The meaning of protecting you with my life

What does the future hold for me

Wei Wuxian's consciousness was coming back to him only slowly. It was like he was trying to go somewhere but his legs were stuck in a thick syrup like substance which resisted his every step. He was trapped somewhere and it took an enormous effort to move at all. Just as he was slowly getting more and more aware of the world around him, only the smells and sounds for now since his eyes were refusing to open just yet, he remembered what he had done before falling asleep.

Uncle Jiang had come to his room all too soon after his siblings had appeared at his side. He had not had nearly enough time to enjoy their company. But it had just been his rotten luck, like usually. He had not protested or regretted having his happy moment cut short. He had known this had been coming and he had been prepared for that.

It had been certain in his mind that he had been allowed to return to Lotus Pier only for him to apologize to the family he had failed and to take his punishment. He would be thrown out soon.

He only knew that he was still in his former home because of the sound of gentle waves caressing the piers and the distant laugher of junior disciples swimming freely and splashing water all around. He had also been like them once, full of life and thinking that he would be able to face everything life threw at him with ease.

Oh, how foolish he had been to believe that! How young, arrogant and naïve. He had been way too confident in his own abilities when he had still had his golden core. Now he knew better. Every day was a struggle for survival and life was hard even when he did everything he could. He would never be able to go to those happy and easy days ever again. He would have to struggle on the streets and face harsh winters just as he had used to as a child.

Though he should not be surprised. He had long resigned himself to this fate when he had lost his golden core. He had failed in protecting the Yunmeng Jiang clan because he was weak, useless. He had no more place in his former family anymore. It hurt but he had no one else to blame for that but himself. He had to face the consequences of his mistakes.

Then he vaguely remembered that Uncle Jiang had held him in his arms and had let him cry his heart out on his chest. He had not done that ever since bringing Wei Wuxian to Lotus Pier. That must have been a sign that he was about to leave in the same way as he had come, scared, trembling with fear and cold and all alone.

It would be easier for everyone this way too. He would not be able to cause any more troubles and Madame Yu would be able to finally find a better head disciple who would be more obedient and would have higher skills so he would be able to protect her family properly. Uncle Jiang had told him that he had nothing to apologize for, that must have meant that they were finally done with him and not even his apology or begging would save him from his fate. Why would any cultivation sect keep someone as useless as him around?

Now it was just the question of time when Madame Yu would come and finally throw him out. He could only hope for her to be merciful enough to leave him a set of robes to cover himself with and allow him to take his flute with him if it had not been lost during the last battle which was very much probable. Surely everyone had more important things to do in the fight than to look for his spiritual weapon. That was fine though, he could make another one.

He stopped at this thought. He felt concerned at his own wish. He had only used demonic cultivation as his last option, it was time to let it go. He should become just a normal man, the same one he had been destined to be if Uncle Jiang had not rescued him off the streets and if he had survived until this age on his own.

Using demonic cultivation was detrimental to him, just as Lan Zhan had always said. He should stop when was there still time. He would not get Lan Zhan to play for him anymore after all and he would not like for the damage to multiply. He was powerless now and he should start finally getting used to this notion. The war was over; it was time to let go of everything.

No, he could not do that! Not when the shards of the Yin iron were still somewhere out there and someone could take advantage of them. He was the only one now who would be able to stop another demonic cultivator from rising to power. He had to conserve means of manipulating the resentful energy if needed. He would still have to practice demonic cultivation.

He opened his eyes and stared up at the now familiar ceiling. His head was in turmoil and he did not know what he should do now. He felt at a loss and wanted for someone to tell him how to proceed with his life. So much had changed in such a short time and he had only now started to process it all. He had to come to terms with it quickly, soon, he would not have any more time for leisurely musing.

And talking of the devil; his head snapped to the side when he heard Madame Yu's voice not far from his head: "A-Ying? Are you awake?"

He did not even stop to think about her words and the tone of her voice and he was already scrambling up from under the covers and kowtowing to her, still on the bed as he was not sure he would have been able to get down from it in any other way than falling. He did not wait for her to start scolding him and he was already apologizing. He wanted her to hear all of it before she would grab him by his collar and throw him away just like she had always promised.

"Madame Yu, I am sorry. I have failed you and your family. I could not protect anyone and you have all suffered because of me. What more, I have even failed the Yunmeng Jiang sect. I..."

He could not continue as he choked on a sob. It had really all been his fault from the very beginning. He should have listened to her, he should have listened to Jiang Cheng. He should have done better. Now he would have to face uncertain and dangerous future on his own and would not be able to see his siblings ever again. There was a weight on his chest which was steadily getting heavier and heavier and was crushing him so much that he was having trouble breathing.