With Him

Chapter 9: Not again

I smiled at Nils across the table at our one year anniversary. As we dug into our food. The sleek body fit suit me perfectly with gold jewellery while he wore a black shirt and suit. And as the waiter came again to serve us our desert. I looked up at him and heard a camera click go off. Nils did not take many pictures of me. I looked at him puzzled but he was busy smiling at his phone. 

An exasperated Chris came into the restaurant and towards our table. I got up and asked if everything was okay. But she ignored the comment and asked if she and Nils could talk privately for a second. 

Nils left the table and they walked up near the bar and Chris started talking. Even in a simple sweatshirt and jeans she rocked it. But soon I could see Nils frustrated. I walked up to them as they were still talking, they were so engrossed that they didn't see me.

"But I like you Nils!" Chris said "Chris... I am with her." He said in a sigh "And do you really like her?" She said "I mean look at her, she isn't THAT pretty. She is definitely not upto your standards. And how did you meet? Online? You know nothing about her past! You don't even like her, as far as I knew the "kiss" which started it all was an attempt to make ME  jealous!" She completed "Jeez! Chris what the hell is wrong with you? You aren't like this."

And I don't know what he said next but the world around me went numb. My heart dropped down and skin grew cold. I knew what was coming. With shaky legs I went to the table grabbed my purse and phone and coat and left. After walking a certain distance I sat down on a park bench. I looked down at my palms, trembling. I was sweating in this cold. Not again. I left everything behind because of this.

A short minute after Nils finally found me. And as he sat down besides me I tried to control and hide the shaking in my sleeves. "So is she your girlfriend now?" I asked in a small voice. "What? Honey, no." He said putting an arm around me. "Why not? I mean she is prettier and she knows you better and you know her better!" I said almost crying. No tears Dhruvi no tears. I made a face that I was about to cry when I stopped. "Then should I go back to her?" He said as he got up to leave, when I stopped by holding his hand and said another small no. "You are cold and trembling, let's go inside." he said, I pulled him down and made him sit. "It's not cold, it's an anxiety attack." I said "Wait, what, are you okay?" He asked "I'm fine Nils but I want you to know this. Back in India, I was the school's popular girl. Everyone talked about me, all that I did, good or bad. So never really had any reals friends. And as the pandemic hit whatever was left also fell apart. I dated a guy who was two years older to me and I was in an abusive and toxic relationship with him for 4 years, it was amazing at first but things worsened with year two but I loved him so much that I let him use me even after we broke up. He put a lot of restrictions on whom I talked to and what I could and couldn't do. He would constantly manipulate me. And I was all alone through it, I have some childhood trauma as well from the nights I saw domestic abuse in my house. And going through it alone plunged me into depression, severe anxiety and OCD. But I got up on my own, becoming independent. I pursued my dreams with me in focus and it ended up with me being here in Germany. And soon I found my home with you and everything was good. But hearing that conversation set off the attack for the first time in a long while. And I think it put me into it because my ex never told anyone about me and led a seperate life in college with all these people more beautiful than me...and and I am sorry if you feel offended that I compared you to him, it's just-" he cut me off "What? Dhruvi, no. I am not offended. It's your trauma and it's only human that your brain did that. Who told you that?" He said "Another one of my exes..." I said "Good god, you've had bad relationships in the past. But here you are standing with your heart open as ever.." He said and I completed it "because I am not afraid of love. I would never trade feeling something so great to shutting out like normal people." "And that's why I love you." He looked at me and smiled, he said it. He said I love you, my heart disintegrated into a billion butterflies, as tears rushed to my eyes. I hugged him with such force he rocked back a little. He laughed as he placed his hand on head and planted a small kiss. "That is also what told Chris as she screamed 'you don't even like her.' I told her 'you're right, I love her.' and I left as I saw you exit from the restaurant. I think I paid them when I left."He said and I laughed into his chest and looked up as he kissed my lips.

{Preferred Background Music: Nothing to regret- Robinson & Desert Rose by Lolo Zoui & Easy by Camila Cabello}