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"Now where was I again?" The officiant continued to flip through the pages of his script, having lost his place again for the 4th time in 20 minutes. "Did you lose your fucking place again?" Connor said, annoyed. "This is my fifth wedding, be patient." "It's 80 fucking degrees out here!" "Okay well be patient with me and quit your bitching, I'm getting there."
As the ceremony continued, the officiant lost his place again 10 minutes later. "Again?" Heather M said. "Hold on, okay I'm back." He started reading, and then stopped. "This reminds me of my divorce. My ex wife Patty and I would fight a lot. Over the kids, over the laundry, over the dishes, over the chores, over the dog-" "Are you done yet?" "Stop your whining and let me finish Connor." He continued his story.
"And I remember that day, December 12, 1989, 6:35 pm. I was eating my dinner, chicken parmesan, 2 pounds chicken, 1/2 cup flour, 3 large eggs, 2-3 cups of breadcrumbs, kosher salt, black pepper, 5 cups tomato sauce, 1 cup parmesan, 1/2 pound fresh mozzarella. Heat oven to 400 degrees. Place cutlets between two pieces of parchment. Using a rolling pin, pound meat to even 1/4-inch-thick slices. Place flour, eggs and breadcrumbs into three wide, shallow bowls. Season meat generously with salt and pepper. Dip a piece in flour, then eggs, then coat with breadcrumbs. Repeat until all the meat is coated." "You're seriously reading a fucking chicken parmesan recipe right now?" "Don't interrupt me!"
"Fill a large skillet with 1/2-inch olive oil. Place over medium-high heat. When oil is hot, fry cutlets in batches, turning halfway through, until golden brown. Transfer to a paper towel-lined plate. Spoon a thin layer of sauce over the bottom of a 9-by-13-inch baking pan. Sprinkle one-third of the Parmesan over sauce. Place half of the cutlets over the Parmesan and top with half the mozzarella pieces. Top with half the remaining sauce, sprinkle with another third of the Parmesan, and repeat layering, ending with a final layer of sauce and Parmesan. Transfer pan to oven and bake until cheese is golden and casserole is bubbling, about 40 minutes. Let cool a few minutes before serving." "What the fuck was that about?"
"She handed me the divorce papers, already filled out. She said 'Jim, I want a divorce.'" "Not surprising." Connor said, everyone chuckled. "Asshole. So anyway...." The very detailed story about Jim's divorce dragged on, 30 minutes later, it started to pour. "We should probably move to the reception hall." "No, not right now." "You have the keys, why can't we?" "It's not gonna take long to finish the ceremony." "Are you fucking sure about that? You just spent 30 minutes telling your divorce story." "I don't know what the vows are, make something up. Heather, you first." "Um, you're my best friend..... and I...." She trailed off. "Okay Connor, your turn." "Um, you look pretty. I... like your eyes. Okay this wasn't a good idea."
"Do you, Heather McNamara, take Connor Murphy to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "I do." "Do you, Connor Murphy, take Heather McNamara to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "I do." "Well I guess you're married now. So are you supposed to- why are you kissing?" "That's what you do at the end of a ceremony." Heather M said. "So do you have the keys to the reception hall?" "The what now?" "You're joking right? You own the place!" "Let me get them, they're in my truck. Everyone go wait by the reception hall." After 5 minutes, he still hadn't returned.
"So do you guys wanna know the name I had picked out for August if he was gonna be a girl?" Alana said to Evan, and Zoe, now 9 months pregnant. "Sure." "So it was Samantha because uh..... um... okay well I forgot the meaning now but it had one!" "Well that's nice Alana."
It had been 10 minutes, and Jim still hadn't returned with the keys. "What's taking him so long?" Heather D complained. "I'll go see what he's doing." Heather C said. After about 5 minutes, she returned. "That dumbass was sitting in his truck smoking cigarettes! Now he said he can't find them and started pretending to look."
Another 10 minutes passed and he finally returned with the keys. "What took so long?" Heather C said as he was unlocking the venue. He didn't give her an answer. "Whatever, I'm getting a drink." After all the dances had finished up, everyone began getting drunk. Dinner had finished up and the DJ played Cotton Eye Joe for the 2nd time.
JD was standing outside the door, when Topher walked up. "Your name?" Topher looked around. "Uh.. Tree..." He looked around again. "Window." "Okay well go ahead in then." Meanwhile, Cynthia was being duct taped to her chair. She got so drunk she kept falling out of it and Larry was tired of picking her back up.
Topher walked over to Heather C. "Boioioing. That's the sound of my erection." Heather stood up and drunkenly bitch slapped him. He continued, hitting on several guests.
He approached Heather D at the bar as she was getting another drink. "What's your name?" "Heather." "There's no D in that, want me to help?" She slapped him as hard as she could. "Hey ladies." He said to a group of women heading back to their tables. They completely ignored him.
He sat down next to Alana. "You still got my number?" "You mean when you were texting me and Zoe's wedding?" "You were into it." "I wasn't." "You seem to be able to keep a secret." "I didn't tell her because I didn't know how to bring it up. Now can you leave me alone?" He looked at Martha. "Hey marshmallow girl-" "What the fuck?" After flirting with several other women he finally approached Zoe, who was chatting with Veronica at her table. He turned to Cathy. "Wanna-" "No!"
Veronica took a sip of her drink. "I've got something better for you to swallow." "The fuck did you just say to her?" JD said, approaching the table. "If you want me back Topher, the answer is no." Zoe said. "Don't you want your kid to have a real father?" "He already has one." "That square?" He pointed to Evan. "Wait so you're not Tree Window?" JD said. Everyone looked at him like he was an idiot.
"Well as I was saying I have something better for you to-" JD punched him, and Connor joined in. Jared and Evan began punching him as well. "Oh shit!" The DJ shouted, running over to the videographer. "Please tell me you're getting all this!" "I am."
As everyone was standing around watching the fight, Zoe went into labor. "Um... Evan...." Evan didn't notice her. "Evan.." The cops showed up. "Evan!" "Zoe what's wrong?" "Well I'm in labor so we should probably get going." "Oh fuck!"
The cops had Jared, Connor, and JD in handcuffs. "Do you guys know Philip?" "Jared said to the cops. "Who the hell is Philip." "Philip on deez nuts." "Can you explain why this keeps happening?" The cop said as he was handcuffing Connor. "Can you explain this?" Connor punched him. Jim came in with the keys. "Okay everyone get out! Reception's over!"
