Drowning

Chapter 18

I think im ready, I think im ready to let
go
Playlist: that way Tate Mc raye

The room is hallowed and white, and I hold the sleeves of my hoodie tightly because im extremely nervous to see my dad. After last weeks episode I've been going through a rough patch, however, the people close to me never left my side, I debated on moving back with my mom but I couldn't stand to hurt Harry or Stacey and Chloe, after the endless nights I kept him awake crying, but now that my tears had passed I found myself in a position where im ready to face the truth, I couldn't allow this man to destroy the relationships I have with people who refused to leave me alone

What made you stop the thought about harming yourself, Linda asks calmly as she scans me curiously

The thought of hurting people who cared for me I say into mid-air, the realization that my life matters as well

Allison your dad would like to see you the lovely nurse says with her clipboard and I nod understandingly

I walk inside the room and my insides turn as I look at the weak man lying there lifelessly

Allison my beautiful daughter he cries out and burning tears threaten to pour out of my eye sockets

What do you want I spit with hatred and he breaths heavily, the oxygen mask making a sound with each breath he takes

I'm sorry ally he weakly says but I shake my head in anger he does not get the right to say sorry and expect everything to be a-okay

Forget this im going

Please Allison, please listen I beg of you he pleads in deep breaths struggling to catch any air. Apart of me wants to say fuck off and walk but the other part needs closure

I'm not staying because you need me to, im staying because I need closure to love the people who care about me I say sternly, the tears spilling one by one

You left us, dad, you left me when I needed you the most I cry out, the pain of all those years surfacing up

I know he says weakly. That's all he manages to say, a simple I know!

You pathetic, you are not my father you are nothing I burst out angry with tears rolling down

I know he coughs out. I just feel like strangling him

No, you don't, I needed you at my worst time to protect me, but you left to start a new family... But where are they now huh where are they I yell angrily as I place my head in my hands. I don't think I can do this

I left because I was not good enough, I put your mom through hell and I was not worth being your father...and when I found out about the abuse you took for six whole year's I refused to believe it, because I could not take another note in my head knowing I messed up as a father, he says weakly and im in shock, listening to how he felt not worthy or not enough. And that's when it hit me, I will not be like him, and run when things get difficult, I will not hurt anyone who loves me because I could not discover that love within me

You know what dad no matter what excuse you give me, it will never change the damage you left... However, I am not going to carry that pain anymore, because let me tell you it's sad and it drowns me... I'm a good person you know and I had a heart of gold, and no matter how much destruction you caused, you still my father, and it's pathetic to know I will always love you I cry out wiping my tears away

Please give me your hand ally he asks in a raspy voice. I give him my hand and he holds it tightly. I love you ally bear and im sorry, don't be like me Allison, please don't he cries out but starts coughing, and instinct kicks in to hold his hand tighter

I... I forgive you I cry out, with weight being lifted  off my shoulders, a draft of rejection vanishing slowly away .it took guts to stand in front of the dying man today, so I am for the first time in a long time proud of myself

....

Death is bound to come, it not easy but it's bound to appear, after everything that's happened I realized that pain is the main Factor that molds us into the type of person you meant to be, but that figure of a person comes with choices. So here I am choosing to be part of my fathers funeral, but this time not alone, I stand with those who care endlessly for me, and for that, I will always be grateful

How are you doing harry asks, while holding me tightly, I melt into his embrace happy that im not facing this alone.

I feel empowered... I say looking into his green beautiful eyes, in aw that this entire experience brought me, my soul mate

As you should he says while placing a lock of hair behind my ear

I love you I mutter out and he gives me softly a kiss, my eyes shutting close in appreciation

What are we conquering next he asks with a smile and the answer was easy

Getting justice for the girls that suffered I state boldly. Knowing that it's time to face them and its time to bury the shit they did. Because our lives begin to end the day we became silent about things that mattered