Interlinked

Chapter 39

I had to write this, because I want to reflect my pain through my writings. Losing Zayn ... God no, he belongs in the band and I know he didn't want togive up on us. Therefore, here's what I feel through words.

Chapter 39:

Loss ... Good heavens how painful this is.

How painful it is to feel a heart stopping, cold air entering a body uninvited. How hurtful it is to feel a head banging, numbness in your skull and just think that the universe is joking.

Please let this be a joke, we say although we know that now... There's no turning back. Because we've lost a heart we lost a life we lost a love.

Tears are real and honest when you no longer sense the wetness of the liquid escaping from the eyes. Pain will be demanding when you know that it's hard to cry any further more.

It hurts. Reality hurts more than life because we only lived without wanting to believe and just expect.

 Please let this be a dream, we pray the minute we hear of news we were afraid it might have approached us sooner than later. You just think of the possibilities in life.

What if I did this ... what would have happened instead? If I fought for change would I have made a change? Even if it was the slightest bit?

What happened to our little promise, to our crazy plans and endless conversations? What happened to our unspoken promises? That's all there is? Not even words, not even a proper farewell?

So maybe it's hard to cry now and it's hard to stop the throbs of your numbed brain. It's quite the task to pretend life is stable even though the bad was around us but the worse was a minute away from us. So maybe with every single pain in my body I believe I'm alive to die for that reality hurts so badly.

I don't want to sleep because I don't want to admit this is a reality after I wake up to find something is missing, to find someone missing, to find something has changed everything. I don't want to believe that our little star is no longer available to wish upon.

A day and then another ... and the aches in my heart grow deeper and deeper. They dig wider than before. Because everything is in reverse.

  The same carton folder Zachary gave me three days ago lies on my coffee table as I stare at it. The cup of tea is placed on its left, as files scattered and hope is lost in the maze of fear  I really do not encourage myself to get lost in. The TV in front of me is off and the house is completely silent since my mom dropped Trevor for his basketball practice.

  I shake my head and take in a sharp breath before I stand up and stump my weak feet on the ground. A loud groan leaving my lips and my fingers curl tightly on the screen of my phone as the scene of seeing Zachary walking inside my hospital room a few days ago keep playing in front of me. I feel until this day stupid because I did not believe myself when I had doubt that Eric might have been sick - or on the verge of dying.

 "I need water," I exhale in frustration as I rub my face slowly so that I stay alert for a few seconds inside these silent walls and make my way inside the kitchen. I turn on the faucet, listen to the ripples in the bottom of the thin glass cup and just hum before my mind travels back to the folder that has been untouched or unopened ever since I received the destructive news from Zachary.  

  Jolting when I sense the vibration in my jeans' back pocket, I pull out my phone immediately and swipe the screen after seeing Zayn's name on.

 "Hey, baby," he whispers and my heart sinks slowly after hearing the word baby travel into my ear.