Dangerous Innocence [ATARAXIA Series #2]

Self-destruction

"He who is drowning in pain finds lights to embrace life..."

Ganther Uries Neric Asuncion's Point of View

I open my eyes and stared blankly at the ceiling. I can hear the ECG machine beeping. I slowly removed the oxygen mask. The door opens. The nurse's eyes went wide when she saw me. She immediately called the doctor.

The doctor rushes over to me and checks me. I can see Kit and others outside crying but they're smiling. Relief is shining in their eyes.

"Tell me, Ganther may masakit ba sa 'yo?" Umiling ako ng tanungin 'yon ng doctor. He smiled. Before leaving and talk to them. I was left staring at the ceiling. Wondering why I'm still alive.

"Son..." I didn't spare him a look. I just tirelessly stared at the ceiling.

"W-why I'm still alive? Is this your punishment?"

"No, son. I don't want you to suffer like this. Kahit hindi ko man pinakita I love you. You're my son. My flesh my blood."

"Aanhin ko yang pagmamahal mo kung sukong-suko na ako?" Hindi ako lumingon ng marinig ko ang paghikbi n'ya. Nanikip ang dibdib ko. See? All I can do is make everyone suffer with me. Wala akong ginawang tama.

"Kuya..."

"Misha, don't cry for me. I'm still alive... Unfortunately..." Lalong lumakas ang iyak n'ya.

"Son, let us help you. Let us fill that space inside you. I'm willing to fix the mistake that I did before."

"Everything is empty for me... Buong pagkatao ko. How can you fill that?"

"With love, Ganther..." Dad wiped my tears. He smiled at me and hug me gently. Misha also joined us.

"Just be patient we'll fix that and you'll be okay. You'll be back as the Ganther always smiling when you are young. I'm one of the reasons why live your life hiding in the dark and in pain. Let me be the one who'll stay on your side now. Let me stand in your side as your dad na kahit minsan hindi ko nagawa."

"D-dad, did I deserve to live in this world?" He nodded without a second thought.

"I'm afraid to say that the world is the one who doesn't deserve you. You are not a monster, Ganther because the monster is doing cruel things to destroy someone. But you? You did everything for us. To save us. You're pure. Remember this son..." Dad smiles at me. "Purest person is the one who is willing to sacrifice everything for their loved ones like you did. You sacrifice your happiness and live as a monster to my eyes just to protect me. You tried your best to fix every mess. But Ganther doesn't ever think that you were a demon just because you failed. You are not perfect. You are human and failure is part of being a human." Every word he's saying it's makes me cry and I don't know why. Pakiramdam ko nakahanap ako ng kakampi.

"I-i'm pure?" I asked with a low tone. He nodded and Misha also agreed.

"Yes, because the pure person sees others first before himself."

"I-i'm tired, dad. I'm tired every day waking up with something missing. Wake up as a lost one. Not wanting to live anymore. P-pagod na pagod na ako dad." I said while sobbing I'm crying like a child in front of them. I break down in tears. Pero wala akong mahagilap na dahilan. Maybe it's too deep.

"Sssh, let us help you find another meaning of life. I know you are tired, son but hold on a little bit and we'll find a light for you to continue living. But first, you need to see this." He put a paper in my hand it was filled with blood. Kahit iba na ang itsura nito kilala-kilala ko 'to. It's Onyx's letter.

"Read it, Kuya don't be afraid." I swallow hard my hands were shaking as I slowly open the letter. My tears flowed again from my eyes. It's just 4 words but it made me shake in tears.

"I LOVE YOU, BABY"

I wanted to cry. Inabot ako ng dalawang taon dahil sa takot ko kung anong nakasulat sa papel it's just f*cking 4 words. Four words that shaken me and it reached my soul. What the f*ck is the meaning of that? Lalo akong naiyak. Pero aaminin ko na yung apat na salita 'yong, it gives me a little warm inside.

"D-dad, help me. Help me. I'm tired. This f*cking pain is destroying me. too. I don't want to feel trapped anymore. I don't want to live like this." I begged. Dad nodded. I looked at Kit and the others they crying too while smiling.

I'm not f*cking alone. They're here for me. I'm not alone in fighting the demons in my head. I need to fix myself because I'll just be lost forever if I keep living like this.

I'm done fighting alone. I'm done facing it alone. I need them...

***

"Are you ready, Ganther?" Kit asked if he was with me. I nodded. He smiled at me. He is the one who opened the door for me.

"I'll wait outside. Good luck."

"Thank you..." Tuluyan akong pumasok sa loob.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Ganther Asuncion. I'm Dra. Evanz." I give her a small smile. She gestures for me to sit down so I did.

"So Ganther, I want you to think of me as a stranger, not a psychiatrist. Is that okay?" I give her a nod.

"Tell me what do you feel right now?" I took a deep sigh. You got it, Ganther.

"It's hard to explain. I feel nothing at the same time it's painful this numb feeling gives me pain. I lost interest in everything. My mind was in chaos. Voices that keep whispering in my head. Sobrang bigat. I feel like drowning. Nalulunod ako pero hindi ako makaahon. I'm lost..." She nodded and listen to me carefully. I said everything to her.

"What do you think made you feel like that?" That question makes me freeze... Who? Who do I need to blame for this?

"M-myself..." I said in a daze. My tear brimmed down. Yeah, myself.

"Yourself?" I nodded.

"I-it's my choice. It's my decision. My life f*ck up because of my choices..." No one tells me to do that. No one tells me to save them, to manipulate their lives. No one said to me to follow him. It's all me. But I didn't expect what she said after hearing my answer.

"We cared too much, Ganther. We can love, too much. To the point, no one left for ourselves. You just cared too much for others not noticing you forgot yourself in the process. You forgot your feelings, you drown yourself in them." She smiled at me. A smile telling me that everything will be alright.

"Do you know what is the worst destruction that humans can face?"

"What?" I responded with a very tired tone.

"Self-destruction. You look at yourself as a bad person in their life because of your choices. A monster. You are thinking that everyone thinks that you are a cruel person. You are blaming yourself even though you are also a victim of the situation. I want you to look at yourself, not as a demon imprinted in your head. Don't think that you deserve all the pain inside you because of the choices that you made. You chose those because you love them and you care for them. You'll be never in peace if you cannot love yourself..."

Love yourself? How?

"Ganther, if you want peace of mind. Start accepting yourself. Start loving yourself. Start caring about yourself. And I do believe everything will follow. It's time for you to build yourself. To fix yourself the same time how you tried to fix other people ."

And that day I realized everything. There are two ways to find my rest, the peace of mind that I desired. I need to fix myself. I need to choose myself this time.