To Keep Going On

74

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He did not know how long he cried till his tears dried out. He hurried to the fridge and pulled out a bottle of beer. He seldom drank. But he kept a bottle and two secured away.

Just in case.

And tonight seemed right to make use of it.

"Is that how you plan to take care of a drunkard, Dr. Beam? By getting drunk yourself?"

He turned with a gasp, only to relax finding Alex leaned against the window, staring at him. He huffed and turned away, going back to his precious drink. "So much for housing at the most secured gated community and having the best of the best personal security!"

"Not even troops could stop me" Alex shrugged and Beam scoffed.

"Show off!"

Alex let out a dry chuckle and walked up to Beam, taking the bottle from his hand and sipping on it. "I don't think you should be drinking tonight"

Beam scoffed again. "Why? Afraid I can't handle myself and let my ex jump me again like we did years ago?" he sneered while Alex just gave him a blank look. "What the hell is with everyone around me so happy to butt in my business and run my life?"

Alex sighed and put the beer away from Beam's reach who pouted. "And that's what's making you this brash? People caring for you?" he looked Beam in the eye and Beam felt as if he could reach his soul.

"Huh" Beam looked away from him with a huff. "I'm good without that care!"

"Isn't it thanks to this care that you are here, safe? Your children are safe and alive" Alex pointed out and Beam shut his mouth. He reached for the beer again, only for Alex to push it further away and make Beam pout.

Alex sighed. "The more people push you for something, the more you'd push back and act out? What good would that do to you?" He asked and Beam scoffed.

"I'm not a kid to act out!" He complained.

"Exactly" Alex said softly.

"And how's it anyone's business how I run my life and what I do?" Beam asked.

Alex leaned against the isle to eye Beam, his eyes soft. "Maybe, that is the issue. You have been abandoned, or judged, or mistreated so many times, you had been careful and responsible and on your own for so long"

Beam sighed and went to settle beside the man. "I feel suffocated. At times... being back here... with the people I love so much... The people who have all hurt me so much yet..." he sighed.

"You can't hate them" Alex said and Beam let out a frustrated huff.

"I can not. And I feel it in my heart how much they all love me too... how their pain hurts me too..." Beam let out yet another sigh. "I don't... being with Pha and Kit again... their care, their love... seeing it all again, feeling it all again... feelings that I once used to miss so much but I can never forget how that care and love could easily be taken away. Seeing the way Lam worries for me like... like I always wished he'd do when we were kids.... but he won't even look at me back then let alone acknowledge me as his brother... but now it seems as if I am all he can think and care of... it suffocates me. It makes me want to pull my hair out or kill him when he does not shut the fuck up!" he huffed.

And then there's the dad of the century and... and..."

"Forth" Alex said it for him and he sighed.

"Forth..." He whispered the name that came out soft on his tongue. "Forth..." He chuckled dryly.

Alex sighed. "And after years of not having anyone to care for you, living by yourself and taking care of the kids as well as bear all your pain, the pain they all gave you... bury it all inside and keep going on and then to come here... relive it all yet easily forgive people, give them second chances because you love them too much, it must feel like living hell, seeing everyone trying their best to make up for his mistakes, to see them making effort to not let you get hurt again, to let you know they love you, to beg and beg for forgiveness and see them not forgiving themselves even when you have, must be tough on you"