it's you, it's always been you

chapter 119

The next few days blended into each other for Deena. She called Sam's room as often as she could and there wasn't a major shift for Sam but her temperature didn't get any higher.

School went by slow for Deena. In every class she had with Sam, she moved and sat in Sam's seat. And everyday, she wore one of Sam's favorite shirts or sweaters of Deena's that Sam would wear.

Simon and Kate would come over and try to distract Deena after school, but everyday Deena missed Sam more and it saddened Deena that she has gone so long without seeing Sam or hearing her voice.

Sam's pillow was barely smelling like Sam anymore but Deena still held onto it every night.

After school, Deena drove out to the spot in the woods with the rock that Sam took Deena to where she gave her the ring.

She sat on the rock and gently cried as she remembered every word Sam said to her before she put the ring on Deena's finger.

She was never going to take the ring off.

She brought the letter Sam wrote for her in the hospital that was about if something happened to Sam.

"Dear Deena,

I regret not kissing you sooner. Before you, when I would kiss a boy, I felt nothing. I thought I felt all I was ever going to feel. That I had to settle for this life my mom wanted. That I had to let boys kiss me and I would feel nothing.

Then I kissed you. I kissed you and the world shook. I kissed you and I knew then that there was so much more to feel. I kissed you and I felt this warmth in my chest where there used to be a void.

I'm sorry I didn't kiss you sooner. I'm sorry that you have to read this.

You have loved me when I didn't deserve it. You have loved me when no one else did. You have loved me when I hated myself. You have loved me.

I never felt love before you. I never felt at home before you. I never felt what a family was before you. I never loved anyone before you.

I'm in love with you, I have been for years and I've been afraid for so long to feel it. To feel how in love with you I am. I was scared and I wish I kissed you sooner.

You told me that you wanted to give me the white picket fence, a dog, maybe a kid. You wanted to give me a family that loved each other unconditionally. I wanted so desperately to give that to you also. I wanted a blue house with you. I wanted to bake those cinnamon rolls your mom made that you loved so much every morning for you. I wanted to argue with you over the color of paint for the living room. I wanted to marry you. You have no idea how perfect that sounds to me. I thought about this while I received chemo, everyday I thought of this.

There hasn't been a day that I haven't thought of you since I met you in my blue raincoat. Even as a kid I know you were going to be important to me.

You have been the most important person in my life. You have saved me also, Deena. I can never tell you enough how grateful I am to have met you. I love you with my entire body, soul and being.

I give you the permission to move on from me. You deserve that future, with a white picket fence, with a dog, with a child, with a wife. But the house can't be blue. You deserve love again after me. You deserve all the good in the world.

Wherever I go, wherever I am, I love you. I will miss you. I miss you.  

Deena, it's you, it's always been you.

Love Always,
Your Sam."

She held on to the letter tightly as she read it then read it again.

She told Simon and Kate she didn't want to hang out that night. She wasn't engaging much in their conversations anymore. All she could think about was Sam.

Deena carefully put the letter back in her pocket. She wanted to keep the letter as long as she could and she would put it in her nightstand with the letter her mom wrote her and Sam.

She walked back to her car, and put on a mixtape that she made Sam as she drove back to her house.

After she parked her car in her driveway she wiped the tears off her face and waited a moment before she went in so no one knew that she was crying.

When Deena walked through the front door and through the living room, Josh was on the couch and was smiling wide at Deena. Which Deena was taken back from, but just shook her head and kept walking to her room.

Deena sighed as she opened the door and went straight to hang up her jacket in her closet.

"I've been waiting for you," Sam said with a wide smile as she sat on Deena's bed.

Deena jumped at the voice but turned around immediately when she recognized the voice.

Her mouth fell agape as she froze where she was as she was stunned Sam was before her in her room.

"Sam! Holy shit! Sam!" Deena yelled as she practically ran to Sam and hugged her so tight and fast that they fell back on the bed.

ya girl gets tested for covid today and hopefully my professors don't yell at me for missing class i am terrified of them lmao