Broken Souls ✔️

Ch. 17 I Already Failed One Femme...

(Y/N)'s P.O.V.
I don't know why Crosshairs and Drift keep coming back to the medbay even though I'm still sleeping most of the time. It's been a week since her death. Ratchet stopped his mental  check-ups — for now, though I think he can tell how I'm feeling.  Ratchet has also been scolding everyone who wants to come here to wash their hands. I wouldn't be surprised if he's saying I don't have a functioning immune system. I know he's still terrified I'll die. Though he's not going as far as everyone needing to wear masks and those suites like they do for very sick patients in the hospital.
It's strange Crosshairs, and Drift are worried about me. I doubt they could fake it, considering what happened.

Ratchet wants me to eat a little soup. Though I'm worried part of my condition is a damaged digestive system.  Sure, I'm tolerating being tube fed a liquid, but he's concerned that's how I'll have to eat or have a G-tube out in.

Drift walking in with the soup gives me a bad feeling.
"You think I'm mad enough to poison you?" He asks.
"N-no....."
I don't know what to say as tears roll down my face.
"How does she know?" Crosshairs asks.
I know it seems odd to get upset over soup, but I know this reminds both mechs about Jamie. Why do they want to do this?
"It's ok," Drift says as he wipes my eyes.
"Stop lying," I sob.
I didn't think this would lead Drift to hug me, being careful of everything I'm hocked on.
"I'm not; what good is being angry at you? You're struggling just like she was."
I know he's so hurt. How can he want to help me?  Crosshairs joins the hug, which is even more strange.  There's no way either are ok with being with me.
"What the hell did you do?!" Ratchet rages.
"Nothing bad, otherwise why would we be hugging her?" Crosshairs asks.
Drift puts the bowl on the table and leaves. Its strange Ratchet follows him.
"I can't believe he's letting himself hurt."
Crosshairs sigh, "it's tricky, but there's no point being angry at you. That's not going to bring her back, but..... he's still crying at night. I don't know if he'll ever get over her death."
"And being with me is causing more pain. I know being with me is going to remind him — both of you — of her. It's probably better off to avoid me."
"No, I don't know if it makes sense to think we need to help you even after what you've done, but we feel like we couldn't help Jamie before she came here, and we want to do better."
"She...."
Crosshairs nods, "she would say she wants to be dead, but maybe our friendship kept her from trying. Maybe her pets; worried they'll end up in a shelter."
And now she's more alone. What have I done?
Crosshairs wants me to eat a little bit of the soup before it gets cold. I don't eat much before feeling full and tired.

Ratchet's P.O.V.
What Drift is thinking is tricky. He's right; what good is being angry at (Y/N), but I think being near her, especially while she's this sick, only reminds him about Jamie. He feels like he failed Jamie and doesn't want to watch (Y/N) die, knowing the pain Prime will feel. I doubt it's only because our leader is dating her that Drift feels this way. Seeing him laying on the bed, covered with Jamie's blanket hurts. 

Crosshairs is still in the medbay even after (Y/N) fell asleep.
"She didn't throw up the little soup she ate," he informs me, "she has so much guilt."
We both question how long before the guilt leads her to try to die? Though she still has a long way to go with treatment. She's still very weak.

Crosshairs' P.O.V.
It's clear (Y/N) will be frail for a while. She's getting less oxygen support than yesterday and doing better, but still not able to stay awake for longer than two hours. I know Ratchet is already stressed he failed to help Jamie and is uncertain if the treatment he's doing is helping (Y/N). Ratchet left after making sure (Y/N)'s condition isn't getting worse and telling me about Drift. He returns every hour, but is that a good idea with (Y/N)'s condition? Then I realize, is he grieving alone?

I check on Drift before going to Ratchet's room. I thought Drift was asleep until he turned to see who walked into the room. 
Are you hoping she left for a dangerous mission and will return soon?
Drift lies back down, facing the wall. So much for checking on Ratchet. I'm not leaving Drift alone.

Ratchet's P.O.V.
"I'm so sorry I failed you," I sit on my bed, looking at the many pictures on my phone. We can copy our photographic memories from our processor to our phones. I have many years of pictures. Perhaps a downside of the system Cade, Hound, and Jamie invented. We can have cell phones and a very secure wi-fi network, but there are still rules on using the internet, "I thought it would be your condition that I fail to cure you from that would have done it. I don't know what is worse;  you thinking suicide was the only way or watching you slowly die from your condition. Now I fear I'm failing (Y/N)."
"Ratchet?" I hear Optimus. He closes the door and sits on the bed, "is this what you do when not caring for (Y/N)?"
"It's bad enough I failed Jamie, and I don't know if treatment is working for (Y/N). Even if it is, she feels so much guilt for what she did."
"You know dwelling on what happened won't change anything. All we can do is keep our memories alive and help (Y/N)."

We go to the medbay in time to see (Y/N) having a nightmare. At this point, the only reason she can sleep is due to how weak she is.
"I'm sorry," she cries in her sleep.
Optimus gets her to wake up, but (Y/N) cries the second she wakes up.  Everyone is hurting, and it will take time; but we're all worried about Crosshairs, Drift, and (Y/N).