Misfits Series #2: Clear Your Heart

Endure

Early in the morning— it’s still dawn when my alarm went off, I drowned myself in the pain they caused me that I wasn’t able to sleep even for a bit. Patuloy na humagugol kahit na walang nakaririnig kung hindi ang sarili.

And with no motivation, I walked my way through the bathroom, undressed myself and yet as soon as the water touchs my head— I felt like I was being boiled alive. I held back the pain as I let out a loud shriek which eventually alarmed my father.

Matapos ang pagmamadali niyang pagtakbo sa hagdanan ay patuloy ang pag-katok niya sa labas ng kuwarto ko habang dali-dali naman akong nagbihis at pilit na nagpapangap na okay lang ang lahat.

“Akira?! Anong—” Binuksan ko ang pinto nang may pilit na ngiti habang nakakubli sa aking kumot, takip-takip ang mga sugat matapos ang nangyari kahapon.

“Good morning Pa, eh— ah, may ipis lang akong nakita kaya ako sumigaw, w—wala lang po ‘yon!” A spark of uneasiness can be seen in his eyes, yet was hesitant to speak. And, before he could even act, I pushed him out of my room and locked the door.

“Pa, hindi po muna ako pa-pasok, masama po ata ang pakiramdam ko.”

“H’wag ka nang mag-alala. Ako na muna ang bahala, mag-pahinga ka lang muna ‘Nak.” Nanghina ako hanggang sa sumuko na ang mga tuhod ko, patuloy na pinakikinggan ang bawat hakbang pa-alis ng aking ama.

Lumakad ako papunta sa aking salamin at tanging nakita ko ay— pag-kalat ng aking karamdaman . . . mga puting makakapal na mala-balat ang sumakop sa balikat ko habang unti-unti na lumalabas ang dugo sa  mga ito, nakadidiri.

I tried to hide it with my hair but it still shows, I can’t believe that it expanded this fast— dahil ba sa stress, Psoriasis expands . . . when the person is unhygienic, pero hindi naman ako ganoon? ’Di stress talaga . . .

How can I face everyone now?

I don’t want them to look at me like I’m so disgusting, I don’t want to hear whispers behind my back, I don’t want them to laugh at me, I hate it, I hate it— ayoko na.

Hours had passed yet I was still sitting in the floor thoughtlessly staring at my reflection. Nakadidiri nga talaga ako, tama lang naman sila para mandiri sa akin, wala naman akong dahilan para sisihin sila—

I turned my head as I hear a knock on my door. “’Nak kain na.” Sa kaniyang pag-alis ay agad kong binuksan ang pinto at hinablot ang aking umagahan.

I could only stare at my food minutes poking it, I’ve already lost appetite looking at myself, disheveled— just pitiful.

Poor her, just when she thought everything is going to be okay, it always ended in vain, abandoned by her own love ones— no she was the one who abandoned them . . .

I made the right choice didn’t I? Experiencing this all, okay lang naman, as long as they’re safe.

They’ll forget about me soon, they’ll hate me that they’ll stay away, they’ll be safe.
I sat down, found myself staring at the mirror. “Hanggang kailan pa?”

Tears slowly fell, keeping a smile on my face that feels so fake. “I’m tired, kapagod din.”

“Suffering has always been part of my whole life— why can’t I still get use to it?” I wiped my tears, faking a laugh.

I looked down and saw the comb Ranz gave me, remembered how he always sang, how he was there beside me, remembering how he once said, ‘I want to be the only one to comb your hair.’ It—

I turned as I hear someone knocking on my door yet again. I leaned my back against the door as I hear my familiar someone. “Akira . . .” Ranz’s solemn voice left me stunned.

“B—Bakit? Hindi ba sinabi ko na layuan niyo na ako . . .”

“Para saan? Bakit?” Hindi ko maiwasang nagulat dahil this might be the first time he acted like this.

“Tinatanong mo kung para saan? Para sa ‘yo . . . para sa inyo!”

Tears fell uncontrollably. “D—Don’t cry, sorry— I crossed the line.” I heard his footsteps gradually fading, I stood up facing the door.

“Ranz Gonzales!”

He must’ve stopped. “Akira, I just wish that even for once . . . be honest to yourself.”
He knocked three times on the door. “Can you open your heart? Even for this time?” I leaned on the door.

“I don’t want you to get hurt, just because of me . . .” My voice was sore and brittle. “Can’t you understand?”

“Hindi mo ba alam na mas nasasaktan ako— kami sa ginagawa mo? How much can you endure just for us? Satingin mo magiging ma-ayos ako dahil nasasaktan ka ng dahil sa’kin?”

“If you’re the one protecting me, then who’s the one protecting you?”

“Tell me Akira, are you okay?” I brushed up my tears as I fake a laugh.

“Oo naman! Why wouldn’t I be okay—”

“Lies, why lie when when it’s already obvious?” I continued to laugh as tears fall of my eyes.

“Cry, cry all you want, lean on me as much as you need, it’s okay to be sad, you can be angry, you can be tired . . . it doesn’t make you helpless, it’s makes you human . . .”

I stood up as I try to open the door but he was closing it shut. “I—I my heart has something to convey.” I let go as I put my ears close to the door.

“The fact that we’re here together separated by a door doesn’t matter, because right now, I want to tell you, that I love— love every piece of you, even though, I explain what love is . . . but this warmth and happiness makes me believe that this is what I think it is. You don’t need to feel the same, you don’t need to avoid me, just let me continue feel this happiness, even for a bit. Lt me stay right by your side, let me protect you, and . . . let me make you smile and laugh just like how you made me feel joy.”

“I want to see your happy face.”

I felt the heat rising through my cheeks, yet a part of me wants to laugh, because hearing this from him?

The clever guy who is foolish most of the time, that playful guy who always surprises me with his reliable side, that guy who is full of mystery has always been the the guy that . . . I’m thankful for.

I tried to stop myself from laughing, but it bursted inside of me. “I have never heard such greasy lines— pero salamat, wala akong alam na . . . gano’n pala ang nararamdaman mo— I mean niyo at nga pala I really hate you right now.” I chuckled as I grab the handle of the door.

“I can’t believe you’re laughing after my super sweet confession but it’s a shame I can’t that happy face of yours—” I immediately opened the door, as he looks back at me, gaping at me with a subtle smile.

“Now you do!”

It felt like time stopped as our eyes meets each other, even without saying anything, I could feel how much heart was about to burst just seeing him.

I’m not good at anything . . . I’m sorry for relying on you, yet for some reason it feels like everything is possible as long as I’m with you.

Although I can’t understand everything about you, even though I’m so hard to understand, let me lean on you more closely, and soon enough, we might finally understand one another, but for now . . . I’ll keep this feelings as my little secret.

END