A Different Path

Chapter 36 - Hand

Trying my best to listen.
I am trying as hard as I can right now to ignore that voice in my head that insists Jack is going to be disappointed in me. I was believing it for a while, but right as I went to write this, I stopped on the page that he wrote over, reading it for probably the hundredth time. It helped me to shut down that voice in my head a bit, but it's still there, trying to get in. I'm doing my best right now to listen to Jack, not this mean voice. I should also be proud of myself, I mean, I may have fallen, but I got way farther than I thought I would! Of course, each time I get happy about my progress, my brain goes "well you should've gone farther." I'm trying though, and I need to remember that trying is enough. 

I set my journal down, already feeling far better than I had before. I was already exhausted from the little work I had done, so I laid down, heading back to sleep.

"Nothing." I heard, the voice unfamiliar. I was standing in pitch-blackness, confused. "You are nothing." I tried to walk, but no matter where I went I still couldn't see anything.

"Hello?" I called out, feeling lost.

"Stop trying to get better. It'll never work." The voice continued, growing louder. 

"Who are you?" I asked, not hiding my fear.

"Stop trying to tell yourself that you're worth it. You are nothing. Absolutely nothing."

"That's- that's not true!" I fought back, growing more terrified. 

"You are nothing!" The voice repeated, now yelling. 

"Stop!"

"You are nothing!" 

"That's not true!" I kept trying to fight back, but each time the voice would just repeat the same line, until I finally gave up. 

I hoped that if I stopped responding that it'd stop, but instead it just began to repeat it over and over without waiting to see if I'd say anything. I felt like I was sitting there for hours, being screamed at by something I couldn't even see. 

I woke up quickly, having a panic attack. I had no idea what time it was, but I could see that Jack wasn't home yet, so I couldn't lay against him until I calmed down. Just to make sure I wouldn't get worse, I looked around the room, making sure that I was still in the lodging house. I couldn't stop shaking horribly, so I grabbed my journal, thinking that writing might help me to calm down. When I opened it to the next clean page, though, I just stared at it. I didn't know where to begin, and no matter what I did I couldn't stop hearing the voice from my dream screaming. Finally I decided I'd write just that, unable to get anything else out.

You are nothing.

I looked at it for a moment before I closed the journal, setting it back on the nightstand. I then grabbed my pillow and held it against me, crying into it. 

I wasn't sure how long I had been sitting there when the door opened, and Jack was in the doorway. I looked up at him, putting my face right back in the pillow after just a few seconds. He walked over to my side of the bed, sitting down.

"Are you okay?" He asked, and just as I had done with Race, I decided I'd be honest and shook my head. "Bad dream?" I nodded, feeling him get closer. "Do you wanna talk about it?" I looked up from the pillow again, wiping my face dry.

"No, it's alright. Just a stupid dream." I tried, but it was clear I didn't make him any less worried. "It's nothing more than my own, stupid head. Just forget it."

"I can tell you ain't okay. I don't like seeing you upset." He pushed my hair from my face, and I tried as best I could to smile. 

"It's okay, I just need to calm down is all. I promise that I'm gonna be fine, alright?" Jack sighed, knowing I wouldn't give up.