LOVE IS NOT OVER YET JIKOOK

Chapter 18: holding me back

Throughout the car ride, I held him close to me. He was burning, I could feel the heat radiating off his body. What have you done, Jimin? Are you out trying to kill yourself? I wanted to scold him and hit him for this stupid stunt he pulled. I don't know what to freaking do with you, Park Jimin.

We arrived at my home, I slung his arm over my shoulder and I held his waist trying to maneuver towards my room. I didn't know what to do, nor didn't know where to bring him so my safest call was here. As much as I hated Jimin and what he had done to me, I couldn't let him die in the rain. That was throwing away what made me human and that would make me worse than a monster.

I laid him down on the bed, god, I can't believe he's here in my room. My hands roamed to his clothes, my fingers shaking violently which I assumed was from the cold but hell, I was nervous, I fiddled with the buttons before finally successfully popping one. I opened the rest, revealing his marvelous and glorious body that had been chiseled to perfection – he wasn't the lean and skinny Jimin that I have – no, had – he wasn't mine. He was Yoongi's. And maybe he was never really mine.

He had changed so much and that's where we went wrong, I've continued to remain the same throughout what we had, and then he was changing, the worst of all was how his heart changed. How it didn't beat for me anymore.

God, why did you have to come back and ruin me again?

I was okay, I was okay without you – me and our son, I kept asking why but I think I'm too scared of the answer. I don't want to be alone again, Jimin. I'm scared that you'll take him away from me and both of you will raise him.

I wiped the tears threatening to fall, ha, I said I never cry in front of you but here I am crying beside you. I planned to unbutton yours pants to free you from the tightness hugging your legs but you swatted my hands away. I was shocked, did he saw me crying?

"No, don't touch me," Jimin said, sluggishly, his eyes were still close but he stood upright.

"You're all wet and cold, you need to change into something,"

"No!" He replied so adamantly, even covering his crotch with both of his hands, "I have someone I love already, so please leave,"

That hurt. "Fine! Then, change yourself! I'm leaving!" I threw him my clothes I was supposed to lend him. I felt like if I was supposed to stay, I might have slapped him hard enough that he would wake up fully.

He slumped back onto the bed, then, he rambled again. "J-Jungkook...I'm sorry," Jimin mumbled, while still sleeping, "he touched me, but nothing happened." I halted on my tracks, god, did I heard it right? I closed the remaining tracks and went outside of my room. I rested my back against the door I shut, dammit.

My throat constricted, heart thumping irregularly and blood pumped in my ears; I felt sick all of a sudden but who am I lying to? I hated myself for this, I wasn't supposed to be like this but shit, I don't know anymore! I ran to grab a glass of water, my hands fumbling to hold the glass before I gulped everything.

The water ran down my throat, giving the sort of relief it craved and begged but I know it wasn't enough. Every single sense I had are knocking down on me but I kept the door locked - shunning away everything I've actually felt. I guess that's what pain does to people.

I wanted to scream 'til my voice gives up on me, this was so frustrating and unfair. I didn't have anyone other than him. I couldn't even bear to look at the way I used to look at him because I was scared. I was a coward. I'm scared that if I take the risk, I might be slapped with a betrayal that could leave me beyond repair. And, I was a coward for love. But most of all, I couldn't look at any man without seeing and thinking about him, little did I know, he had not only branded my heart but my soul.

But how dare him! How dare he cheat on me, and to think that they spent the years I was alone with the two of them together. Then, like a stupid song you kept replaying on your music player, the memory of his voice rang in my ears and the look on his face tugged my heart.

I sat beside on my bed where he laid down, this time in the clothes that I threw him. I looked at his face - he's so freaking handsome, he made me feel insecure about me but when Jimin told me I was the most beautiful person he'd met, I know I was not but rather the luckiest because I have him and he's the most beautiful person I met.

My hands itched, my fingers twitched, and suddenly they were sliding down on the smooth and delicate skin of his face.

"Just pick me, again, please."

I know the answer just like how the only thing I know was your name, Jimin. But you can't be. I can't.

Yes, fuck, I want you. I love you. But we can't be.  Everything was so complicated for us and honestly, I can't bring myself to trust you again and I wish these feelings to be damned, to be irrelevant because this isn't right. I'm stupid, right? Because how can I fucking fall for the same person who'd made me taste the bitterest betrayal? But damn, I think, you were always here, Jimin. Here in my beating broken heart. It's just that, I never wanted to acknowledge it was still you; because you've changed.

You don't know how happy I was to see you treating our son, as much as I didn't want you part of our lives, seeing you together with Jikook made me so damn proud, so damn happy. You both looked so much alike, it hurts to see you together. It felt like you were always a part of us, a part of our son.

There's also that fear, that one day, you were take him away from me and that you and Yoongi would raise our child, I don't know but you're capable of taking him away from me, you have everything now. In your world, I'm nothing but a measly ant straying in order to survive. You could seize me the moment you deem it was enough of me in your world.

Our situation – the circumstances and even the small instances, they were tortuous that it left me perplexed and confused, it makes my head ache and most of the time, it makes my heart break. But for this moment I'm wishing for my mind to be blank, throwing all my inhibitions moving past crazy and turning into nothing left.

I lied there on the bed, the both of us now together. I held onto you, at least in this stolen moment of you & I; I was able to feel you again. I didn't know but seeing you begging for me, brought me back to our love.

Because, it was so us, you were actually the one who brought foundation to the relationship that we had. I was nothing but an insecure and unloved boy, but you changed all of that. You begged for me to tell you what's wrong, you begged for me to tell you what happened and you held me when I cried.

I'm crying now but this time I'm the one holding onto you. I closed my eyes, suddenly like a memorized poem, like a navigated ship and like marks carved onto a stone, I know it in my instincts, I know it my heart and I know it in my soul.

I kissed you.

How I missed this, how I missed us, but I know full well that things aren't going to be the same for us or things might not even be for us anymore. But at least, just in this brief stolen moment, I could have you like before.

A tear fell from my eyes but I hope you don't wake up,

because, tomorrow all of this would be gone, like nothing happened.