Destined 2 Love ( Sequel )

G O N E W I T H T H E W I N D

Although Kross found it intricate to enjoy this time with his parents, he still put on his best face, making small talk with his mom and dad as time went on. He knew the weight of the news would soon hit him like a-ton-of-bricks— however, his mind was altered to positive thoughts as he sat at the table grubbing on salmon and rice.

- - -

"Thank you for seeing me so soon." I claimed my usual seat on the leather sofa in Carina's IKEA-like office. As I spent more time in her space; I'd realized how much the office suited her warm and naturally calm personality. She issued me a friendly smile as she reached for her notepad and pen. "So, what's going on with you, Destiny?" Dr. Carina made direct eye contact. I cleared my throat, "Well, since we spoke over the phone on thanksgiving something did happen... with my mother." I began going into detail about our encounter that night.

"She showed up at the house while we were having dinner... thanksgiving dinner! My husband had answered the door and asked her to leave; being our history. That's when I heard the chatter and decided to go see what was taking him so long." I paused, feeling a load of air fill my chest. Dr. Carina solemnly listened to me as I gathered my emotions and continued. "W-When I saw her standing there— I won't lie, my heart shattered. She'd gone back to her old ways despite my struggle to see her through treatment and recovery." At this point not only was my voice hoarse, but my eyes were now filling with tears.

I furiously swatted away the tears that had managed to escape. Trina was not deserving of my tears anymore. I had to emotionally turn off whatever it was that I once felt for her— for my own sanity and good. Dr. Carina leaned in forward, handing me a few pieces of tissues to recollect myself. I readjusted my posture on the leather sofa, looking over at the Indian blanket that was draped over the arm of the chair as normal.

"Then what happened?" Carina asked. "I remember what you said on the phone; I can invariably remove myself from situations and people that aren't contributing positivity to my mental health." I summarized our phone conversation that evening. Carina slipped me a warm smile— as if she were proud that I had once again used the helpful tools of communication to maneuver through another crisis. "After remembering that, I kindly asked her to get off our property." I finished, my shoulders going up then down followed by a soft sigh.

"How did this make you feel, having to dismiss your mother like that?" Dr. Carina had began taking notes down in her notepad. I released a tiresome yarn. My  eyebrows knitted together while contemplating my response. "I, I don't know. It seemed like she was in distress, but that lady is the biggest manipulator and deceiver I know." I rolled my eyes, thinking back at all of Trina's failed attempted to be a mother.

"I'm going to stop you there." Carina sighed, "You're making this about your mother. Yes, she's the cause of some of your trauma and we are  here to tackle that— however, you keep expressing how she might feel towards your reactions." My left leg bounded up and down while I gave her my full focus.

"You don't have to victimize your mother. You're only responsible for you... your healing." Dr. Carina might've ripped off a bandage that concealed a deepened wound. It was true; I had a habit of always considering Trina's emotions regardless of what she did or how it made me feel. I felt this way when putting her in a rehab facility, addressing her about my 'daddy' issues, the list goes on.

I always found someway to sympathize her feelings whenever we had a bad exchange of words and I couldn't identify why. "Destiny," Carina paused to exhale, "I think you feel culpable when it comes to situations involving your mother. This is called free-floating or toxic guilt." She went on to say. My eyebrows furrowed in confusion because I'd never heard the term prior to this.

"I don't even know what that is." I looked at her puzzled, waiting for her to elaborate. "Well, it's a form of guilt that could come from a sense of not being a good person, feeling like a failure or that you let other people down." Dr. Carina was verbally educating me. It made perfect sense now, as I thought about the countless times I had attempted but failed to fix my mother. "H-How do I stop it... the feeling guilty?" My eyes scanned her face while awaiting answers.

"That part is entirely up to you." Her eyes never seemed to leave my face from the minute I took a seat in the leather sofa. "Legitimate guilt can become toxic if you do not forgive yourself in recovery." Carina explained, "To counteract toxic guilt, we must use positive reinforcement. We must counter the free-floating feelings of guilt with an awareness of the truth that we are not to blame for our childhood, and we do not have to be burdened with guilt for the rest of our lives for the things that transpired before recovery."

The timer buzzed, notifying us of our time together coming to an end. I took my therapists words into consideration; as I always did. Dr. Carina supplied me with the tools and knowledge— it was entirely up to me to enforce them into my everyday life or when necessary.

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