Starboy

Chapter 67: Good For Nothing

Benji

Lately, I have been having those moments where you completely zone out, and all of the sounds around you are just background noise. I can hear what they're saying but I can't really comprehend it either.

I am lost in my own thoughts.

How couldn't I be? Deciding whether or not I want to talk to my dad is killing me. I don't want to see his face, hear his voice or let him think I want to visit him. I want him to see me. I want him to hear my voice. For the first time, I want him to listen.

I've been shouted at, disowned, and degraded by him my whole life. I just want to show him one last time that I'm not the kid he thinks I am. There has been real, true and good growth in my life recently and I want him to see it — because deep down, maybe I do care what he thinks.

"Heading off the work?" Brandy asks me as I finally start to snap back to reality. Like I said, I am lost in my own thoughts.

"What?" I can barely remember what she said.

She chuckles. "I said, are you heading off to work? Don't you start at noon today?"

"Oh." Damn it, work. I am not in the mood to go to work today. "I'm gonna head out soon."

She walks up closer to me and wraps her arms around my shoulders. "You seem... I don't know. Is everything okay?"

I nod. "There's just a lot going on."

"You mean with your dad?"

"With everything."

She sits down. "Everything is a lot. Can you be more specific?"

"You sound like a therapist," I laugh. "No, everything is fine. I'm just kind of overwhelmed with school, work and on top of that — my dad's situation."

"I'm sorry you're going through all of that." She sighs.

"I just feel a lot of pressure," I tell her. "From having to pay all of these goddamn bills, going to work and doing well in school. It's like I can't come up for air."

With a little smile on her face, she stands up and sits on my lap. "Can I do anything to take the pressure off?" Her fingers run through my hair and down my neck. "Hmm? Anything?"

I smile back at her. "Don't tempt me. If I'm late for work, my manager will kill me."

"What's wrong with late? I love late," she whispers as she starts kissing my neck.

Sometimes I forget I don't have Andrew, my parent's driver, to take my places anymore. I've been doing a lot of walking and taking transit these days, which is a totally new experience for me. You can never not be entertained on a New York subway — there is always something for your eyes to behold.

I walk in front of Rainbow Lens, my eyes glued to the big logo on the front of the store. I stand there for a solid three minutes, just thinking. My eyes finally look down at the floor and then to the side, back at the subway. My feet begin to move away from the store and I don't look back, because if I do then I might change my mind.

I pull out my cellphone and text Hellen as I'm walking down the stairs that will take me to the subway.

Can't come into work today. Cover for me please?

Metropolitan Correctional Center. I've never visited a prison before. I don't really know what to expect. A part of me is eager to see what Dad looks like in orange — a colour he refuses to wear.

I check into the front desk, fill out a form and take a visitor's tag.

"Next time, kid, you need to book this kind of thing in advance," the man at the front desk scowls at me. "But your Steven's son, and I know him well. It's fucked up what's happening to him, isn't it?"