Misfits Series #2: Clear Your Heart

Indifference

When I tried to distant myself from everyone . . . she pulled me close to her, just to make sure, I won’t ever feel alone, she was there, Stephanie Montelibano.

She did made me realize so many things that I should’ve known, myself.

Nakita namin si Stephanie sa pinto, lumingon siya sa akin nang may hindi mawala-walang pag-aalala. She kept breathing heavily as she utter, “What happened?!”

Habang pinag-uusapan at pinag-tatawanan ako ng iba ay pinilit kong ngumiti. Lumapit siya sa akin, her eyes full of worry and angst, pero . . . sa bawat hakbang niya papalapit sa akin ay isang hakbang para sa akin na lumayo sa kaniya.

“Ah- baka mahawa ka rin,” aniya ko ngunit patuloy siyang lumapit nang may munting ngiti sa kaniyang labi.

“Akira, anong tingin mo sa akin? We’re friends no matter what! Always bear it on your mind or else!” I shook my head prepared to leave, I turned away from her. “I’m sorry but I must go-”

Pero bago pa ako makatakas at makatakbo . . . she hugged me, she hugged me so tight that I couldn’t even fight, she whispered tenderly, “I’ll always be your friend no matter what.” The moment I heard it, my heart found — at least for a second, I couldn’t help myself but to hug her back.

After a few seconds she let go, tinapik-tapik ko siya sa likod nang may hindi mai-paliwanag na saya. “Ayos lang ako Steph, pero . . . kailangan ko muna sigurong mapag-isa ’no.” She nodded with understanding as I walk away. I heard her voice from afar, panigurado sinusumbatan niya na naman ang mga iyon. She has soared high in the sky, as I watch her from the ground yet our distances never kept us away from each other.

She always had been my knight and shinning armor, kahit na parang layong-layo ang mga mundo namin . . . she hasn’t treated me the way I should be treated, instead, she saw me as a friend of her own.

Hindi ko man siya tawagin, hindi ko man siya pansinin or, iwasan ko man siya . . . ay nariyan pa rin siya. Someone like her, shouldn’t be friends with a person like me . . . diba?

I walked until I reached my sanctuary, it’s actually in the garden shed, no one’s there but me. No one will be disgusted by me, no one will laugh at me, no one will judge me except myself, and I can be alone.
Ibinuklat ko ang buhok ko at kinapa ito, I felt a thick of scaly patches in my hair, I tried to scratch it but it’s hurts like— I smelled my fingers and goodness gracious! They were right to be disgusted, napaka-lansa, kadiri, sa dami-dami pa ng mag-kakaroon ng ganito ba’t ako pa?

Huminto sandali ang ang tibok ng puso ko nang makita kong gumalaw nang bigla-biglaan ang busol, someone opened it and as soon as it did I saw Ranz who was just as surprise seeing me there.

“Why are you here?” we asked each other in sync as the two of us chuckle lightly.

He casually walked to my side but I stopped him immediately bago pa siya makahakbang pa. “Baka mahawa ka pa Ranz,” aniya ko ngunit nagulat na lang ako nang biglaan siyang tumawa, patuloy ang paglapit sa akin.

“Akira, tinatakot mo ba ako?” he mumbled as he take another step towards me.

I breathed a long heavy sigh as he continue walking towards me. “Mapi-pigilan pa ba kita?” At nang walang pasintabi ay umupo siya sa tabi ko.

I saw him hiding something behind his back, “What’s that?” He revealed it, I saw a comb— a pretty one.

“I don’t want to show this to you kasi hindi pa naman talaga siya tapos . . . I still want to carve our names in here, I-I don’t look at me like that!” I forced myself to hold back a laugh as he hands me the comb.

“Did you make this? ’Cause it’s amazing . . . you’re amazing!” I’m always so surprised on how he always manage to leave me completely astounded.

“Everytime you hold this comb, remember me, ’cause soon enough our names would be carved here. I want to be . . . the only one who’ll comb your hair until you fall asleep, I— too cheesy?” I stifled a giggle as I shake my head in disagreement.

“I promise.” The corners of lips were lifted into a slight smile. “But, aren’t you scared that you’ll be infected?”

“My father’s a doctor Akira. And since, wala na naman tayong class, would you like to sleep for a bit?” I nodded. With slight bit of hesitation I leaned on his shoulders. “Only if you sing!”

“You are the reason behind my smile, behind my laugh. For you are the best thing I have in my life, you are the best, you’ve stand out from the rest, you’ll always be dear in my heart. So sleep my princess . . .”

He combed my hair as my eyelids start to feel heavier. “I’m not infected aren’t I,” he whispered as I smile bitterly.

“You know, live with your imperfections, embrace it, I know for sure that your so-called flaws would make you shine.”

His voice was soft, but firm. He would always sing that for me to sleep, he would always comb my hair. “Even if the whole world turns their back on you . . . just look behind you and you’ll see me, I won’t go anywhere.”

And I . . . would always smile before I drifted into sleep.

They’re important to me, and I love them but . . . I can’t let them face what I’m going through, I don’t want them to be treated the same way as me, I just can’t. Would they treat me the same, or magbabago rin sila katulad ng iba?

Kung hindi mo ma-mahalin ang sarili mo ng buong puso, sino pa? Tanging sarili mo at sarili mo lang ka-kayaning mahalin ka ng walang pag-aalinlangan. But is it that easy? To not have any doubts, to not have any bit of insecurities, would it be that easy to not question yourself.

I can be alone, I can love myself alone, I can face this alone, you can be happy . . . alone. Pero kung hindi mo kayang tanggapin ang sarili mo, paano mo pa ito mamahalin?

END