Killer Queen

7.

"We have never even kissed."

"Yeah, but you guys were making little sick moon-dog eyes at each other all through puberty and breakfasts and all that. The same dog eyes, we've been watching Diego and Katy exchange all day."

"Not true." Kate rolls her eyes and throws a magazine at him which he easily dodges because she was almost certain that they didn't make little sick moon-dog eyes at each other.

Vanya seemed more confused than ever with this conversation and raised an eyebrow. "Aren't we all brothers and sisters?"

"Well, technically-"

"Technically if you have to use the word technically, you're already in trouble." Klaus laughs to himself, knowing that their family was more complicated than people realised and this information would probably scare Vanya to death.

"Okay, can we...can we focus? I mean clearly we're not saving the world tonight but maybe, maybe we could at least try to save my marriage?"

"No!" He jumped up and down, pointing at Allison because he wanted to make something clear. The Umbrella Academy were doomed from the start and no relationship would ever work out. "No, because that's like asking a nun how to hump someone's leg. I mean, who in this room knows shit about relationships? This one? In secret love with same farm Frau."

"Her name's Sissy." Vanya corrected him.

"Which is an improvement on her previous love interest, the serial killer." Klaus mumbled under his breath, smirking because he could bet that no one had told her about her ex-boyfriend.

Vanya's eyes widened in fear when she heard what he said and almost didn't believe that she had heard him correctly. "What?"

"Not important." Kate tried to diffuse the tension as she could tell that this whole conversation was freaking Vanya out and honestly, if she had just been thrown into this family then she would have been confused as well. Vanya was taking this much better than she would, not only learning that your entire family are mixed together but you all have superpowers and have been thrown through a time travel portal which dropped you in the sixties when you're actually from 2019.

"Meanwhile, I'm carrying a torch for a soldier, I haven't technically met yet and Luther is in love with his sister."

"Okay, again, we are not biological." Allison reminded them, wanting to make that extremely clear.

Vanya was trying to keep up with all the relationships that were happening but was struggling and trying to remember everyone's names was hard enough. There was something that stuck in her mind, the way that Diego and Kate had been back at the safehouse – surely their relationship was working out. "What about Katy and Diego, they seem pretty strong?"

"That's because you've seen us on one of our good days." Kate explained, sipping on her drink.

"Which is code for they had sex!" Klaus clapped his hands excitedly, glad that things were going well for them because he shipped them together and was glad that Diego had found someone that was happy to put up with him. "So, what ruined your relationship this time, another murdered sister that my brother tried to get revenge for?"

"No, this time he escaped from a mental institution with an annoying British girl who had some kind of obsession with him. She basically wanted me dead and Diego was none the wiser."

"Another day in the Hargreeves family." He sighed. "Face it, the healthiest long-term relationship in this family was when Five was banging that mannequin."

"Again, not important." Kate said to Vanya, who looked confused again.

"The only thing the Umbrella Academy knows about love is how to screw it up." Klaus raises his glass in the air towards the girls. "Cheers!" Allison and Kate raise their glasses and giggle but Vanya seems more serious than the others. "How do you guys deal with this?"