Our Own Peace

Chapter 1

If you see the boy i used to be, could you tell him that id like to find him.

And if u see the shell that's left of me, could u spare him a little kindness.

Ive been high
Ive been low
Ive spent a thousands night alone
To hold on tight.

Anson seabra- Broken.

People have been told thousand times that time will heal you, give it some time and you'll come around. This has been told multiple times to people who go through bad times, and that included Louise.

"Are you ok Lou?" For Louise however, times not being much of a healer. Louise presses the unread option and exits messenger. She knew her friends were simply caring but she hated that question and she hated herself more for the reason why.

She's not sure if its because of pride or the fact that she simply didnt like being pitied, but Louise found it useless to 'talk' about your problems. To her, sure maybe the person can help, but she didnt want their help—and this logic drove her crazy.

She seeks for some kind of help but she knows from the bottom of her heart that if the opportunity came, she'd reject it profusely.

She didn't understand herself and felt guilty for leaving her friends out.

Louise mentally tells herself to reply later tomorrow. She told herself the same thing too yesterday.

Louise stays in bed alot. She didn't understand why but it was impossible to leave the bed directly. It would take her an hour to push herself off her bed, that's why she makes an alarm for 4:30 AM. And right now its 5:27 AM.

She forces herself up and silently walks past her other 7 siblings in the room. She tries her best to open the door silently despite the rusty sound it makes. Before she closes the door, she peeks a bit to see if she disturbed her father sleeping beside her youngest sibling.

She closes the door and heads out the house with a wrench on her hand. Their water line had a broken pipe and with the lack of money they couldn't have it fixed directly so they decided to have an alternative—They would go to the water source and turn off their water meter at night to save money.

Louise hated going there early in the morning, she hated going out in general, but she had no choice. She cant cook without water. As she walks back to her home, Louise sees a couple of teenagers and her anxiety sky rocketed the moment she realized.

She didn't understand why but the eyes of people leave her in frozen state. She wasn't sure if it was anxiety but she was sure of the tight feeling around her chest, the sudden lost of the ability to breathe, the push to hide somewhere, and the fidgeting of hands. After some research in google, Louise just agreed with herself to call it anxiety.

She held the wrench tight and looked down to let her long, frizzy, and unattended hair cover the sides of her face. She zips up her jacket uptil the mid of her shirt in hopes of covering the hole on the front side of her shirt.

Just when she thought her anxiety was bad itself, her insecurities went over the moon when she saw how they dressed— rich. Not all rich people are mean but Louise knew that everyone judged what you looked like. Some dont let it affect you but some are brutal and though they dont say it, they already thought of it . Louise just had to take one look at them and Louise decided that she's been judged.

Louise hated the mentality she had when it came to this. She found it ridiculous after thinking about it for half a day but she never seems to apply it everytime the situation comes. And she's given the chance to change everymorning.

Louise wanted to faint the moment she made eye contact with one of the boys. She tries to keep a cool but she was trying her best to breathe. When she passed by them, Louise speed-walked towards the house and calmed herself down before heading to the kitchen.

The house wasn't dirty, but it wasnt clean either. Their kitchen was designed to be an outside kitchen so the old owners simply placed a big, wide, and thin-layered iron plate to cover the exposed parts of the kitchen.

Louise found the design ,of putting the only kitchen in the house outside, extremely stupid. Rainy and windy days were hell to cook in, especially when you're cooking with oil. Not to mention that the kitchen was only 2 meters long 2 meters wide, sink included.

She has asked herself countless of times why her parents never had them fixed before, when they had money. Surely out of the 8 years they lived in that home, the thought of fixing the house came to mind but it didnt.

If it did then Louise would've hated her life a little bit less.

Louise didnt like cooking in the kitchen because since it was exposed, some rats and birds come in and dirt everything inside the kitchen. Pans, kettles, and utensils had to be washed before using all the time. And dish washing soap was her dyshidrosis greatest enemy.

Louise had a aggressive type of vesicular hand dermatitis. In other words, her hands are filled with small, bubble, and water filled bumps growing all over her hands and feet.

At times it would be painful to walk in but Louise thanked the Lord for the mercy of simply making the bumps this month just itchy.

She quickly made breakfast and as she was cleaning up she heard the familiar clack of slippers walking towards the table.

"You placed too much water on the Rice Louise" her dad's voice groggily said as Louise simply stayed quiet. She didnt like the comment but she didnt want to rebutt on her father since this isnt the first time. "The eggs are too burnt"

Louise eyebrows twitched. Her dad didn't like the crispy sides and considered them 'burnt'. Once again Lou didnt say anything since she knew that her dad didnt like it but she made the mistake again.

Again and again.

Everything repeats again and again.

Louise sister complained that there was no more tissue so Louise went to the storage room to get some. As she looked at the shelf, she saw something at the corner of her eyes that caught her attention.

She saw a collage she made for a project taped to the wall. 6 photos: 1 class photo, 3 friend-group photo, 1 close friend-group photo, and 1 bestfriend-photo. Louise saw the biggest change in her life in those photos and that was her.

Its been a year and half yet nothing changed. A few changes here and there but its still the same thing. Nothing really changed. The only thing that changed was Louise. Louise was happy and normal, she goes out almost everyday. She was always active on social media, chatting away with many people, laughing with inside jokes they make. She was the clown of the class, the one person who could make the crowd happy, the person anyone would talk to since she was so approachable.

In those photos, Louise saw she was happy. Even though the fun times already past, Louise's eyes glittered and her smile was genuine. She was surrounded by the people who made her happy and those same people are rarely in Louise life. Not because they chose so but because she pushes them away.

Lou felt her chest well up and her eyes getting watery. A strong pang of pain struck her chest as she debates to rip the collage away. Louise hates crying so she looks up and forces her tears inside, she tells herself repeatedly to not cry. She took the paper and folded it, she placed it in between a bunch of old textbooks.

She leaves the storage room and looks up, there's barely any stars in the sky at where she lived . Louise thought that was a sign, since there was barely any stars since before. She walks towards her house as she pondered in her thoughts.

Does time truly help you? Because for Louise, all time did was change her for the worse and not the tiniest bit better.