Alice Avery
"Is today any better?" The brown-eyed woman sitting in front of me asked. She was a shrink, only knew how to talk feelings. I thought about what my answer would be. Would I be truthful? Or just say what she wanted to hear?
"I don't know," I said, "it's all the same, nothing really changes." This is my third session, I've been home from Chicago for over a week. In the days that passed I took the liberty of enrolling myself in 'talk about your feelings' class, therapy, one on one, with the brown-eyed Dr. Fawn, she lets me call her April.
"And you and Ricky?" April had a notebook in her lab, her hands were laced together on top of it with a pen latched between her fingers.
"Fine," I answered. April was quick to learn about my life, I beat around the bush when mentioning the Mafia. All I said was that I was involved with something serve and I also told her that was all I would say about it. April respected my privacy and for that, I respected her. She knew the giant toll it took on my mental health.
April suddenly closed her notebook and set her pen down. "What can I do to help you?"
"Isn't that your job to figure out?"
She didn't look it but I could tell that she was unimpressed. I was slouched down in a comfy arm chair in her office, I stared down at the purple ring around my finger and twisted it around in hopes to pass time.
"Alice, you need to give something, anything that I can work from. You are closed, shut off, I need you to step out of your comfort zone for your own sake. Just a little insight is all I need."
I sighed, smirking a little. "Where do I start?"
She wasn't amused, "wherever you'd like."
My face has fallen for reasons unknown. I thought about Vince and everything he had done to me, I lifted my eyes back to April for guidance.
April nodded her head slightly. "Start from the beginning," she encouraged.
I swallowed hard and looked back down at my hands then cleared my throat. "I think that my first memory in this life was being hit. Do you have any idea what that's like?"
"No, I don't. But I'd like to help you in any way I can."
"How can you do that when you don't understand?" I was being difficult, we both knew it but didn't bother to acknowledge it.
April sat and thought and I was completely unable to read her. "Alice, no one has ever gone through what you have gone through. Sure, others have suffered form abuse but down to every last important detail, no one had lived the life you have lived. It's impossible for anyone to truly understand what you've gone through."
"Then why am I here?" I huffed out in frustration.
"I don't know," she said. "Why are you?"
I scoffed and shook my head. "This is fucking bullshit." I muttered angrily and stood up.
"Sit down," April demanded. "We aren't finished."
I bite down hard on my lip, I swallowed my pride and slowly lowered myself back down into the arm chair. I looked to the floor, "I'm here because I'm tired of hurting."
"You deserved better."
"You're God damn right I did." I agreed and looked back up to her. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do, I'm here I'm in fucking therapy and I still am fucking oblivious on what to do."
"Live," she said. "Live on your own terms. Don't let the past, or present, or future define your life."
"How do I do that?"
