Love You Endlessly

After Effects

NATASHA'S POV

"No...no please give her back to me" Steve cries in his sleep next to me, moving around on the mattress in despair.

I'm wide awake. I always wake up when he has those nightmares, because he always talks loud in his sleep.
And it's been like this. Especially this fourth month after our return.
It's uncomfortable to listen to one you love crying over your death.

I should stay and comfort him, but his nightmares makes my nightmares worse, so most nights I sneak back to my own room, sleeping handcuffed to the bed because it's a stupid coping mechanism.

Falling from that cliff plays in my mind on a loop, and I can't get it to stop.
I have nightmares about it, I get scared on the weirdest occasions, everything just seems so...out of place, I mean...I should be dead and impossible to revive if the universe had been how I've known it most of my life.

I can't even talk to Steve about it.
He refuses to let me talk about me dying.
And if I did tell him...then he'd be telling me about his nightmares, and I just think it's better to leave our after effects unspoken for however long it's possible.

I can see what he means about not wanting me to bring up my death, because just hearing pieces of him begging for my life breaks my heart.
Am I even worth all that pain?

I stand up with a jerk as another prayer for my life rolls off his tongue, perfectly clear despite his sleeping state.

I kiss his lips softly and run my fingers through his hair.
"I'm alive Steve, and I'm okay, it's just a bad dream" I whisper, pecking his lips again, before I almost run out of the room.
I can't listen to him screaming my name in pain again.

"Why are you up already?" Yelena asks me from the door to the kitchen, and half-asleep, my head flies up.
She approaches me, rubbing her eyes and taking the coffee pot with a big yawn.
"Couldn't sleep...you?"
"Nightmares" she mutters, pouring her coffee into a genius-playboy-billionaire-philanthropist mug that Bruce gave Tony.
"Huh...what about?" I ask, already knowing the answer.
"You know what they're about" she scratches her head, and sits down by the counter.
"I do. So...what part of it?"
"You know...being injected with that mind control drug" she frowns.
"Yeah...good thing we got that out of the world" I say, thinking about how it was an entire year and a half later that we brought down the Red Room the first time.

"Nat? Oh my god!" Steve exclaims from the door, showing up in his sweatpants, no shirt and messy hair.
He takes four giant steps towards me and wraps his arms around me with a relieved sigh, not even noticing Yelena.
"Erh...Rogers?" I say, acting confused.
He looks up at Yelena.
"Oh..." He murmurs, and leaves the room in a such pace that he looks like he's peeing his pants.

"What's wrong with Captain America?" Yelena asks with a laugh.
"I...don-..I need to see if he's okay" I say fast and follow him.

When I finally find him he's in the gym, punching a dummy.
It's already on the floor, punched flat and honestly doesn't look very effective anymore.
"Steve...what's wrong?" I ask carefully, with a long pause between his name and my question.
"Nothing. Nothing is wrong" he pants and keeps punching the dummy until he's punching the floor.
I just look at him.

"I know about your nightmares" I finally say, and he stops punching the dummy, and looks at his blood stained knuckles before he looks at me.
"Wha..-what...what nightmares? I don't have...nightmares" He stammers.
"You suck at lying" I shake my head and walks towards him.

"I could've lost you forever Nat, and that isn't something you forget about. I love you more than words can express, and I know that it wasn't me who fell from the cliff, or me who's had a traumatic past. That's why I didn't want to tell you...it's irrelevant" he says as soon as he's realized that I really don't believe him. He's out of himself.
"Irrelevant? I don't think it's irrelevant. Nightmares that makes you scream and squirm like you do aren't irrelevant" I say, ignoring him bringing up my past. I haven't told him as much as he deserves to know, and for that I hate myself.
"I'm just so scared...what if he takes you away from me?" He asks frightened.
"Not until 2023" I shrug.
"Nat, that's not funny" he frowns.

"It's just the after effects, Steve" I say, stroking his cheek gently.
He kisses my wrist, closing his eyes as to feel my pulse.
"But My Love...I know when I'll lose you, so I don't think it's ever going away"
He looks at me with a painful look on his face.

———————————————

STEVE'S POV

She's so perfect. How is that possible? To be that perfect?

"We'll have to make the best of what we have, because we don't have any longer" she says sensibly.
"Make the best of it...does that mean you'll marry me?" I ask with a sly smile.
She agreed to it what technically is about two years ago if we won the war, and we did, but a lot has changed since. A whole lot.
"Yeah...yeah, I think I will Steve. I mean...chances that we can be happy are even better in this life" she says with a smile after a while.

"Then I'll have to propose to you!" I suddenly remember, patting both pockets of my sweatpants. I bring the ring I bought those two years ago everywhere, but I can't find it now.
"Steve, not here anyways" she laughs when she's realized what my frantic search is about.
"Then...then when? And where? I have to cook you dinner, and I have to bring, you know...those rose petals...that-that you use, and-and...god, Nat there's so much I need to do! It has to be perfect!" I say, suddenly feeling anxious that I'm not coming up with a decent proposal.

She smirks amused at the look in my eyes that I imagine could look bewildered right now, in the realization that I haven't planned any good way to propose to the love of my life.
"I really don't need anything fancy. A surprise is fine" she says, kissing my lips softly.
I put my hands on her hips, swaying her from side to side.

I know she'd be fine without any kind of proposal, but I also know her enough to know, that she'll let me propose because I feel like it's essential, and also that she secretly really wants a proposal.
"We should probably tell the others about us before we get married though" I say.
She plays with the collar of the t-shirt I found in my locker and looks at me, her lips curling into an evil smile.
"We will...but you know that Tony has a party planned for tomorrow evening, because Thor is coming. And I've heard that he's bringing the god-booze that gets you totally wasted, and you'll need that with those nightmares of yours, so I have big plans to get you drunk" she says.
"Is that so? Well, if you get to do that, then I get to kiss you as much as I desire" I say and pinch her bottom lip between two fingers.
"If you drink as I tell you to and don't complain" she says.
"Anything for you Love" I say and kiss her.

Sorry I haven't updated for so long. I have so crazy many exams right now.
I had three last week, and I think seven in the upcoming, so I really haven't had much time to write.

Anyways, we're going to a party, because I want to write that if I can get it to be good. I hope this'll make do because my brain's been working on overload and I haven't been able to really come up with ideas or write well because of it.

Stay safe, and I send my best to everyone going through exams rn or anything else!