridge, coming back with a bottle of beer he opens it and takes a big long mouthful. Its very unlike him to drink before dinner.
"Where's mum?" I ask
"She is upstairs having a lie down, she isnt feeling great, so I am afraid you've got to put up with my cooking this evening, not unless you fancy doing it?" He gives me a smile and a wink because he knows full well I am going to say yes, cooking is my ultimate passion after all, I have been helping mum cook dinners since I was 8 probably and cooking meals for all of us alone since I was about 10.
"Like you was ever going to cook" rolling my eyes again. He just laughs and ruffles my hair. "I knew I could rely on my girl" he heads off into the living room as I grab a glass of water and make my way up to my room to get changed.

As I get to the top of the stairs mum walks out of her room, "how was school sweetheart?" She looks pale and doesn't seem to be moving too well. "It was ok"
"How's Amy? Bet she was pleased to see you?"
"Yeah she is ok, we didn't speak much today to be honest, different classes" I say as open my bedroom door, watching mum head down the stairs. I close my bedroom door and open my laptop. Immediately opening Spotify I find the playlist titled Lucy and Amy. I sit at my dressing table staring into the mirror, I havent told my folks about my troubles at school, or that Amy stopped talking to me. I dont know why, I know I should. But by not telling them, I get to have at least a little bit of a normal life, even if it is all made up and in my head. As "All about you" plays from my laptop the inevitable tears start to well up, running down my cheeks. The all too familiar emotions overwhelming me, fear, loneliness, hatred. The funny thing is the hatred I have is more for myself, than my tormentors. I hate that I am so weak, I hate that I have flaws that are so visible to others and I hate my life.

As the tears roll down my face I find myself thinking about Skye. She made what would of been a torturous day bearable. The way she just listened when I spoke, the way she took notice of me and made me feel OK to be me. I feel a connection to her and again that feeling, like every tiny hair on my body is buzzing with electric. Once the tears have stopped I get some joggers out my drawer and a t shirt and get changed. Heading downstairs I take a peak into the living room, my parents are cuddled on the sofa, not saying anything both just staring into space. It must of been a big fight this time, I have never seen either of them like this. And I say parents but Paul isn't my biological dad. That twat walked out on my mum and me when I was 2 for another woman. But Paul is my REAL dad. At least as far as I am concerned. He and mum got together when I was four. He has always supported me in every way a real dad should. Any idiot with a half decent sperm count can get a woman pregnant, but it takes a real man to be a dad.

I head into the kitchen and open the fridge looking at what we have for dinner. I decide on carbonara so I grab the spaghetti, bacon, eggs and parmesan and put a pot of water onto boil. Half an hour later the kitchen is filled with the aroma of garlic and bacon and cheese. Dad walks into the kitchen and grabs a beer and starts to lay the table. I am dishing the carbonara into bowls when mum comes and joins dad at the table. We always sit together for dinner, usually dad is telling us about work and asking me about school, which of course I always lie about. Telling them that it is good and making up stories of what I have done with my "friends" but today it is just silence. It feels weird. Eerie and foreboding really. I stare at mum and there is still that sadness in her eyes.

Once dinner is finished I go to get up to clear the plates. "Leave that a moment pudding, we need to have a chat" dad says, grabbing my hand.
I immediately know this is going to be bad, I look at mum and can see the very faintest flicker of tears beginning to build. "What's wrong" I ask. They look at each other for what feels like an eternity, mum gives dad a smile as he squeezes her hand and turns to me.
"The reason dad didn't go to work today, was because he was with me. I had an hospital appointment" she begins to tell me, dread already building in me, my gut starts to do somersaults.
"A couple of weeks ago I found a lump, in my breast"
Right at that moment I feel as though an invisible hand has reached into my chest, grabbed my heart and crushed it with there bare hands. Even though I know what is coming I still ask "a lump?"
"Yes, well actually it is two lumps. So I went to the doctors, and today I had an hospital appointment, they performed a minor procedure to determine what it was, called a biopsy"
"OK, I know what that is, what did it show?"
"Well we won't know for sure until the results come back, but they do think it is cancerous"
I cant hold it back, my eyes fill with tears, almost simultaneously my mums defences crack too. Withing a second she is across the table cradling me in her arms, I'm looking at dad as she holds me, I can tell he is trying to be strong, trying to hold it together for my mums sake, but the solitary tear rolling down his cheek tells me he is feeling it too. The fear that is crippling me right now. How can this be happening? Not to my mum. She doesn't deserve this. My heart is breaking for the second time today. "Are you going to die?" I know it is a stupid almost selfish question but it is out of my mouth before I can even stop it.
"They don't know the severity of it yet sweetheart, not until the results come back, but I promise you I am going to fight this ok" we stay like this for I don't even know how long, my mum holding me in her arms my head on her shoulder. Dad comes over and takes my hand, kisses the back of it and looks me in the eyes.
"We don't want you worrying about this too much pumpkin, I know it is scary and difficult not to, but we have been told nothing yet ok. We will deal with this so a family, and we will beat this as a family" eventually mum says she needs to go have a lie down so I clear the plates and make my way upstairs.

I spend the rest of the night on my bed, staring up at the ceiling. My whole body tense. As the tears run down my cheeks I again start to wonder how I can cope with life if all it is filled with is this pain. Then I think about my mum, how she must be feeling right now and the look I saw in her eyes today, it was fear. And the guilt of my pathetic feelings about my problems crushes down on me. Rolling over I begin to sob uncontrollably until sleep finally takes me.