The 9th | Stray Kids Extra Member AU

❀ 6: The Loneliness ❀

Yejun had been moved back into her old apartment. The place that once brought her the most amount of comfort, now brought her the most amount of distress. It had been three weeks since she had been kicked off of the show. Yejun had been practicing for at least fifteen hours a day, not letting herself go any further. Despite her words, she never could bring herself to contact the boys. She hadn't even talked to Chan since she left. She figured they were busy, and she wasn't going to distract them from having something she never could. 

All of this alone time, though, meant a ton of time to write songs. She had written enough to make an entire album, the sleepless nights paying off when it came to making beats. She thought that maybe she could release some songs on SoundCloud for anyone who wanted to listen or was feeling the same way she was. When she wasn't practicing her dance skills, she was composing lyrics. 

One night, at around four in the morning, Yejun had been writing about her emotions. This always helped her brainstorm lyrics, as it got her mind flowing. As she was writing about her loneliness and her failures, a thought hit her like a truck. 

"What if I'm not meant to be an idol?" Yejun asked out loud, a pit starting to form in her stomach. "What if all of this was for nothing? What if I have to go back to the States and live with my mom again? What'll happen, then?" 

One of Yejun's habits was to talk to herself aloud. Sometimes, when you have no one around you, it's nice to hear some sort of voice. Even if it is your own. 

Yejun's thoughts usually did tend to overwhelm her, but for some reason, that was the one that got to her. What if she was forced to leave her life in Korea behind? What if she never gets to debut as an idol? What if she can't stay in the country she loves? What if she has to live back at her old home?

Her breathing became uneven and her eyes grew teary. Thoughts like this and days without sleep never lead to a good reaction. Her hands trembled and she curled into a ball in her chair. The thoughts continued to flow in her brain and her eyes felt strained from the amount of crying. She silently sobbed into her knees, her body shaking with each cry. She couldn't help but think that this was her lowest point in life. 

In the midst of her breakdown, a knock was heard at the door. Yejun paid no mind to it, hoping that whoever it was would get the hint and leave. After a few minutes, the knocking stopped, and Yejun assumed that she was finally at peace. However, she nearly had a heart attack when she heard her bedroom door open behind her. She jumped out of her chair, turning toward the door, only to see a familiar face.

"Hey, it's okay, it's just me," Jisung stuck his arms out toward her, walking over to her slowly. "I used the spare key you gave to Chan and I for emergencies."

Yejun couldn't respond. The scare only made her panic attack worsen, and her hyperventilating got worse. She tried her best to get herself under control, but couldn't. Jisung noticed her state of distress and picked her up, sitting her on his lap so that she could comfortably hug him. Her arms weakly wrapped around his waist and Jisung looked at her in the eyes, knowing the contact always seemed to calm her down. 

"I, am, so, sorry," Yejun cried out between rapid breaths. 

"Hey, hey, don't try and speak, focus on your breathing," Jisung stroked her cheeks with his thumb, wiping the tears off of her face. 

As Yejun was getting her breathing under control, Jisung examined the girl's face. He noticed how her face looked sunken in and how the dark circles under her eyes deepened. Her lips had been cracked and chapped. It was clear that she had been picking at the skin on them. Jisung was leaned up against Yejun's bed and his knees were both up. It looked like he was holding a sad puppy. 

"Are you okay?" Jisung asked, noticing how her breathing had returned to being almost normal. Yejun nodded, sniffling before leaning into Jisung completely, her grip on his waist becoming stronger. Jisung hugged her back, stroking her back. 

"I missed you," Yejun's voice was hoarse and raspy. Jisung felt his shoulder begin to dampen and also started to tear up himself. 

"I missed you, too," Jisung responded, his voice muffled by her shoulder. It was silent between them for a few minutes, but it was comfortable. Jisung understood that she needed a minute to get herself back together. "Do you want anything? Water, maybe?"

Yejun shook her head, gripping onto him tighter. "I just want to stay like this." 

"You need something to drink, Yejun," Jisung lifted his head from her shoulder, pulling away from the embrace. 

Yejun let out a faint sigh, crawling off of his lap and letting him get up, getting up herself as well. The two of them walked into the kitchen, Yejun carefully lifting herself onto the island top as Jisung grabbed a mug out of the cupboard. 

"Why did you come over?" Yejun couldn't help but ask. Jisung froze up a little, turning his head back towards her a little bit. 

"It's been weeks since anyone's seen you. We were worried," Jisung said, pulling the kettle out from under the faucet and putting it on the stove. He had decided on making tea for the two of them, since he assumed that Yejun's throat had to hurt. 

"Oh," Yejun hung her head low, "I'm sorry." 

"It's okay, don't apologize," Jisung walked up to her, having to look up at her slightly since she was on the island. 

"No, let me apologize. I let you down. I let all of you down," Yejun began to tear up again, letting out a humorless laugh as she wiped her face. "And now I'm crying about it. I'm ridiculous."

Jisung's bottom lip stuck out a bit as he watched his best friend cry. "You're not ridiculous for crying, and you didn't let anyone down."

"But-"

"Nope, I'm telling you now, everyone is so proud of you for what you've achieved. Even Hyunjin," Jisung smiled, tucking the long strands of hair behind her hair. Yejun let out a small laugh at that. "How long has it been since you've eaten?" 

Yejun's smile dropped. She avoided contact while trying to think of a reasonable time. "This morning?"

"Bullshit, let's go out for food tomorrow, yeah?" Jisung's eyes looked back into her own, and she hesitantly nodded. Suddenly, the tea kettle whistled, causing the two to jump, then laughing at each other's reaction. "But first, tea and a sleepover."