Misfits Series #2: Clear Your Heart

Loving Oneself

Today’s already my birthday, the eighteenth of August . . . a year has already passed yet, it felt like it was only yesterday.

Facing the mirror, mataimtim na pinagmamasdan ang sarili ko.

I just noticed that, every time I see myself in the mirror— I start to realize things, and here I am facing the mirror once again knowing that this is the time for me to realize that . . . this is me.

I woke up already feeling tired, but it immediately disappeared seeing my mother greet me downstairs with a smile as I hear the crackling sound of oil, enjoying the savory smell of ham and egg. “Good morning, ’Nak,” pagbati ng papa ko habang iniihain ang pagkain sa lamesa.

“Anak, saan mo gusto pumunta ngayong birthday mo?” tanong ni mama. She gestured for me to sit as she takes the chair beside the empty chair waiting for me.
Umupo ako sa tabi niya as I avoid the temptation of eating without my father. “Pa! Kain na!” anas ko, at sa paglingon ko sa likod ay, nakita ko si Papa kasama si Ranz, Stephanie at Jamie, bawat isa ay may hawak na cake.

Sabay-sabay silang kumanta papalapit sa akin. Ramdam ko ang pag-akyat ng dugo sa ulo ko, I placed my hands on cheeks and felt like it was burning. “Happy birthday to you . . . happy birthday to you, happy birthday, dear Akira. Happy birthday to you.”

I walked towards them and blew each and every candles. “Happy birthday to me.”
“Kainan na!”

Anim kaming nagsalo-salo sa munting handa na mayroon ako. Hindi ko mai-paliwanag ang saya sa mga araw na kami’y magkakasama. I stared at the five of them, the togetherness, it almost looked like a scene from a beautiful movie.

Pero . . . sa totoo lang, wala naman talagang nagbago— siguro ako, oo, but it was just the same, almost too exact.

“To the park!” I exclaimed as the we make our way to take just a little stroll.

The six of us walked side by side. “Akira, wait lang—” Steph glanced to both my father, mother and Jamie. “Bibili lang kami ice cream, pst! Tara.” Hinatak niya si Jamie na hindi na nakapalag, kasabay ang magulang ko na nginitian si Ranz bago sumunod kay Stephanie.

“Wow, sobrang bigat ng ice cream ’no? Kailangan apat pa? Ranz—”

Bago ko pa matapos ang sinasabi ko ay napalingon ako sa kaniya na nakatitig na pala sa akin . . . “Akira ano kasi, eh, saglit lang.” Tumalikod siya sa akin na para bang kiti-kiti na hindi mapigilang gumalaw, ilang beses din siyang humingang malalim when he suddenly turned to me, his cheeks as red as a tomato.

“When you said that you’ve changed . . . did your feelings too changed— for me.” The way he mumbled the words almost sounded like a whisper.

“No,” I answered straight forwardly as I see how his face dropped— like dropped.

He buried his face on my shoulder and whispered weakly, “Then hurry up and fall in love with me.” I tapped his back lightly.
I already did, pero, give me kahit kaunting oras para sa sarili ko, a little more time.

He looked up to me, the way his eyes looked felt a little soft. “I’ll wait for you until you realize that you are meant only for me, and I am only for you . . . but, until that day comes, I’ll love you for the two of us.”

“Then, wait. I told you already, soon.”

“Akira, really—” Bago ko pa marinig ang reaksyon niya’y napahawak na lang ako sa sumbrero ko’t napatakbo.

At sa sobrang takbo ko ay may nasagi akong babae, I couldn’t find my balance and fell, ngunit hindi lang pala ako ang tumilapon pati na rin pala ang sumbrero na suot-suot ko.

Inangat ko ang kamay ko, expecting na tutulungan niya akong tumayo pero maling umasa ako. I saw the disgruntled look on her face as she looks at me.

“What’s that! Get away from me, she might be infected, that’s disgusting!”

Sa lakas ng boses ng babae ay wala pang minuto ay napalibutan na ako ng mga taong hindi ko naman kilala, they were strangers— total strangers, staring at me disgustedly, leaving words that I never thought I would hear . . . from someone I who doesn’t even know me.

“She’s disgusting.”

“You shouldn’t stay close to a girl like that, look at her.”

“What a freak.”

How can this be so familiar, isn’t just like the scene that started everything?

“ . . . I remember this day, people surrounded me, disgusted. Did they change their views on me? Not really right? But . . . one thing is certain, I changed,” I muttered.

I stood up and brushed the sand off my clothes, calmly grabbed my hat as I put it on, their whispers were too loud but only my voice is what I heard. “I won’t let history repeat itself.”

I made my way out as hear their murmurs behind me, their eyes darted on me . . . yet instead of letting it affect me, I sat alone in a bench . . . ignoring the voices pointing out to me in a distant.

“I might’ve went back to the beginning but . . . I’ll make sure of a different ending. I was given the same question, and I’ll make sure to give a different answer.”
I removed my hat, grasping it tightly, giving what the strangers wanted to see, as I lay my hand on the back of my head— my hair is already growing back.

“Nothing’s changed— no, they didn’t but, I did.” I stood up, looking for the others when suddenly I saw Ranz shouting my name . . . in a small park.

Lumapit ako sa kaniya nang tumatawa. “Parang anlayo naman ng hinahanap mo at napapasigaw ka pa,” biro ko dito ngunit hindi nito naalis ang pag-aalala.

“I heard a commotion, may infectious na babae raw—” I gave a half smile as I tap his shoulder that surprised him in a way.

“Grabe naman sa infectious ’no? Hindi naman nila ako kilala at ganoon din ako sa kanila pero matapos lang malaman ang isang bagay, magbabago agad ang ugali at d’yan na nangagaling ang judgements.”

We walked side by side as he listens to me, which eased me for a bit. “Ilang beses ko na ’to inuulit-ulit at alam kong sawa ka na pero . . . ayos ka lang ba?” He turned to me, expectantly waiting for an answer.

“Oo naman,” agad kong sagot sa kaniya.

“Hindi naman ako nagbago para sa kanila, nagbago ako para sa akin . . . and just because na nagbago ka, doesn’t mean na magbabago rin ang turing nila sa ’yo, tyaka hindi naman required na tanggapin ka ng iba bago mo tanggapin ang sarili mo diba?” anas ko.

Patuloy na naririnig ang pabulong nila na mga patama sa akin, at bawat tao na nadaraanan namin, lahat ay mayroong nasasabi. Ngunit hindi ba’t ganoon naman talaga ang mga tao.

Hindi naman masamang mag-judge kung kahit pa-paano nirerespeto mo pa rin ang tao na ’yon . . . walang taong hindi nag-judge ng kapwa tao, kung meron mang nagsasabi noon, sinungaling ’yon. People have what they call impression.

“Alam mo, parang nangyari na ’to dati,” he muttered as he chuckles staring at me.
Lumingon ako sa kaniya nang may pagtataka at tinanong ito, “Diba? Ikaw ba naalala mo pa?”

“Si Akira na mahilig magtago, tuwang-tuwa sa mala-anghel kong tinig, suklayin mo lang ang buhok niya, sa isang iglap, tulog na.” Sabay kaming tumawa matapos aalalahanin ang nakaraan.

I gave a half-hearted smile as our eyes meet each other. “If it wasn’t for you . . . kasama na sila Stephanie—”

He turned away, as his ears turn red. “Mamaya na sila Stephanie . . . I want to know what you feel about me, wala naman sila dito diba? Sayang lang din at hindi naman nila—” Bago niya pa ako sumbatan ay nagsalita na ako na nakapagpatikom sa kaniya.

“Oo na, si Ranz . . . siya? Mahal ko ’yan— as a friend . . . muna,” pabiro kong sambit dito ngunit imbis na siya’y tumawa ay napangisi siya nang todo.

He muttered, “Muna.”

My parents and the others arrived before I could even explain myself to him. “Tita, Tito, salamat po,” he blurted out of nowhere.

“Para saan naman, ’Nak?”

Anong anak?! Pati ’to si papa nakikisabay na! I glared at Ranz who enjoyed hearing it. “Kung hindi po dahil sa inyo,” bitin nitong sinabi nang biglang lumingon siya sa akin at kumindat.

“There would be no Akira, the love of my life . . . kaso nga lang Pa, Ma, pakipot pa po ’tong anak niyo—”

Bago niya pa matapos ang sinasabi niya’y gumalaw na ang kamay ko at sabay batok sa ulo niya. “Pa? Ma? Parang tuwang-tuwa kayo masyado ngayong araw ah, ikaw Steph pag-untugin ko kaya kayo ni Jamie, at ikaw babaita ka.” I pinched his ear dragging him behind a tree.

“Napaka-inappropriate mo talaga, tinawag mong, Ma at Pa ang magulang ko? Ikaw kaya tawagin ko ang mommy mo na, Mom?!”

“Edi, masaya.” Hindi ko na napigilan ang kamay kong batukan siya muli, pero natawa na lang talaga ako, ngunit nang sandaling nagkatitigan kaming dalawa. “Sa ’yo na mismo galing . . . soon at muna, ’wag mo sabing pinapaasa mo lang ako? No need to hide it, alam ko na namang, you already fell—”

“Shut up!” sigaw ko, hinablot ko ang suklay— wait, asan na ’yong suklay?

He held up my brush in front of my face. “Ito ba?” I snatched it from him grasping it tightly. “Nahulog mo kanina, takbo ka pa kasi ng takbo.” Hindi ako umimik at patuloy na pinagmasdan ang suklay.

The two of us fell silent as we unconsciously take a seat in a bench beside each other, when suddenly I heard Stephanie calling out to me. “Akira! Uuwi na raw tayo, maghahanda na ng dinner!”

Tumayo si Ranz. “Tara na,” aniya nito ngunit bago pa siya makalayo ay agaran kong hinablot ang kaniyang kamay at mahigpit itong hinawakan.

“Mamaya na kami!” sigaw ko kay Stephanie na may pa-thumbs up pa. Hinatak ko pabalik ng upuan si Ranz. He stared at me, his eyes widened, gaping at me.

“I’m thankful sa ’yo, ’yon lang.” He let out a heavy sigh as he gives out a slight chuckle.

“Alam mo ba na iniwanan na tayo ng iba? Tapos ’yon lang pala ang sasabihin mo, well . . . hindi ko rin talaga alam kung ano ba talaga ang sasabihin ko.”

“Ako rin,” pabulong kong pagsangayon. “Satingin mo ba magagamit ko pa ’tong suklay?”

Lumingon siya sa akin nang may munting ngiti. “Tandaan mo, ako lang ang susuklay sa buhok mo, hanggang sa araw na sabay nang mamuti ang mga buhok natin at pareho na tayong uugod-ugod, kahit gaano katagal pa humaba ’yang buhok mo, mag-aantay ako hanggang sa dumating ang araw na muli ko itong masusuklay.”

I bursted into laughter. “Masyado kang sentimental . . . can I count on you?”

“Always—” Before he could even finish, I leaned on his shoulder. “Okay,” he mumbled.

“You are the reason behind my smile, behind my laugh. For you are the best thing I have in my life, you are the best, you’ve stand out from the rest, you’ll always be dear in my heart. So sleep my princess . . .”

“That song . . .”

“Familiar? I’m surprised you haven’t fallen asleep yet, you never let me finish my song.” My eyelids felt heavier as he continues.

“She has changed, I’m sad to say . . . she’ll need me no longer . . . she’s a queen, not a princess no more, I guess I have to step for a bit and maybe be her king, but that doesn’t really matter . . . let me tell you . . . right now.”

He turned to me with a slight smile.

“She truly . . . had found herself.”

Life gave me another chance to rewrite my own story . . . God gave me the same question, the same situation over and over again but . . . this time, I’ll make sure to give the right answer.

Time passed too quickly . . . I was able to inspire people with my story . . . and in a few weeks time, I’ll be able to hold the book with my own hands, my own story which tall tale Akira’s journey . . . and what’s the perfect title for it?

Clear Your Heart.

END