Will of Fate

II

"Help comes in different ways. Sometimes, from a stranger's words"

***

It was midnight and I'm already preparing in going to bed after studying all the lessons I have to for our exam tomorrow when my phone rang for a call.

I picked it up and answered it without taking a glance at the caller's ID due to exhaustion.

"'nak?" Awtomatiko akong napangiti nang marinig ko ang boses ni mama.

"Kumusta ka? Hindi ka pa pala natutulog," she added.

Saglit akong napahinto sa tanong n'ya. Marahil sa ibang tao ay madali lang sagutin ang tanong na iyon. Pero para sa 'kin ay tila isa iyong tanong na kailangan pang sisirin sa kailaliman ng dagat ang sagot.

Kumusta nga ba ako?

I grinned at that thought. How foolish it is for myself to find it difficult to answer.

"Okay lang po ako ma," I lied. Or I guess it's more like a truth already. Since, like what they say, a repeated lie will become a truth.

"Kumusta ang pag-aaral mo? Hindi ka ba nalilipasan ng gutom? May natitira ka paba sa allowance mo?" she asked for the usual things.

I fell silent for a while. Iniisip ang mga panahong hinayaan ko ang sarili kong malipasan ng gutom. Hindi dahil sa wala nang natitira sa allowance ko upang bumili ng pagkain. Kundi dahil wala lang akong gana. Times where depression is taking a toll on me.

"Hindi pa naman po ako ganoong nahihirapan. May natitira pa naman po sa allowance ko para sa buong lingo," I answered. When it comes to money and financial support, humahanap ako ng paraan para hindi gaanong manghingi sa kanila ng pera. I applied for different scholarships after I enrolled to my freshman year in college. I also used my passion in arts to draw for someone with a payment. Hangga't maaari ay ayaw kong maging masyadong pabigat sa kanila.

"Mabuti kung ganoon."

"Sya nga pala, umuwi ka rito sa susunod na lingo. Uuwi ang mga ate mo," she added. Tamad na lang akong napatango sa sinabi n'ya.

"Opo," tipid kong sagot.

"Osya, matulog kana."

"Ang bilin ko Jedi, sa 'yo na lang kami umaasa," she added with her usual reminder of taking my studies seriously and not to enter on things which does not benefit it.

I ended the call with a polite and assuring answer.

Saglit akong napasulyap sa orasan sa cellphone ko bago ko ito tuluyang maisara.

It's already one o'clock.

I groggily threw myself in the bed and positioned it immediately in a way which I can freely stare at the ceiling; as my unwanted thoughts came rushing in like an unwelcomed visitor placing a bouquet of flowers on my tombstone.

The pressure. It's adding on the heavy feeling I feel right now, in which I have to excel in my academics and reach everyone's expectation and be the woman who they want me to be. Well, that's pretty crazy. But I'm running out of choices. As if I have.

Ilang minuto akong nanatiing nakatitig sa kisame bago ko naramdaman ang likidong hindi ko man lang namalayang umaagos na pala mula sa mga mata ko.

Here I go again, crying.

Napahagulgol na lang ako habang tinatanong ang sarili ko kung bakit na naman ako umiiyak. I'm tired as hell. It was like in a swift of a second, a pain with no exact reason suddenly existed in my chest, making me want to desperately ask for Death to knock on my door.