Pages From His Diary | k.sj.

Fifty Three

I couldn't sleep.

I laid in on my side while Taehyung spooned me, wondering if he was asleep. After our session, he quietly eased away from me and spent a half-hour in the shower. I didn't question him. He needed some time alone, and I gave him his space. However, he remained silent, and it's killing me. I tended to keep quiet too much with Seokjin and look how we ended. I didn't want to make the same mistake with Taehyung.

My hips shifted a bit, and his hand moved with them. Maybe he was awake. I turned him, barely making out his face in the shadow, but the glare of the moon revealed his untold eyes. Taehyung stared back at me, seeming unbothered and detached. "Talk to me," I uttered. "Taehyung, please." I pleaded, though his expression never changed.

"I don't want to talk." His voice, raspy and firm, laced with hurt and anger.

"We need to talk about what happened. I want to know how you feel." I eased a little closer to him. "Tell me, please." I pleaded once more.

Taehyung swallowed, gaze boring into me until they became hooded. His hand lowered down to my bottom as he gripped it, pulling me even closer to him. My lips parted with a gasp of breath from his grasp. "I've waited a long time to have you like this. It's a shame, really." He spoke, lips only seconds away from mine.

It would be a lie if I said I haven't considered of us like this. Sex with Taehyung hadn't been a much of a thought until after the few times we've kissed. Though I didn't think we would end up this way, the events leading to this will be a sure attachment to our first time. We will relive the memory with the heartbreak entangled with it. It's a tragedy. "What's a shame?" I asked.

"That I can't have you like this forever." He answered. My heart ripped, knowing this truth as well. "But, we have tonight and I will make the best of it." He added before taking my lips to his.

Our kisses led to another intimate moment, and I had no intentions of stopping it. However, after the initial moment, I processed more this time. Taehyung was still unaware of my secret and the name Sunhee called me began speaking louder as I fell lost in the passion of her ex-husband pleasing me. I was carrying another man's baby while a love I wouldn't admit to stroked me intensely. Did that make me a whore?

Seokjin and I are not together, and he made this clear on more than one occasion. It was stupid of me to even permit myself to engage in unprotected acts, but being in love with him, I did anything to please him, even if it meant breaking my own rules. Never will I do this again.

Taehyung cared for me. He always has and now we are expressing our feelings for one another in one of the most ardent ways imaginable. But hearing this will be the only night belonging to us spoke more truths than anything. Taehyung has decided about something he's not sharing, or will ever share. I have a a suspicion this triangle will soon be nonexistent.

"River," Taehyung whispered as he leaned up to face me. I held his face in my hands as his tears crawled down my fingers.

"Taehyung?" I called, but he continued looking at me, never losing pace in our carnal act.

"I love you." He confessed before he lowered his face, burying in the nape of my neck. Taehyung's hands gripped my bottom, making my legs spread wider as he thrust harder. The tears from his eyes trailed down my neck, igniting my own to fall. I love him too, but I can't say it aloud. It wouldn't be the same as his and it wouldn't be enough to salvage anything with us.

Taehyung released inside me. His chest rumbled as he grunted, filling me with everything he had. As his body calmed from the convulsion, I held him while reverberation of his sobs vibrated against me. I wasn't sure what to do or to think. Taehyung didn't want to talk, and he didn't have to. His tears spoke for him. I didn't know how to respond, but in this moment, I needed to reciprocate what he needed to hear. Taehyung deserved hearing my feelings for him, even if it wouldn't change anything between us. "I love you," I whispered.

The minute morning dawned, I got up from bed and took a shower to relax my muscles. Morning sickness was creeping in and I wasn't sure how I would hide this from Taehyung. I should tell him the truth, but I'm afraid he would look at me differently and he's been through too much to add me to his hate list. I don't want Taehyung to hate me.

After my shower, I walked back into the room and noticed he was awake. He stood in front of the window, staring out. I was curious about his thoughts and I would not take a backseat and wait for him to tell me. I sauntered toward him and stood next to him. He acknowledged me and smiled. It was nice to see this until my nausea reminded me of my secret. I fought through it to smile back. Taehyung stepped back and wrapped his arms around me, hugging me close to him. Being in his arms is nice. "Good morning," he whispered in my ear.

"Good Morning." Silence stood within us. "The sun is gorgeous this morning. I figured after the craziness last night, a storm would tear through." I attempted to make a joke. The indention of Taehyung's smile tickled my cheeks. I guess he found it a little amusing. My heart settled in relief.

"We should talk about last night. Hobi's party and us." He murmured against me.

I nodded in agreement. "Yes, we should." I took his hand from my waist and held it, leading him to the sofa next to us. Taehyung sat with me, appearing nervous.

"I want to apologize, River. I should have never allowed my temper to get the best of me, and I'm not sure what came over me. When Jin admitted to sleeping with my ex-wife and hearing her say those names about you, I snapped and I'm sorry." Taehyung apologized.

My gaze drifted to the cut above his eye. It seemed as if he cleaned it, but it broke my heart to see the reason for it.

"What I noticed the most," Taehyung added, "was seeing the way he stared at you when he admitted the truth. Did you know?" He asked.

I shook my head. "No, I didn't know he was sleeping with Sunhee. He told me he was seeing someone, and it was the reason..." I didn't finish. It hurt to admit it out loud.

"Why he couldn't tell you loved you?" Taehyung asked. I grinned humorlessly at his assumption.

"He doesn't love me Taehyung. He only loves himself at this point." I scoffed. Did I truly believe what I said or only said it to make excuses for him. All those sweet words he would say to me, were they for the moment or to convince of something not real? I give up trying to understand.

"He does River. I saw it in his eyes, along with the shame of having you find out about him. It pained him for you to see the truth instead of hearing it from him. You love him as well. You wouldn't have been so hurt if you didn't."

My tears betrayed me. I'm still so in love with Seokjin, even after my passionate night with Taehyung. What is happening to me? I am what Sunhee called me. I am that dirty word and allowed the sin of lust to taint me, and now I'm dealing with consequence. What have I done?

"Don't cry, River. This doesn't change how I feel about you." Taehyung's thumb brushed my tear.

"It's not fair to you Tae. It's not fair for you to love me when I'm in love with someone else. Last night was..."

"A night I will cherish always." Taehyung interrupted. "I know you love me, River. I felt it last night. What we shared will never be replaced with anyone or anything. Never." He assured.

"Taehyung, I-I mean I-You should," I shook my head. I wanted to tell him so badly, but I couldn't. I couldn't form the sentence to admit my secret and this made my tears fall faster. Taehyung took me into his arms and held me. He comforted me when I was lying to him. A harlot being consoled by an angel. The irony in this is a sin.

"Shh...it's okay, River. I'm here for you, okay?" Taehyung whispered into my hair. I hope he meant this because I will remind him when the day came and my secret is revealed. I will remind him of this moment.

↣ ♡ ↢

Funny how we put ourselves down when we are only acting with our humanity. River is no exception.

↣ ♡𝒸𝓊𝓅𝒾𝒹♡ ↢