Broken Souls ✔️

Ch. 21 Holidays Without Her

(Y/N)'s P.O.V.
I struggle to let Crosshairs and Drift act as my support, to want to eat, and nightmares are back. I don't understand the break in these nightmares after I began getting over the flu.  I don't tell anyone, even Prime. They assume I'm tired due to still being underweight. Ratchet checks every day to make sure I'm not getting sick again.

Halloween is a rough night. All I think is how much Sideswipe loved candy and if Jamie did.  Ratchet allows me to have a little candy but says it's not the best way to gain weight as if I'm hoping to be allowed to eat a lot.  Even though Halloween isn't a big holiday, I still think about her, and what about the major holidays? Not sure if Cade and Optimus will plan a Thanksgiving dinner regardless of the current situation, but I know it's going to be the start of a lot more agony, but do much more for Crosshairs and Drift.  Should I push Crosshairs and Drift away?

Drift's P.O.V.
We can tell (Y/N) is thinking about what Jamie would be doing during Halloween along with Sideswipe. She's likely thinking about how her friends and Jamie won't be here for the two major holidays coming up. Though Cade and Prime already confirmed it'll be impossible to get what we'd need for Thanksgiving dinner without being found. Ironhide and Hound immediately protest the idea of changing our holoforms.  I don't care if we skip the two major holidays forever.

"Why?" I ask when Prime asks me to check on (Y/N) later tonight.
"I think she needs you more than me even though I'm her boyfriend."
I get why he's thinking this way.  I didn't think Optimus would question why (Y/N) is exhausted in the middle of the day when this is how she's been for months.

Optimus is looking in (Y/N)'s room as I walk down the hall. I figured he wouldn't stay away from her room all night. 
"I'll be here," he whispers as we hear (Y/N) cry.
This is something else others won't get; why isn't Optimus dealing with his girlfriend having a nightmare?  This is likely a nightmare related to Jamie. I don't know if she's dreaming I'm furious at her, but I need to deal with this.

I lay on the bed by her —  (Y/N) will be looking at me when she wakes up — and rub her arm as I try to wake her up.
"(Y/N), you're ok," I whisper, hoping she'll wake up. 
Optimus walks into the room as she wakes up and looks around the room. I don't think she's looking for Optimus.  Tears roll down (Y/N)'s face as I take her hand. I fear knowing two major holidays are coming up is causing her to feel a lot more guilt.  For now, I want to get her back to sleep, and we'll talk tomorrow.

"She'll likely freak if I stay here," I whisper to Prime once (Y/N) is asleep.
He nods and lays on the bed. I honestly don't think he's been to bed yet.

"Is there anything we can even say?" Crosshairs asks when I tell him what happened last night, "she knows this is going to be a hard time for us — for everyone — so there's not much we can tell her."
I try to talk to (Y/N), but Crosshairs is right. There will be a lot more crying from her, and I think she'll be dealing with nightmares for a while.
Even after telling her that we have no plans for Thanksgiving, (Y/N) still ends up crying and hugging me. I don't think I need to ask her what her nightmares have been about.

The others also aren't sure what to do. We don't like how all we can do is comfort (Y/N), knowing how much guilt she's feeling, but she'll think anything we say is lying.
Everyone turns their attention to Crosshairs and me, believing we'd struggle just as badly. Though Crosshairs, Hound, and I have been in hiding since we met Jamie and never observed the holidays. This year would have been the first year. Bumblebee, Ironhide's, Prime, and Ratchet have observed these holidays with Jamie for years; they're likely going to have a harder time even if Jamie was my girl. 
As for (Y/N)'s nightmares, Optimus and I decide to take turns staying with her. I don't think she'll know if I sleep on the floor.

Thanksgiving is a typical day for us — except for (Y/N). She refuses to get out of bed or eat. This is concerning, but not as concerning as how Christmas will be like?
"You need to eat," I insist as I lay on the bed beside her, "I'm ok."
"Because it's a day really about food," she argues.
This is interesting.

(Y/N)'s P.O.V.
I can't believe he's ok. Even if he is, I know he won't come Christmas. How the hell is he worried about me? To the point that he takes turns with Prime staying in my room at night.  I ruined what would have been his first holiday season that he'd be able to celebrate with Jamie. Now that I think about it, Jamie would have found a way to get a Thanksgiving dinner to us.

Optimus Prime's P.O.V.
No one had this in mind when thinking about our first holiday season that we are not worrying about Cemetery Wind hunting us. Though we're still in hiding, this is better than where we were a year ago, but not much better. I'm not worried about a Christmas present to give (Y/N) this year. I'd love it if I could take her guilt away, but even spending time with Crosshairs and Drift isn't helping.

"I think we should treat Christmas as a normal day," Ironhide suggests.
"It probably would have been mostly a normal day even if....," Cade trails off.
"We need to watch Crosshairs, Drift and (Y/N)," Ratchet stresses.
The concern the three are suicidal is high.

Third-person P.O.V.
Crosshairs waited until Drift was asleep in (Y/N)'s room to lay next to him on the air mattress. Crosshairs isn't liking it's Drift's turn to stay with (Y/N), but Drift refuses to let Prime stay with her.  Crosshairs didn't want to sleep, and the thought of Jamie not being here for Christmas helped him avoid falling asleep.
I don't think I'd be able to sleep even if I was exhausted. Crosshairs thinks as he stares at Drift; its evident Drift has been silently crying. Anxiety fills Crosshairs to the point he has to leave the room. He's too dizzy to get back to his room. Somebot helps him onto the floor.
"Crosshairs? You're ok," he hears Ratchet.
The medic does what he can to help Crosshairs, dreading knowing what caused this anxiety attack.
As if he knew what was going on, Drift rushes out of (Y/N)'s room. Ratchet lets him try to help Crosshairs.
Drift also knows why this is happening and dreads how worried his friend is, to the point of having an anxiety attack.  Drift hugs Crosshairs and tries to get him to calm down.
"I'm not going to do it," he whispers.
Drift hates the guilt Crosshairs feels, blaming himself for what happened like (Y/N) is.  Like when he's talking to (Y/N), Drift isn't sure what to say that doesn't sound like a standard response. He gets Crosshairs to come with him to his room.

Once the two are sitting on the bed, Drift resumes hugging Crosshairs.
"I'm not going to do it," he repeats, making Crosshairs look at him, "like we've been telling (Y/N), what good would that be?  We're close friends, and I know how hurt you'd be."
It's not long before the two mechs are looking at the picture of Jamie they have, dreading they can finally celebrate Christmas, and their little lady is gone. Hoping she hasn't remembered them all this time and is crying alone.

The two mechs didn't think (Y/N) would be looking for them until she hugs Drift and cries.  Drift hates there's nothing he can do to help her.  He's doing ok — still dreading Jamie isn't here, but doing ok. He knows (Y/N) won't believe him.  The two mechs are happy she'll eat though they're not sure if they can get her to do anything but stay in bed all day. They know healing from what she did is going to take a long time.