The Spark Between Us

Chapter 43: Secrets

*My POV:*

I had been dating Jordan for about a month now and life couldn't have been better. My winter break, which is a month long, began last Friday. I was at Jordan's condo and we were watching a movie as we had just finished up the Mianite stream. All of a sudden there was a knock on the door. He ordered pizza. Fuck. I grew more anxious by the second. He set it down in front of us and he grabbed a slice and gestured for me to take one. With a shaky hand, I grabbed a slice and bite into it. I wouldn't be able to hold this down for long. As the movie continued on I had only ate one pizza still and I was feeling queazy. All of a sudden I couldn't hold it in any longer. I sprinted for the bathroom.

I didn't even have time to close the door, only to open the toilet seat and expel any food I had in my stomach into it. Jordan came running and kneeled next to me. He held back my hair and rubbed small circles on my back as I finished throwing up and calmed down. I then brushed my teeth, because that is disgusting, and rejoined Jordan on the couch.

He had a worried expression plastered onto his face as I sat down and stared at my lap. He moved closer and grabbed my hands. "Becca, what's wrong?" his voice filled with concern. He then became very serious as I wouldn't answer. He tilted my chin up so I was looking him in the eye, "Are you anorexic?"

I simply nodded and stared into his eyes. He looked as if his heart was shattered into a million pieces. "But why? You are beautiful and perfect by me," he really didn't seem to understand. "When I was in middle school, I was really fat. Like FAT. I got bullied 24/7. And not only was I fat, but I was hideous. I got called every word imaginable. They were cruel and it never ended. I had no friends at all. Nobody liked me. One day, I heard about training yourself to throw up your food so you become skinnier. I immediately began doing it. I haven't been able to actually eat since 6th grade. The bullying went all the way into high school. I was the most hated validictorian in history. When I started YouTube, I never did facecam or anything. I simply recorded. Honestly, I thought I wouldn't get any subscribers. But I got a lot of subscribers and I was able to come out of my comfort zone and I got so many good responses. Of course there are people that don't like me but thats YouTube people for you.

But the anxiety never went away. The fears, the insecurities, the self harm, the anorexia, it all never went away. The memories haunt me still today. And deep down, I know I really don't deserve any of the good things in my life." The tears were already streaming down my face by the end of this. We sat in silence for a few moments before Jordan pulled me into a tight embrace. He said in my ear, making sure I heard him, "You ARE beautiful. You are more worthy of anything than anyone I know. You are so humble about all the fame and just everything. I love every aspect of you. I love you. You deserve the world. If anything, I am not good enough for YOU. You hear me? Any time you feel like hurting yourself or you feel sad or you just need to talk please come to me. We can get through this. Together. We can get you professional help. Whatever you need, I'm here for you Becca."

The tears were running non-stop down my face. I just nodded and buried my face into his chest as he held me there. We stayed like the for what felt like hours. I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my chest.