A banker, a militant, and a billion naira. E choke..!!
But these weren't just still waters; they were dead waters. If I threw my blunt out unto it, we'd have a sea of fire. --- Smoke
**Slow updates
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** Star...
"My name is Kitoye Isaac. But you can call me Kit mama. I'm cool like that".
Nah, that's not my introduction. I'm not this dramatic, except in my head. It's hers - the woman before us in a mini skirt-suit and perfectly donned make-up. She dramatically flips the bone-straight wig that flows all the way to her butt. I and Susan exchange glances.
It's 7:10 am on Monday morning in Lagos Nigeria and we're listening to Mrs Kit's tedtalk. I guess that's what she thinks she's doing. She's our newest manager. Recently, there had been a reshuffling of managers in the region, and Mrs Kit was assigned to my branch. We've had about half a dozen managers since I joined Reliance Trust Bank and started working at this branch. But none had ever been as attention grabbing and outrageously funny as the one standing before us, especially on the first day. She is quite a character. We wouldn't say we weren't expecting some drama though. Mrs Kit's reputation precedes her, and she consistently lives up to the definition of gbaza queen - a slang used to refer to a person who loves to grab all the attention for herself. We've heard stories about her. How she makes people laugh as much as she vexes them. How she is so blunt and crude it sometimes becomes embarrassing.
I sometimes wonder how she became a manager with such little decorum in a bank of high repute. Most people associate banking with finesse and professionalism. Nah, it's not all that, at least not where I work. Here, It's all about performance and meeting targets. So long as you can reel in millions of naira, you are on your way to the top. That's just how the system works. We celebrate performance, not character.
Mrs Kit continues her long welcome address that is totally unnecessary for someone who may be moved to another branch in three months. This was a temporary deployment, we heard.
As expected, the speech gets less professional as minutes go by. "This is not the time to relax. Those of you who will balance and be claiming big man, take note please. Big man, but your stomach is bigger than your balance sheet, you better start working hard."
There are chuckles across the room even as eyes travel to James. What a jab! He is the only one on the team with a big tummy. He is also the one with the smallest balance sheet. I won't say it's for lack of hard work, however. I see him struggling like everyone else. He just didn't reel in the numbers.
"When you work hard, you will be fit and fine like me" Mrs Kit goes on. "Lazy people get fat and you cannot carry themselves, talk less of carrying millions. Fat is a disease" She hollers spreading her hands out wide in demonstration.
"Omor, nawa oh." Susan sighs beside me. "We go soon dey watch weight on top employment."
I chuckle silently covering my mouth with a hand.
"I expect everybody should look nice and sharp. Guys I don't want to see evangelism suit. Ladies, I don't want to see mary-amaka. You can see me rocking my hot mini skirt." She waves a hand up and down her frame.
"That skirt does not even look professional. Where's the compliance team when they're needed?" I whisper to Susan.
"You cannot be chasing hundred million naira and you're wearing mary-amaka. You will fall oh..." Mrs Kit warns with a hand to an ear as she bends her upper body forward to stress her point. "You will fall oh..."
Everyone laughs because the woman is a walking comedy, if you can look past her annoying traits. I roll my eyes inwardly.
"Didn't they say she's a pastor's wife?" Iyabor mutters from behind me.
"Pastor's wife fire" Obiora scoffs. "This one go quench the spirit."
His comment draws out laughter from some colleagues sitting close by, I and Susan included. Mrs Kit smirks, probably thinking our reaction is a response to her Ted talk.
"Laugh oh..." She continues. "Just take note, I don't want to see anybody looking shabby, or smelling. Use nice perfumes, especially the ladies. You know we're always secreting something. If it's not blood, it's mucus. If it's not mucus, it's pap..."
"Oh my God!" Susan groans. At this point I am embarrassed too.
"Spray your perfume oh" Mrs Kit hollers and more men snicker this time around. Idiots!
"Make your hair. Ladies don't carry one wig for one month and be looking like karashika. Guys, trim your beards. I don't want prophet Elijahs in my office."
More laughter.
"And finally, but most importantly, meet your target, at least up to 80 percent. Anything below that is unacceptable to me."
The atmosphere is suddenly serious. No one is laughing anymore. No banker likes hearing about targets. It is depressing.
"You can go ask about Kit. Back in the day when I was on your level. I was a performer. I am still a performer, so everyone around me must perform, okay. You must meet 80% of your targets. It is mandatory." She pauses, letting it sink in. "Okay, I think I've said enough for my first day here. I believe we are going to work together in harmony and take this branch to greater heights. No more loss making, starting from this month. All hands must be on deck, okay".
Silence. Some nods here and there. A few hums.
"Are we in agreement?" she more of demands than asks.
"Yes Ma"
"Of course, Ma"
"We're good to go."
"We'd surprise you Ma."
The banking hall buzzes with promises of things she wants to hear, and the things we hope we will do but somehow know in our hearts that we may not be able to. Because the targets are crazy!
We share the grace and disperse. I walk to my office which I share with Susan and two other account officers. I am thinking of how I will achieve 80% of my target. Mrs Kit can not override the HR targets on performance, which is graciously lesser, but she impacts our appraisals. Most managers will give you the heat but still be kind during appraisals. From what I heard of Mrs Kit, she is as blunt in appraisals as she was in real life. So we should expect no sugar coating from her. A poor appraisal is dangerous. A very poor appraisal meant queries and warnings and could open doors for suspensions or termination. I didn't want to be on that radar. I know I hate banking, but I need this job.
I look at Susan. She looks worried too but tries to mask it with a smile. "Don't worry Amy, we'd blast the targets" she says. She's ever the optimist. I'm the realist. I nod my head and turn on my computer to begin the day, wishing that a fairy customer of mine received some huge funds in his account over the weekend.
Anyways, let's get into my intro now that Mrs Kit is no longer on stage. You heard Susan call me Amy. Ugm...I mean you read Susan, lol. Well, that's my name and it's short for Amara which means Grace. You already know I'm a banker. No, I'm not rich. I just take care of rich people's money and believe that someday, I will be rich too. I think I'm a nice person, but some people say I'm stuck-up. I have no idea what they mean. Let me know what you think as my story does on.
Right now, I'm just thinking of how to meet my targets. I've been a banker for two years now, chasing targets like a mouse after cheese. I never seem to get the cheese. But at least I get paid for running fast. Well, that's something.
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