And Then The Murders Began

Chapter Nine: Shrink, Shrank, Shrunk

January 1, 2018

Dear Journal,

I'm sure no one's going to understand anything I tell them, least of all the people who are paid sixty bucks an hour to do nothing but listen.

Actually, I've always felt that they don't really care... but that, my friends (oh, wait, I forgot, I don't have any), is why I need to talk to someone, and I should probably do it now, before I go absolutely off the walls mad. Electra broke up with me yesterday, and she still hasn't told me why, the cunt. I did absolutely nothing to her, the bitch, and I was really looking forward to our date tonight. We were going to have both sets of parents come out to eat with us and we would let them know then. But oh, no, no, it looks like Electra thinks she's too good for all of that. She came up to me this morning as I was about to reach over and give her a peck on the cheek. She stopped me before I could, per her hand on my chest, and then told me that we were through.

But not in those words, no, not at all. If she had said it like that, exactly like that, I would've understood. I sure would have been pissed, that's a give, but I think I would have understood that better than the 'I can't' that she gave me. Nothing more, just those simple words, and then she walked away.

I feel like Nick from when he was a kit and the Scouts shoved a muzzle on him. I feel just like that, trapped, broken, hurt, and manipulated. I've said nothing to her, just left her be. I can't do it, can't go up to her and say anything, because what comes out won't be anything more than asking 'What did I do wrong?' over and over. No, I have to be the bigger person here, I have to keep my head held up proud and high. I can't let her in, can't let her see how she's broken my heart so badly that I know that there are always going to be the tiniest of pieces missing.

No, I have to be the good girl, just like my parents want, just like I always have to be. I have to keep up the facade that I'm dating a guy. If either of my parents ever found out about us, well, now we'll never know, will we?

I'm willing to take a guess, though. Both of them would wonder what they did wrong to make me come out this way. I bet, no I know that they'd wish that they could take it back, make it so that an 'aberration' like me wouldn't ever exist. I'm gay, that's not going to change, as much as my parents might want us to... at least there's going to be a big bash of a party coming up soon, maybe if we can make up by then we can go together... I want to go together, and... yeah, I know Electra's bi, I don't aim to hold that against her- if I were in her place, I'd probably be playing it the same way- but even still, even still, seeing the woman you love more than anything, still, dating someone else, that stings... and yeah, I get that it probably makes me sound like one hell of a jealous witch, I know that... but, well, the feelings are confusing, and I'm sure that Electra's probably feeling some pretty similar things right about now.

See, this is where I'm lost, where every time the path forks, I always seem to choose the wrong fork in the road. I don't know what I should do. I still love Electra, I always have, and I always will, whether we're together as girlfriends (with no space in the middle) or friends who are girls, with a space in the middle. I want to go back up to her and ask her that very question- what did I do wrong- but I can't bring myself to do it, because my parents would probably find out in some way or another. There's just one more thing that I need to sort out, and that's when my next appointment with Doctor Tremblay will be. Until then, my mind can keep whirling in circles, wondering "What did I do wrong, Electra? What did I do wrong?"

Yours,

Robin Hood's Kit

Reading that, it feels like there are so many different Lylahs in this story, and they're all so different from one another that I'm finding it really, really, really, really hard to believe that they're all the same mammal who was once my girlfriend and who was once alive and whose body wasn't still laying in the local morgue pending autopsy...