26/01
So, since I last managed to update-I'm not entirely sure when that was- I've been thinking a lot. About what I hear you say? Well my impatient reader, I'm obviously about to tell you, otherwise I wouldn't have brought it up. I've been thinking about what to do with myself.
In general, I don't think anyone knows how i feel about this whole megan thing, so here goes. I feel confused because really I'm angry but in quite a calm way. At first I wanted to rip her head off but now I'm angry and upset but, I think that truth be told I just want her to be happy. I guess I'm also kind of relieved that she found someone because (a) that means she's happy and (b) when we went out it was a LOT of stress. But I don't want to let anyone know that straight off, they'd just think that I was a bitch. So, I pretend I'm fine. No one can be upset that you're upset if you're 'not upset', right? But I guess I do this for selfish reasons, I want someone to look hard enough and see I'm happy. The main reason that I'm sad is because I've lost this person. Yes all of my friends are amazing, but I loved megan in a way I couldn't love them. The sad thing is that I think I still do. Oh I'm going to hate myself if she reads this. When I spoke to her after school she said 'I'm just not the one for you' but y'know what, I think she's wrong. I think I wasn't the one for her, because through it all I still love her. FUUUUCK.
29/01
Okay so I'm not actually reading what I last wrote because if I was emotional or whatever ill edit it so I don't sound like a freak haha. So anyways today has been shit. Like everyday really. Oh well :/ everything has just been pissing me off recently and to tell you-whomsoever you may be- the truth I'm not sure why. I guess my life's okay at the moment, so I don't really have the right to be angry with everything. Ugh today I was just ready to rip someone's head off though, it was terrible. Especially teachers. They weren't even overly annoying, I just didn't like them today. After school, things got better because I hung out with Chloe and Imogen at trampolining which was good. But then I got picked up and my dads in a foul mood and he has to work until like freaking eight at night because no one actually gives a fuck about me, they only care about work. sksvsoshshaisdhhev. That was a pissed off, agitated thing. I didn't just turn spastic.
30/01
I genuinely don't think she cares. My mum that is. Whenever I talk about ME she just changes the subject. I don't think I'm okay, there's something wrong with me and I don't know what it is but she's my mum and she's meant to care. She always talks about my brothers though and tells me about them and what they've achieved even though it's clear that I want to talk. Nobody cares. At least, that's what it feels like. Some of my friends ask me what's wrong but a majority of them only want me to ask them, they don't actually care if I'm okay or not. It's annoying because I'm always there for everyone, whether I like them or not, but it feels like no one is here for me when I need them the most. My mum stayed at work until half eight tonight and my dad stayed out until ten because he had to go and see clients, I know it's their work but I feel like I can't talk to them anymore because -as I previously mentioned- they'll change subject, be too busy or just won't be around because of their fucking work. That's their excuse for everything. Ugh, I'm sorry to anyone that's made it this far in actually reading this entry thing because it's just turned into me just venting how I feel. If it's any consolation, it's helped me to be happier a little
A little while later
I'm fed up with everyone, I just want to curl up into a ball and stay there. I would say I want to die but I'd miss everything, I'm shit scared of death. What happens? I'd love pto believe that you go to heaven and have a happy afterlife but I just can't. It's just a world full of nothingness. Everyone you knew when you were alive will eventually die and you'll just be forgotten. All of the good times, the bad times and the downright embarrassing times will be gone just like you. No thank you very much. But I dont want to be here. I need a change of scenery and people, I really need people who care about me and make me happy. Yeah I have a few at the moment but it'd just be nice to have some more. I'm greedy, I know so shush.
I'm fed up with people, they're all just selfish. They put themselves first, which isn't always bad but it's be nice to see them change that once in a while. I'm always the one doing all of the work with some people and it's like, for fucks sake can't you see that I'm upset? Obviously I'm going to say that I'm not because I care about you and I don't want you to worry but really I just want someone to cent to and have someone there that will force me- in a nice and caring not a pushy way- to tell them what's wrong or at least make sure I know that I can speak to them if I need to.
Fuck.
That's all I can be bothered to write.
