⌞𝙊𝙣𝙚𝙨𝙝𝙤𝙩𝙨 - 𝙇.𝙇 𝙭 𝙍𝙚𝙖𝙙𝙚𝙧⌝

⌞𝙒𝙝𝙮 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙝𝙪𝙧𝙩 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧𝙨𝙚𝙡𝙛? | 𝘼𝙣𝙜𝙨𝙩 - 𝙥𝙩. 1⌝

[Contains: Suicidal Thoughts, Self Harm, Panic Attacks, Mild Swearing]

[Loki Pronouns: She/They]

Your POV

I've been working with The Avengers for 2 years now, I help them on missions and live in the compound. I always feel like I'm holding The Avengers back, I'm useless to the team, they don't need my help. These thoughts went through my mind 24/7, I always overthink every action and word even if they aren't directed at me.

My therapist has shown me different techniques to help me when I'm overthinking or having a panic attack, it doesn't usually work. I've started to self-harm more often, I've done it so many times that I can barely feel the pain anymore, the knife cutting deeper and deeper every time, hoping I would feel some sort of pain.

"Can this shit stop already?" I say to myself, cleaning up the bathroom floor, making sure no red stains are left. The only people I have told are Natasha and Bucky, my two bestfriends. I trust them with anything, they always help me when I'm not feeling so well.

I still haven't told my fiancé, Loki.

She's been through too much and I don't want her to worry over me, I always feel guilty not telling them about how I actually feel but I refuse to put more stress on her. I'll tell them soon, I just don't know when.

"Love?, Are you done in the bathroom I really need to take a shit" Loki knocks on the door and chuckles at her comment. "Don't rush though, take your time" she says kindly, walking back to the bed to lay down.

"I'm done Princess" I creak open the door slightly and see her peacefully reading their favorite book, To Kill A Mocking Bird. "I see you're reading a Midgaridan book" I teased, jumped onto bed and snuggled up next to her.

"Okay Okay, Not all of them are terrible" she smirked and kissed me on the forehead, they start to read allowed and I fall asleep to their beautiful, calming voice. After a couple hours I wake up to Loki's arms wrapped around me, "Morning my queen" she greets me happily and helps me sit up.

"You up for some food?" I ask, their eyes shot wide open at the mention of food, grabbed me by the wrist gently and started to pull me out the room. "Ow!" I yelp and pull out of their grasp, Loki looks at me shocked and worried.

"What happened? Did I hurt you?" She started to check my wrists, I try to pull away but her grip is too stong. "Darling... Why are you trying to pull away? Is there something you aren't telling me?" I freeze, my body stiffins and they back away.

"no no I'm fine" I lie, forgetting that she is the God of Mischief. They could see right through my lie, I was scared that they would find out but I couldn't lie anymore. I slowly pulled up sleeves holding back tears, she backs away in shock. "Lokes..." quickly pulling my sleeves down and reaching for her hand. "I'm fine, Nat and Bucky help me a lot when I have a panic attack or feel like self harming" I quickly cover my mouth, knowing I shouldn't have mentioned that.

"So, you told them but not me?" She asks in an angry tone, "I'm your fiancé and you decide to tell some... DEFECTIVE EXPERIMENTS". I flinch at sudden increase of volume, tears start to well up in my eyes but I hold back.

"THEY ARE NOT EXPERIMENTS, THEY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY HAD TO GO THROUGH, DON'T EVER CALL THEM EXPERIMENTS" I yelled as loud as I could, scaring even myself.

"I COULD'VE HELPED YOU, WHY DON'T YOU TRUST ME" She started to pace around the room, thoughts running through their mind. "I'M MORE IMPORTANT THEN THEM, I'M YOUR FUCKING FIANCÉ" slamming their hands on the table, I stuble backwards. I've never seen this side of Loki before, it was... terrifying.

"please stop shouting at me, you're scaring me" I mumbled just so she could hear me.

"STOP SHOUTING?!? I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO SHOUT AT YOU" my temper had just about run out, I couldn't take them shouting at me anymore. "I DON'T KNOW WHY I ASKED YOU TO BE MY WIFE, YOU'RE SO SELFISH" I fell silent, why would she say that?

"YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY I HURT MYSELF" I pull off my shirt, showing all the cuts and brusies I've made, "I FEEL USELESS, LIKE IM JUST A PLAY TOY FOR THE TEAM, I'M NOT NEEDED HERE" I look directly into her emerald eyes, blurred vision from the tears that were streaming down my face.

"y/n...I-" she suttered as I walked out the room and slamed the door. A few seconds after I slammed the door I heard a loud scream, furniture breaking and glass shattering. All I want to do is run in there, hug them and tell her that everything will be okay. I couldn't, I ran back to my room before I could think about that anymore.

As soon as I closed my door I let out a loud screen and burst into tears. My whole body starts to shake, my heart quickens and so does my breathing. Natasha and Bucky burst into my room, pull me into a hug and reasure me that everything will be okay.

[To be continued...]